In the eternity of my soul
I exist in only a dream
of escape from this reality
into enchantment long lost
in the evolving world surrounding us.
With the excruciating knowledge
that every day will remain the same.  
Until, eventually, I come to find myself
expelled from this body,
finally exploring the truths of my world.

Blonde hair,
straightened into submission.
Face made up,
hiding the flaws.
'Beautiful'
I wonder what the world
sees,
when they call you beautiful.
Because when I look at you
all I see is your contorted soul,
twisted into a being
built on the pain of others.
Under that makeup,
under that skin,
under that superficial idea,
you have no idea what beauty is.

I am not defined
by your ideas of
humanity
I am disgusted by them.

Ive let myself believe
for so long
that you had broken me.
Because I loved you.
But I know that I am not broken,
just so disappointed in myself
for forgetting for so long that
love does not apply to me
not your kind of love anyways.
I came into your life,
to build you into the man you
needed to be.
and when that task was finished,
you were finished with me.
This is what I came to do
but I forgot
to stay disengaged.
and I am ashamed.
so I will move on
to the next broken man
who needs a little help
from a strange soul.

How
*******
pathetic.

the
way
your name tastes
like acid on my tongue.

so I carve
the letters
in to my skin
hoping
so
irrationally
to dissolve it all away

until I am nothing
but
bones
concealing
the
heart that I will
never need again.

I wish the world were blind,
so love could be.

tomorrow marks the end
of my 5th month without you.

I don't know if my heart is broken,
I haven't seen it since you left.
I think you forgot to leave it with my things.
You probably found it a week later and threw it out with everything else.

******

Someone please
just tell me
that I am not
alone.

In all my broken pieces
I hope you kept one.

Caution:*

Powered by Love:
     Heart not included.

Broken toys disappoint

We shall all reach the end
as nothing but **ourselves.

If ever it were,
Tell me it isn't true anymore.

Ignorance is bliss,
until it breeds unanswered curiosities.
What then?

Staring through my reflection
at the lobsters in the tank.
Tears welling, not for them; but me,
envious of their imminent fate.

I love you
with every
piece of me
you shattered.

Our strange skins collide,
meeting the first time in lust.

It's only tomorrows
lingering in my past.
Every
wasted
one.

My least favourite moments live
when the sun has left the sky
and I come to prepare myself
to face the perils of the night.

Before I am forced to face
the dangers lurking in the nightmare
I carry myself to the mirror
to face whatever I may find there

at first its harsh and I look away
trying to forget that it is me
staring at me from that nightmare
a reflection I wish I couldn't see.

So I come to a solution to change
the impossibilities of my reflection
I remove my contacts, and blindly
I return for another inspection.

In the blur of the mirror I imagine
all the women that I could have been
if only the blur of my vision
is what the rest of the world had seen.

Each breath I take
in seething sorrow,
leaves me loathing
the thought of tomorrow.

Is it real?
falling for the words on my screen,
begging to reach through to meet
the entity on the other side.

Ive fallen for you,
stranger in the night.

With no hope that youll
find my words, and know they are for you.

Or that You could fall for them,
if you ever do.

I'm terrified to let go
because your words
have returned to me what I thought was forever lost: My smile.

and I wish I could thank you, and tell you how Ive fallen. But anyways Im not using my heart.
you may as well keep it for a while..

My mom read my poem.
All she had to say
"Well that's just depressing"

My mother, the woman
Ive found cowering
in the corner of her closet
holding the gun to her tears
and begging for escape.

Depressing.

My mother, the woman
who tells me that after
30 years of marriage
she wishes she had never said yes.

Depressing.

THAT woman.
Who has the audacity to tell me
that she wishes
I had never been born.

Depressing.  

How can you expect me
to love myself,
when you can't
even love me...

Depressing.

look at the example you've set.

You've given a new meaning
to every moment of my life.

The ones that once made me happy are now the piercing blades through my being.

for all that you are, you are nothing but pain.
shards of broken heart, leaving me stranded in the corner,
afraid to step on the broken pieces scattered across the floor.
a room filled
with exquisite dreams, sunken with the treasure of your love.
love. it never was.
it was an elaborate set up,
for your greatest feat.
breaking the unbreakable heart.

I am a languid idea,
carved into the sand
where the rock was too resilient.

Perhaps next time
I shall be the stubborn rock
refusing to be tainted.

Or maybe I'll be
the easily manipulated sand.

When you fall in love again,
I hope she is nothing like me.
I hope she has her life together.
I hope she knows who she is.
I hope she loves herself, so you can love her, truly.

and if I ever fall in love again
I hope he is just like you.
I hope he is you.
I hope you find your way back to me,
once Ive found myself.

For if it isn't you,
I know I will never love again.

I am writing,
to stop my fingers.

I'm longing to give my words to that man,
the man that kept my heart
when he walked away.

I want to tell him that I still love him
and tell him that I still need him.
But I want to tell him that he matters so much more to me, than anyone else ever has.

including myself.

I want to tell him that my life without him is misery.
but I would rather have my own life miserable, and know that he is happy in his own,
than to share my misery as I did before.

I can't tell him any of these things.
he asks for space I can't provide.
I have to feel proud of myself that its been a week.

a week since my last unanswered message.
my last attempt at begging for what I know I don't deserve.

the over thinking. constant.

he doesn't love me.
if he ever loved me.
he never will again.

and this hope im holding onto
is suffocating me.

Do you know how it feels to wish
you were beautiful, sincerely beautiful?

To feel so broken,

when the person you love....
thought you loved....
knew you loved,
thought you knew

tells you that you can never compare
to the image in her mind of
the woman she wishes she were looking at.

and you stretch yourself
thinking that maybe you can grow and shrink
and add and subtract

but where are the flaws?
how can they all be counted when you look like this?

Feet: too big.
Thighs: Too fat.
Hips: too wide.
Stomach: don't ask.
Chest: flat.
Neck: too long.

Face.....
not enough makeup in the world.

Looking in the mirror,
regrets.

Looking at her....
begging to be everything she wants you to be.

*But I'd rather be me.

I am the proverbial cat.

Curiosity has stuck me in a box,
where I am both alive and dead .

Curiosity about human emotions,
left me scratching at the doors
of this lifeless body.

I am but a soul,
chasing smaller beings
that have no chance.

I am not alive, and dead.
I am not alive, or dead.

I am not a cat.

I am a walking paradox.

"No way!
Okay, Okay, Okay."

She's shouting at her mother,
"I hate you! Go Away!"

"The rain has stopped, the rain has stopped!
Now we can go out and play!"

She's only three, that beautiful girl,
but what next might she say?

With no idea what it is
that causes her emotions to sway.

I understand how it feels to never know
what feelings to portray.

I beg to prove that I am happy
but let a single tear stray.

She begs to prove that she's not tired
but the yawns are there to betray.

"Lets go, Lets go! the rain is gone!
and we're running out of day!"

I love this kid, but that can't be enough.
I wish that I could stay.

Because I loved you
with all of my heart.

I used to sit on your bed,
and play solitaire for hours.

Now I miss you,
when I play.

How fitting.

unassuming truths
unanswered questions
unending nightmares

In my bed I dream,
but in the day
the visions scream.

Uncontending idols,
fighting to be bigger than they seem.

Calloused bodies
in unwashed sheets,
unbearable rhythms
with undefined beats.

Explosions in my mind,
or explosions on the streets?

Concurrence is insanity
but insanity is fair.
Look around the room,
I promise you it's there.

Join me in my daydreams,
and I promise you'll be scared.

I sit
and I type
and I watch the words flow

Onto the screen,
no longer paper
an outdated source

But my screen can't
express my emotions
the words so uniform

straight lines,
and perfect curves to create
the letters and the words

but this is not me
you cannot know me
from what you read

with no personalization
and no hand made
creation.

this
is not
poetry.

this is words,
on a screen,
read monotonously

by a stranger,
too strange,
I'm sure.

It's
a
pity.

Lets start a revolution.

I'm begging to go home.
but I have no home.

I'm sleeping on couches.
Missing a life that can never be again.

I'm living how I've always wanted.
Thought, I'd always wanted.

Begging for a home that never was.

Promises are allowed to be broken,
I promise.

I listen for clues. Perhaps you'll change your mind.

You can decide.
I wont attempt to influence.

It may be a lifetime,
but Its not that much.

I'm enamored.

I tried to tell you,
but I failed. My lips part,
lusting for words.
Instead just silent breath escaped.
It screamed for you.
but you couldn't hear.
you never saw.
You should have known.

Still I try, and fail.
A screaming heart,
without the courage to speak.

No idea what to say.
instead I'll just annoy.
ignore.
run.
RUN.
You won't make it.

Nobody ever makes it, anyway.

Its an impossible task.
for me at least.

I'll try again. But you know,
I'm doomed to fail.

And perhaps I never will,
see you again. And perhaps I never will,
speak to you so sweetly.
But darling, I swear,
From the second I saw you,
To the end of Eternity,
I will love you.
unfailing.
unfaltering.
unending.


I miss you.

If I turn around I can see the sun,
the moon,
the stars.
I can't imagine a dream,
more conclusive in its ending.

They all fall.

I cannot find a solution.
I cannot find an answer to this never ending thought.
I tried today to find a light,
to light this cave I've descended into.

Instead I found more darkness, just.
It shone, as light would,
but reflected nothing.
But this darkness does not intimidate me.
I do not fear it.
I just do not understand it.

When you smile, I find it
to be absolutely fascinating.
but  I do not know how to respond.
It does not provoke my own face to mimic your emotion.

So i look on in the darkness for an emotion
I can fathom to explain. To repeat.
I fail.
I find joy, but it is not the joy you feel.

Mine is not a feeling. not an emotion.
it is an idea, a lucid dream.
my imagination, telling me the difference
between my smile and yours.

I know you.

I wish I knew you better.

I want to watch you, like I used to.
Like I used to so enjoy to do.
But life has taken us separate directions.

No.

Truth, I miss you.

Prost.

I'm a lost cause,
a hopeless
hope,
in a lightless day.

I walk to the river
with the name in my brain
the words,
washing helplessly away.

I speak for the sayers,
who've left themselves unsaid.

I cannot keep to myself,
but I cannot get your
attention.

I'm screaming
at the world.

You're the name
in my palm,
written for my memories sake.

I can't forget you though.
Regardless.
You build, and destroy.
but you make it look so easy.

Like somehow we'll all be
better.

We won't.

You
can
no
longer
make
me
believe.

I won't.

I'm going to take a
leap.
L.E.A.P.
This time its for real.

I've got the heart.
you've got the soul.

We can do anything.

Lets do it all.

I want to give you whatever
I have to give.
For now,
for ever.

Lets go.

You know,
I won't pretend. I do pretend,
but this is not the same.

I swear, dear,
you're the world that stands too close to the sun
and it burns just to wonder
about you

I'll stop thinking,
speaking,
breathing,
if that is necessary.

to remain in my frozen
world so far from yours
and I'll smile when
I feel a warmth on my cheek

but I've forgotten why,
and how
and from where the warmth
is coming.

and you can sigh
as the breeze blows through,
and chills your spine
with the memories of
what may have been

could have been,
might have been,

if our vastly differing
temperatures,
had not caused this
destructive tornado.

the tornado that
tore down the ladders
that I'd built to let you over my walls
and now,

who will bother to climb?

I am difficult.
I can no longer breathe your air.
I can no longer dream your dreams.
I am not searching.
I am not finding.
I am only confusing myself.

Ff I wander far too far, then I've found the means to an end.
I wonder about wandering, I wander into wondering.
I know the feeling.

I can stay forever.
if forever isn't real.
I can dream forever,
and I think I will.

I look your way, I see it.
I see your way.
I follow. I lead.
I need a caution sign.

Don't.

I am a trap.

a contradiction.
a letter to yourself.

forgotten.
long gone.

I pretend. Though I cannot for one moment pretend to know how to tell you the truth.

I am walking in circles.
pacing the room.
taking my time,
making my mind up.

I choose.
no.
I can't.

I want.

static cling.

I
fear
pond
monsters.

I want to build memories.
A moment that isn't worth a memory, isn't worth the time it took.
So bring me with you.
take me past the atmosphere, to a world where we belong.
I belong only with you.

allow me the choice.
I will analyze you.
us.
our situation.

it *****.  

I lose,
every time.
This is no game,
but I'll play it like one.

I'll drink to you,
to the way you make me feel.
that smile in your eyes.

that look that says "I can't remember how to look away"

I wonder if ever you see this look in my eyes.
or do you only see fear?

do you ever see how greatly I want to escape.
to run.
to never look back.
never see again.

I can't imagine.

I don't deserve the things I have.
I take what I shouldn't.


You should just turn around, and walk away.
Best advice I can give.

Where do I go from here?
Where are you going??

can I come with you?

I fear I've fallen for you.
and that can't be changed.

I am walking.
but nothing is changing.

my feet aren't moving
but the world is.

I've seen this place before
and nothing is changing

but nothing is the same
I have no idea where I am.

My feet keep moving,
but my legs aren't moving them.

my feet aren't moving.
They're not even on the ground.

I'm sitting in a car.
But I have no idea where I am.

I don't know the driver,
but the wheel is in my hands.

The road seems unending.
Everything seems to change.

But the wheel is in my hands,
and I'm not driving.

I've seen this place before.
where the road never ends.

the world is moving,
and nothing is changing.

I'm going for a walk.
I will move my feet.
I will change my world.
My life is in my hands.

How can I tell you
that you had, have, had
the most beautiful soul this world has ever seen?

How can I tell you
that every day without you
still feels like a dream?

How can I tell you
that every picture I see
still brings me to tears?

How can I tell you
that you changed every life
that you touched in your 23 years?

How can I tell you
that I'm sorry for every word
that I shouldn't have said from the start?

How can I tell you
that it wasn't your fault
when the entirety of my world fell apart?

How can I tell you
that I miss playing Kirby
at three in the morning while the boys played their game?

How can I tell you
that even though everything had already changed,
without you, nothing will ever be the same?

How can I tell you
that I miss telling you
how absolutely beautiful you are?

How can I tell you
that I miss how completely terrifying it was
riding in your car?

How can I tell you
that I miss
your beautiful baby boy?  

How can I tell you
what words
can I employ?  

How can I tell you
that I loved you,  
even if I forgot to show it?

How can I tell you
that I still love you,
or do you already know it?

Sometimes
when my conscious thoughts cease,
and I let my mind wander
into a dream,

My memory swells with the smells
of the soft sea breeze,
and holding your hand as we walked
with a perfect feeling of peace.

Though the love that we shared
came and went with such ease,
I still miss you sometimes
on quiet days like these.

And I wonder where you wander,
when your conscious thoughts cease

Bound by an idea,
twisted into fate.
I'm giving in.

You reached
for my hand,
and instead grabbed my heart.

Those smiling blue eyes
searched through my spirit,
and I'm sure they found what I was trying to hide.

It was just a moment,
a passing
a never before and never again.

and yet here I sit dreaming,
wishing,
and falling.

I can write an epic
with your thoughts
in my hand.

and you'll find in your own
an emotion
unrequited.

but I've given to you
all that one can give,
in a lingering dream.

take me with you.
wherever you're going.

Eyes open
mouth open
inhale.

INHALE.
oxygen!

new day,
must remember how to breathe.
while in my sleep,
my body pleaded to forget.

I wake.
I gasp.
I grasp.
I am suffocating.

Nightmares,
or are they?

Go back to sleep,
body will not function.
You are not breathing.
you are still dreaming.

I accept.

process,
repeated.

eyes open.
mouth open.
hesitate to inhale.

Body shakes,
quivers.
Nightmares,
for sure.

stand,
wake,
live.

believe in today,
make a change.
you will be fine.
you will survive.

6.19,
afraid to sleep.

today is the day.
you will be fine.

eyelids begging,
trick of the nightmares.
"fall asleep,
I will carry you"

Process,
repeated.

today is the day.

eyes open.
mouth open.
no need to gasp.
no need for nightmares.

Fall asleep,
stay asleep.
beg for nightmares.
weep
in the presence of my spirit.

"you are alone,
you will be alone,
I am all you have"
whispers from the depths of my soul.

I am living
the nightmare.

Process,
repeated.

eyes open
mouth open
may as well inhale.

I once believed, somewhere behind it all
that I could give myself to something great.
but somehow all I managed was to fall.

and now I must wonder, what shall befall
for you, you were there, and you were my fate,
I once believed, somewhere behind it all.

I swore to myself that I would stand tall,
that I would never shatter under this weight,
but somehow all I managed was to fall.

And now you've helped me build my greatest wall,
I could hide here inside, where I'll be safe,
I once believed, somewhere behind it all.

and to me my gypsy soul may now call,
and the world I may circumnavigate
but somehow all I managed was to fall.

for now I shall wander, down lifes grand hall
there must be happiness, along this strait
I once believed, somewhere behind it all.
But somehow all I managed was to fall