I'm writing for the hell of it
for the sake of writing
for the sake of escape
from the begging ideas
taunting my already forsaken mind.

The brain,
or the mind?
One in the same.

One the center of my universe,
cause and effect,
motion, inertia,
creation of my entirety.

The other,
breaking me down,
with each passing thought.
My world on fire.
My spirit, my being, my reason for life.
My aching for death.

Yes,
one in the same.

Working together, to control each other.
forcing me into every god forsaken breath
that I've never wished to take.

Yet, building within me this
immense love.
Forcing me to contort my hideous face
into this god forsaken smile.

No idea what to feel.
Physically, or emotionally.

Hurts to breathe.
Hurts a lot more not to.

Hurts to love.
Hurts a lot more not to.

Simple solutions.
Love with all of my mind.
heart, body, and soul.

Live with all of my brain.
heart pumping, body moving, soul loving.

One in the same.

Everlasting Love,
confined by time restrictions.
let me linger, please.

How have I become
the woman
sitting with tear welling eyes
reading bukowski
alone at the bar
ignoring the strippers
no matter how tempting
ignoring the presence
of your smile across the room
begging to see my own
because darling
i could love you
if i could see through these tears
Or past those naked *******.

Every person
capable of love.
Yet we struggle
loving ourselves.

Made again to feel unworthy.
he tells me its no surprise.

Don't have expectations.
life is a murderous thing.

Trying so hard,
to keep my soul to myself.

Trying harder even
to convince you to share your own.

No explanations.
None needed, none deserved.

But heart wrenching guilt,
simply for being myself.

Knowing, daily, that I will Never earn
the love of a man of your caliber.

Flirting again. Your best friend.
outside, hope eludes me.

On the inside I cannot let go
of the ever crushing pain of hope.

Unanswered texts.
Wasted wishes of a wasted man.

I can still taste
last nights smokey kisses,
under the sturdy tree.

sitting on the front porch,
begging for a never ending night.

begging for more tonight.
wondering about the entirety
if still there is any reality.

assumptions,
finally proven wrong.

already promising life times,
fearless.
finally.
ready to let go.

here I am,
breaking every promise
I've made to myself.

Why am I thinking of you,
in these moments.
Knowing, there is no chance.
smitten.
Infatuated.
dying for your attention.

Maybe if I dress up.
Curl my Hair.
Make up my face.
wear a dress to hug all of my curves.

Maybe if you look at me
and only see
the ****** thoughts
That have consumed me
for so long.

maybe,
you'll push me into
that wall
and slam your body into mine

Maybe the heat between our bodies
will be unbearable
and you'll finally
succumb to me.

or maybe,
I will show up in sweats,
with my hair thrown up,
and I'll cry on your bed
while you cook me some
Comfort foods.

and everything will
be like it always is.
While you think
I am still crying over him,
and not you.

Monsters, hiding in reality.
I see the face of jealousy.

Two dollar ******,
your words, not mine.
but that's fine.

Cowering, hiding, whatever the word.
Men to save the day.

Bacon feeding,
"that was hot"
drinks on a later date.

Little things in life,
showing where I need to be.

Four in the morning.
Marlboro packs.
walk me home, please?

Building memories,
with new friends.
falling in love with life.

monsters.
not always a bad thing.
Not all bad, anyways.

I am falling madly in love,
with your hand,
holding mine.

Isn't it how every girl dreams of being looked out?
the way your eyes soften,
as the word 'beautiful' escapes your lips.
isn't it love, when I know the sound
of your heart beat,
as it races with my own?
the way your hand is never too warm too hold,
but always warms my entire soul when you touch me.

anxiety consuming,
sleep deprivation sinking in
more coffee than I care to admit.

attractive men
passing
without a passing glance

still flustered from security
bobby pins alarming.
terrorism, undoubtedly.

still people watching.
hoping some man
might look my way.

remember I look 12,
not 21.
maybe I am just ugly.

doesn't help that I am
holding onto Oliver,
my stuffed turtle,

as if he is
the life
hiding in my soul.

coffee, coming back to me.
every emotion intensified.
bladder swollen, nervous.

only 9 hours,
to home.
if ever there was.

10¢ on the dollar
but it is not about money.

all the proof I need,
of relativity,
is the fact that in this moment,
it feels like minutes are hours.
and hours are days
and seconds are lifetimes,
in the blink of an eye.

I do not believe in your God,
yet the piece of me
that I have given to you,
will define itself with your catholicism,
and you,
my darling priest,
will always be the closest to God
that I dare to reach.

The fact that love demands ***,
but *** does not demand love
tells me only to be weary
of humanity,
and the priorities we set for ourselves.

Ive lost myself
in the bitter reality
of being human.

If I gave in
to your desires,
I'd find myself.

7 hours...
to the skies.
sail away,
from todays goodbyes.

I spent my evening weaving
together a fantasy
of the future I silently ache for.

I dreamt of finding love,
somewhere where love belongs.

So imagine my surprise
upon drifting into sleep
to find somewhere in the
depths of my subconscious


you are there.
begging me not to move on.

My stomach turns.
I should be sleeping.
but I can't.

when you joked
and said I had no heart,
nothing but a
seething black hollow,

were you really just telling me
from the start
that you would leave me
and what would follow?

Desperation in rage.
You are the fire
in my *soul.

inside of my mind
something lingers, awaiting
nightmares
aflame with inner demons.

The
vast
light
shone,
dreading darkness
she could not defeat.

The only love I long for,
is your nicotine breath.

Were the world mine to give,
I would keep it.

Your sparkling eloquence;
words so beautiful
my diamond eyes
weep.

bred of depression, and hatred, and who the hell knows.
my mother is a *****,
and my father is a thief.
god. there must be a better word, what do you call a man
who takes everything you own,
through the act of convincing you to give it to him?
so much worse than a thief.

and me?
I've never known love.

I didn't know that your father wasn't supposed to call you a '*****' or a '*****' daily, just because you remind him of her.

I didn't know that your mother wasn't supposed to disappear for days, with men she didn't know.

after 21 years of begging for love
that I never knew I would never recieve,

I have just finally found what love truly feels like.

because I have finally learned to love myself.

I am only the unfortunate product of their conception.

this does not make me like them.

this does not make me who I am.

I am the woman who walked on the broken glass of a hate filled love, between two ******* up humans.

I am the woman who learned the art of steady feet, and came to the other end without a scratch.

because I know who I am.
and I love who I am.

and I am sure, if they gave me a chance, they could learn to love me.

but I don't need their love.

even if I wasted 21 years figuring that out.

'let go'*
she says,
as she reaches in to
the deep pit of my chest,
and retracts the brittle
shrunken heart.
Once swollen with her love.
now hers, to keep.
whatever twisted,
Awful mess
shes found.

Can we call it irony,
that while half the world is begging to set themselves free,
I've never felt the pain of withdrawl,
The pain that I feel is only emotional.
while Ive spent this past month,
breathing only the clean fresh city smog
Im begging for your nicotine,
Confused by why anyone struggles to quit.
It would be so easy for me,
if only it weren't the easiest way
to **** myself,
With slow suffering.
happiness now,
euphoria when my lungs finally give out.

I am in love.
Finally with myself.
Instead of you.

The shadows dancing on the walls
are pulling the strings
of the marionette nightmares,
dancing in my imagination

who might be hiding
beyond the silhouette?
Are the monsters in reality
More or less frightening,
than these monsters that
Haunt my waking dreams?

Its amazing
the shade of blue my eyes turn
when I think about you.  

complimented by the
Flawless tears,
streaming down
my puffy red cheeks.

Tell me
why
I
spend
every
pathetic
day
Of my life

talking myself off the ledge.

But only with the idea that somebody
would have to find my body

and I don't want to put that
burden on any innocent soul.

What I hate most
is the image you left in my head
of the little, strawberry blonde girl,
following me everywhere I go.

because
you were the one too afraid to move on.
And i was the one begging for forever.

So you handed me
this perfect idea,
of me and you
and this fictitious child.

and i fell in love with us.
the future.
and you left
and stole from me a life id yet to live.

But ****,
how badly I wish
I could live in that fantasy.

Where at least,
you still love me.

I forgot to come
to you to save me from my
Enchanting nightmares.

Im stuck in the memory
of your face.
And The way you didn't mind
when Id just stare.
Because your beauty was mesmerizing.

I've never believed in heaven before.
But I can't let myself believe you're really gone.
I have never before wanted, a life after death.
until you left me alone in this life.

I am selfish.
I want you back.

You were the most beautiful woman I have ever known, and i love you with all of my soul.
so wait for me, in whatever is coming.
Because I believe in you.

I remember
Always knowing
that I am different

solidified by the fact that
when the rest of the world
was drooling over boy bands
and muscley men
and I'll never know what else,

I was young,
growing up,
madly in love with
**Bill Murray

How sad am I?
So lonely its frightening.
That the best part of my night
is the yellow bolt of lightning.

The hardest part now
Is transforming tomorrows
into yesterdays.

Isn't it just so cliche
to sing to you my tale of woes?
And do I really have to say,
the words that everyone already knows?  

We've all had our heart break,
and all show the empathy.
But we all know its all fake,
and we really have no sympathy.

I may be sitting here and weeping,
and I know that you are just at home.
You're cozy in your bed and sleeping.
Though I don't know how you can, alone.

Listen to me, crying about the past.
Sob with me friends, if you will.
Perhaps true love isn't meant to last.  
But oh, dear friends, let's cry for it still.  

Individuals, yet all connected by this
pain so intense and incredibly real
but does it even really exist,
can anyone tell me, what's the big deal?  

I feel like my world has fallen to shambles
My heart and my soul are shattered and weak
So the right thing to do is sit here and ramble,
and tell you all to feel what I speak.  

And If you've never felt this way,
you're luckier than you could hope.
But I can guarantee you will one day,
and then you can join with me, and mope.

Because life is about love, and glory
and life is about giving it your all.  
We are all living the exact same story.
We all rise, and we all fall.

I will never understand this.
We agreed, daily, that we were stronger than any other couple we knew.
We knew that we loved each other, more than any average pair.
We knew from the start that we were destined for forever.
You promised me forever, every day.

So when you said it was over, I knew you were angry.
But when is anger enough?
How can any emotion be more important than love?
Love.
Isn't that supposed to be our ultimate goal in life?

After 2 months on my own, I asked you
"Is it really over? Is it because you don't love me anymore?"
I begged you to say to me that you didn't love me anymore.
"I can't do that"
two months without me, and you still loved me.
But you didn't want me back.

3 more months, and you still can't speak to me.
Is it because you still love me?
Maybe you weren't ready for love.
Maybe you panicked.
But you couldn't tell me why.

You still can't tell me why.
But everyone tells me you've moved on.
You promised me, when you left, that you wouldn't.
That what you really needed was time on your own.
But how much time were you really alone?

and I wonder if you love her,
the way that you loved me?
Or if she's just a body to keep you warm.

I can't figure this out.
I can't understand.
But I know that I still love you.
I know that I can't move on.
I know that I promised you forever, and I meant it.

Forever.
Until the day my soul disperses through the atmosphere,
forgetting what love is.

You're right back
where you never belonged.
In the illusion of love
you find in her arms.

I am searching for a partner.
A kindred soul.
someone much like myself,
looking to run away from it all.
I have the plan,
I just need a friend.

Imagine to find
a cave, hiding behind a waterfall,
in a stress free world, away from society.
Denouncing our stance as humans, and conducting our lives as animals might.
Living in nature.
somewhere beautiful.