I am walking.
but nothing is changing.

my feet aren't moving
but the world is.

I've seen this place before
and nothing is changing

but nothing is the same
I have no idea where I am.

My feet keep moving,
but my legs aren't moving them.

my feet aren't moving.
They're not even on the ground.

I'm sitting in a car.
But I have no idea where I am.

I don't know the driver,
but the wheel is in my hands.

The road seems unending.
Everything seems to change.

But the wheel is in my hands,
and I'm not driving.

I've seen this place before.
where the road never ends.

the world is moving,
and nothing is changing.

I'm going for a walk.
I will move my feet.
I will change my world.
My life is in my hands.

"No way!
Okay, Okay, Okay."

She's shouting at her mother,
"I hate you! Go Away!"

"The rain has stopped, the rain has stopped!
Now we can go out and play!"

She's only three, that beautiful girl,
but what next might she say?

With no idea what it is
that causes her emotions to sway.

I understand how it feels to never know
what feelings to portray.

I beg to prove that I am happy
but let a single tear stray.

She begs to prove that she's not tired
but the yawns are there to betray.

"Lets go, Lets go! the rain is gone!
and we're running out of day!"

I love this kid, but that can't be enough.
I wish that I could stay.

I can still taste
last nights smokey kisses,
under the sturdy tree.

sitting on the front porch,
begging for a never ending night.

begging for more tonight.
wondering about the entirety
if still there is any reality.

assumptions,
finally proven wrong.

I'm writing for the hell of it
for the sake of writing
for the sake of escape
from the begging ideas
taunting my already forsaken mind.

The brain,
or the mind?
One in the same.

One the center of my universe,
cause and effect,
motion, inertia,
creation of my entirety.

The other,
breaking me down,
with each passing thought.
My world on fire.
My spirit, my being, my reason for life.
My aching for death.

Yes,
one in the same.

Working together, to control each other.
forcing me into every god forsaken breath
that I've never wished to take.

Yet, building within me this
immense love.
Forcing me to contort my hideous face
into this god forsaken smile.

No idea what to feel.
Physically, or emotionally.

Hurts to breathe.
Hurts a lot more not to.

Hurts to love.
Hurts a lot more not to.

Simple solutions.
Love with all of my mind.
heart, body, and soul.

Live with all of my brain.
heart pumping, body moving, soul loving.

One in the same.

Monsters, hiding in reality.
I see the face of jealousy.

Two dollar ******,
your words, not mine.
but that's fine.

Cowering, hiding, whatever the word.
Men to save the day.

Bacon feeding,
"that was hot"
drinks on a later date.

Little things in life,
showing where I need to be.

Four in the morning.
Marlboro packs.
walk me home, please?

Building memories,
with new friends.
falling in love with life.

monsters.
not always a bad thing.
Not all bad, anyways.

If ever it were,
Tell me it isn't true anymore.

I'm a lost cause,
a hopeless
hope,
in a lightless day.

I walk to the river
with the name in my brain
the words,
washing helplessly away.

I speak for the sayers,
who've left themselves unsaid.

I cannot keep to myself,
but I cannot get your
attention.

I'm screaming
at the world.

You're the name
in my palm,
written for my memories sake.

I can't forget you though.
Regardless.
You build, and destroy.
but you make it look so easy.

Like somehow we'll all be
better.

We won't.

You
can
no
longer
make
me
believe.

I won't.

I'm going to take a
leap.
L.E.A.P.
This time its for real.

I've got the heart.
you've got the soul.

We can do anything.

Lets do it all.

I want to give you whatever
I have to give.
For now,
for ever.

Lets go.

all the proof I need,
of relativity,
is the fact that in this moment,
it feels like minutes are hours.
and hours are days
and seconds are lifetimes,
in the blink of an eye.

The shadows dancing on the walls
are pulling the strings
of the marionette nightmares,
dancing in my imagination

who might be hiding
beyond the silhouette?
Are the monsters in reality
More or less frightening,
than these monsters that
Haunt my waking dreams?

Someone please
just tell me
that I am not
alone.

I used to sit on your bed,
and play solitaire for hours.

Now I miss you,
when I play.

How fitting.

Desperation in rage.
You are the fire
in my *soul.

I am searching for a partner.
A kindred soul.
someone much like myself,
looking to run away from it all.
I have the plan,
I just need a friend.

Imagine to find
a cave, hiding behind a waterfall,
in a stress free world, away from society.
Denouncing our stance as humans, and conducting our lives as animals might.
Living in nature.
somewhere beautiful.

If I gave in
to your desires,
I'd find myself.

In all my broken pieces
I hope you kept one.

I am difficult.
I can no longer breathe your air.
I can no longer dream your dreams.
I am not searching.
I am not finding.
I am only confusing myself.

Ff I wander far too far, then I've found the means to an end.
I wonder about wandering, I wander into wondering.
I know the feeling.

I can stay forever.
if forever isn't real.
I can dream forever,
and I think I will.

I look your way, I see it.
I see your way.
I follow. I lead.
I need a caution sign.

Don't.

I am a trap.

a contradiction.
a letter to yourself.

forgotten.
long gone.

I pretend. Though I cannot for one moment pretend to know how to tell you the truth.

I am walking in circles.
pacing the room.
taking my time,
making my mind up.

I choose.
no.
I can't.

I want.

static cling.

I
fear
pond
monsters.

I want to build memories.
A moment that isn't worth a memory, isn't worth the time it took.
So bring me with you.
take me past the atmosphere, to a world where we belong.
I belong only with you.

allow me the choice.
I will analyze you.
us.
our situation.

it *****.  

I lose,
every time.
This is no game,
but I'll play it like one.

I'll drink to you,
to the way you make me feel.
that smile in your eyes.

that look that says "I can't remember how to look away"

I wonder if ever you see this look in my eyes.
or do you only see fear?

do you ever see how greatly I want to escape.
to run.
to never look back.
never see again.

I can't imagine.

I don't deserve the things I have.
I take what I shouldn't.


You should just turn around, and walk away.
Best advice I can give.

Where do I go from here?
Where are you going??

can I come with you?

I fear I've fallen for you.
and that can't be changed.

Our strange skins collide,
meeting the first time in lust.

Ive let myself believe
for so long
that you had broken me.
Because I loved you.
But I know that I am not broken,
just so disappointed in myself
for forgetting for so long that
love does not apply to me
not your kind of love anyways.
I came into your life,
to build you into the man you
needed to be.
and when that task was finished,
you were finished with me.
This is what I came to do
but I forgot
to stay disengaged.
and I am ashamed.
so I will move on
to the next broken man
who needs a little help
from a strange soul.

What I hate most
is the image you left in my head
of the little, strawberry blonde girl,
following me everywhere I go.

because
you were the one too afraid to move on.
And i was the one begging for forever.

So you handed me
this perfect idea,
of me and you
and this fictitious child.

and i fell in love with us.
the future.
and you left
and stole from me a life id yet to live.

But ****,
how badly I wish
I could live in that fantasy.

Where at least,
you still love me.

already promising life times,
fearless.
finally.
ready to let go.

Everlasting Love,
confined by time restrictions.
let me linger, please.

Bound by an idea,
twisted into fate.
I'm giving in.

You reached
for my hand,
and instead grabbed my heart.

Those smiling blue eyes
searched through my spirit,
and I'm sure they found what I was trying to hide.

It was just a moment,
a passing
a never before and never again.

and yet here I sit dreaming,
wishing,
and falling.

I can write an epic
with your thoughts
in my hand.

and you'll find in your own
an emotion
unrequited.

but I've given to you
all that one can give,
in a lingering dream.

take me with you.
wherever you're going.

tomorrow marks the end
of my 5th month without you.

How sad am I?
So lonely its frightening.
That the best part of my night
is the yellow bolt of lightning.

The hardest part now
Is transforming tomorrows
into yesterdays.

Each breath I take
in seething sorrow,
leaves me loathing
the thought of tomorrow.

Your sparkling eloquence;
words so beautiful
my diamond eyes
weep.

How
*******
pathetic.

the
way
your name tastes
like acid on my tongue.

so I carve
the letters
in to my skin
hoping
so
irrationally
to dissolve it all away

until I am nothing
but
bones
concealing
the
heart that I will
never need again.

7 hours...
to the skies.
sail away,
from todays goodbyes.

How have I become
the woman
sitting with tear welling eyes
reading bukowski
alone at the bar
ignoring the strippers
no matter how tempting
ignoring the presence
of your smile across the room
begging to see my own
because darling
i could love you
if i could see through these tears
Or past those naked *******.

I've never believed in heaven before.
But I can't let myself believe you're really gone.
I have never before wanted, a life after death.
until you left me alone in this life.

I am selfish.
I want you back.

You were the most beautiful woman I have ever known, and i love you with all of my soul.
so wait for me, in whatever is coming.
Because I believe in you.

Its amazing
the shade of blue my eyes turn
when I think about you.  

complimented by the
Flawless tears,
streaming down
my puffy red cheeks.

Tell me
why
I
spend
every
pathetic
day
Of my life

talking myself off the ledge.

But only with the idea that somebody
would have to find my body

and I don't want to put that
burden on any innocent soul.

bred of depression, and hatred, and who the hell knows.
my mother is a *****,
and my father is a thief.
god. there must be a better word, what do you call a man
who takes everything you own,
through the act of convincing you to give it to him?
so much worse than a thief.

and me?
I've never known love.

I didn't know that your father wasn't supposed to call you a '*****' or a '*****' daily, just because you remind him of her.

I didn't know that your mother wasn't supposed to disappear for days, with men she didn't know.

after 21 years of begging for love
that I never knew I would never recieve,

I have just finally found what love truly feels like.

because I have finally learned to love myself.

I am only the unfortunate product of their conception.

this does not make me like them.

this does not make me who I am.

I am the woman who walked on the broken glass of a hate filled love, between two ******* up humans.

I am the woman who learned the art of steady feet, and came to the other end without a scratch.

because I know who I am.
and I love who I am.

and I am sure, if they gave me a chance, they could learn to love me.

but I don't need their love.

even if I wasted 21 years figuring that out.

Do you know how it feels to wish
you were beautiful, sincerely beautiful?

To feel so broken,

when the person you love....
thought you loved....
knew you loved,
thought you knew

tells you that you can never compare
to the image in her mind of
the woman she wishes she were looking at.

and you stretch yourself
thinking that maybe you can grow and shrink
and add and subtract

but where are the flaws?
how can they all be counted when you look like this?

Feet: too big.
Thighs: Too fat.
Hips: too wide.
Stomach: don't ask.
Chest: flat.
Neck: too long.

Face.....
not enough makeup in the world.

Looking in the mirror,
regrets.

Looking at her....
begging to be everything she wants you to be.

*But I'd rather be me.

You've given a new meaning
to every moment of my life.

The ones that once made me happy are now the piercing blades through my being.

for all that you are, you are nothing but pain.
shards of broken heart, leaving me stranded in the corner,
afraid to step on the broken pieces scattered across the floor.
a room filled
with exquisite dreams, sunken with the treasure of your love.
love. it never was.
it was an elaborate set up,
for your greatest feat.
breaking the unbreakable heart.

You know,
I won't pretend. I do pretend,
but this is not the same.

I swear, dear,
you're the world that stands too close to the sun
and it burns just to wonder
about you

I'll stop thinking,
speaking,
breathing,
if that is necessary.

to remain in my frozen
world so far from yours
and I'll smile when
I feel a warmth on my cheek

but I've forgotten why,
and how
and from where the warmth
is coming.

and you can sigh
as the breeze blows through,
and chills your spine
with the memories of
what may have been

could have been,
might have been,

if our vastly differing
temperatures,
had not caused this
destructive tornado.

the tornado that
tore down the ladders
that I'd built to let you over my walls
and now,

who will bother to climb?

In the eternity of my soul
I exist in only a dream
of escape from this reality
into enchantment long lost
in the evolving world surrounding us.
With the excruciating knowledge
that every day will remain the same.  
Until, eventually, I come to find myself
expelled from this body,
finally exploring the truths of my world.

Is it real?
falling for the words on my screen,
begging to reach through to meet
the entity on the other side.

Ive fallen for you,
stranger in the night.

With no hope that youll
find my words, and know they are for you.

Or that You could fall for them,
if you ever do.

I'm terrified to let go
because your words
have returned to me what I thought was forever lost: My smile.

and I wish I could thank you, and tell you how Ive fallen. But anyways Im not using my heart.
you may as well keep it for a while..

Isn't it just so cliche
to sing to you my tale of woes?
And do I really have to say,
the words that everyone already knows?  

We've all had our heart break,
and all show the empathy.
But we all know its all fake,
and we really have no sympathy.

I may be sitting here and weeping,
and I know that you are just at home.
You're cozy in your bed and sleeping.
Though I don't know how you can, alone.

Listen to me, crying about the past.
Sob with me friends, if you will.
Perhaps true love isn't meant to last.  
But oh, dear friends, let's cry for it still.  

Individuals, yet all connected by this
pain so intense and incredibly real
but does it even really exist,
can anyone tell me, what's the big deal?  

I feel like my world has fallen to shambles
My heart and my soul are shattered and weak
So the right thing to do is sit here and ramble,
and tell you all to feel what I speak.  

And If you've never felt this way,
you're luckier than you could hope.
But I can guarantee you will one day,
and then you can join with me, and mope.

Because life is about love, and glory
and life is about giving it your all.  
We are all living the exact same story.
We all rise, and we all fall.

Ignorance is bliss,
until it breeds unanswered curiosities.
What then?

When you fall in love again,
I hope she is nothing like me.
I hope she has her life together.
I hope she knows who she is.
I hope she loves herself, so you can love her, truly.

and if I ever fall in love again
I hope he is just like you.
I hope he is you.
I hope you find your way back to me,
once Ive found myself.

For if it isn't you,
I know I will never love again.

I sit
and I type
and I watch the words flow

Onto the screen,
no longer paper
an outdated source

But my screen can't
express my emotions
the words so uniform

straight lines,
and perfect curves to create
the letters and the words

but this is not me
you cannot know me
from what you read

with no personalization
and no hand made
creation.

this
is not
poetry.

this is words,
on a screen,
read monotonously

by a stranger,
too strange,
I'm sure.

It's
a
pity.

Lets start a revolution.

How can I tell you
that you had, have, had
the most beautiful soul this world has ever seen?

How can I tell you
that every day without you
still feels like a dream?

How can I tell you
that every picture I see
still brings me to tears?

How can I tell you
that you changed every life
that you touched in your 23 years?

How can I tell you
that I'm sorry for every word
that I shouldn't have said from the start?

How can I tell you
that it wasn't your fault
when the entirety of my world fell apart?

How can I tell you
that I miss playing Kirby
at three in the morning while the boys played their game?

How can I tell you
that even though everything had already changed,
without you, nothing will ever be the same?

How can I tell you
that I miss telling you
how absolutely beautiful you are?

How can I tell you
that I miss how completely terrifying it was
riding in your car?

How can I tell you
that I miss
your beautiful baby boy?  

How can I tell you
what words
can I employ?  

How can I tell you
that I loved you,  
even if I forgot to show it?

How can I tell you
that I still love you,
or do you already know it?

I don't know if my heart is broken,
I haven't seen it since you left.
I think you forgot to leave it with my things.
You probably found it a week later and threw it out with everything else.

******

I am writing,
to stop my fingers.

I'm longing to give my words to that man,
the man that kept my heart
when he walked away.

I want to tell him that I still love him
and tell him that I still need him.
But I want to tell him that he matters so much more to me, than anyone else ever has.

including myself.

I want to tell him that my life without him is misery.
but I would rather have my own life miserable, and know that he is happy in his own,
than to share my misery as I did before.

I can't tell him any of these things.
he asks for space I can't provide.
I have to feel proud of myself that its been a week.

a week since my last unanswered message.
my last attempt at begging for what I know I don't deserve.

the over thinking. constant.

he doesn't love me.
if he ever loved me.
he never will again.

and this hope im holding onto
is suffocating me.