I lost my innocence when I was small
It was what had caused me to build up walls
The older one you are supposed to trust
Made me cry with his pubescent lust

Just five years old when it began to start
Eleven when he had a change of heart
The smell, the room, the feel of the bed
Are the very things that stay in my head

I could not tell for who would believe
That this boy would do this to his niece
Not all can understand my shame
Or even know where to place the blame

The small girl with blue eyes and blonde hair
Or the pre-teen boy with an arrogant air
At five you don’t understand that it’s bad
But you always know it makes you sad

I have since came to terms with what happened to me
An innocence lost that will no longer be
Nevermore will I hide this shame
I will forever refuse to hide his name

I have confronted my demon from my past
It is his disgrace that will now last

It is mine and mine alone...to fight…talk…cry…scream…hate…hold...and hopefully someday face and accept. How could I have possibly believed that someone else could understand...

I feel like I am so many different people disconnected from each other wrapped tightly inside this lost little body with no escape.

                                              I am a mother
                                              I am a wife
                                              I am a friend
                                              I am a professional
                                              I am so much more…
I am an ****** survivor…she is the part that is wholly separate from the rest of ‘Nita’.

I have never faced her, accepted her or anything that happened to her, she was not me…now she has grown into this big all-consuming monster growing inside of me. And the bigger she gets, the louder she is, the faster I have tried to bury her and push her away. But she is now way too big and I am way too old to bury her anymore. And I have to figure out a way to be okay with her being a part of me.

Why do I continue to run and fight who I used to be and who I am? Why am I so scared and so ashamed? Why do I continue to live in doubt and hopelessness? Why can’t I trust anyone? Why can I not understand and accept her? If this is what I so desperately wish for, what I have worked so hard for the past 5 years, why can I not just DO it? Why? Why can’t I be okay with ALL of me?

I am rambling tonight because I do not feel well and I am afraid to keep all of this inside of my head for fear that tonight could end with the unaccepted being punished. And there is no ‘support system’ in place right now to help me with that. There is just ‘me’, logical adult Nita, trying desperately to remain in charge. I catch myself not breathing, and it feels like I have to talk myself through a few breaths before it becomes subconscious again. And yet even when I concentrate on my breathing, I cannot breathe deeply, I cannot let all the air out of my lungs. Why? Is that because I am afraid and untrusting that air will fill my lungs in the next breath? Not only can I not trust another human being, I cannot trust my own body to breathe?  

I am not crazy. I am not weak. I am alive and I am lucky. I am alive…so now what? Is this where I say, “Yes, I am an ****** survivor~ time to move on.” And then I walk away? I keep trying that. I am an ****** survivor. I am an ****** survivor. (I suppose that is a step forward, I still can’t say the words out loud, but I can write them now.)


               I SURVIVED THE ABUSE ~ IT IS TIME TO MOVE ON…

But I need help with the second part. I mean, I have moved on, I am an adult, I am not helpless. I can function in society, and the majority of the people in my life probably think I am a product of a normal childhood. But it has affected so many parts of me, parts of me I am possibly not even aware of yet. That is the only way to explain the nightmares and the triggers and the strange reactions to what most people consider normal situations. I try to keep track of these moments, events, feelings, and I think I am doing better, right now…and yet I also feel like I am waiting for fate to stomp on me and squash me like an ant.  

I wish I could talk to people in my real life and trust that they won’t look at me in shame, embarrassment, or worse, pity…but I cannot. Nope – my past is mine…and I am left here alone now – to fight with it, talk to it, hate it, deal with it, cry with it – and maybe someday accept it.

And I will do it alone because it is my past…no one else’s.
How I could I have possibly thought that someone else could understand.

Grandpa sits in his favorite chair,
Spots his granddaughter and starts to stare,
Whips out his **** and starts to stroke,
He knows it’s his granddaughter he wants to poke,
Calls her over and says, “Pretty please.”
Come on granddaughter get on your knees,
She does as she’s told and ***** him with zest,
Because she knows ****** is best.

Uncle Roy decides to give it a whirl,
He likes to dress his nephew up as a girl,
Likes to see him in silk and lace,
Lipstick and makeup on his face,
Imagining him with heels on his feet,
As he sits there and starts to stroke his meat,
He’d love to put him to the test,
Because he knows ****** is best.

Mother decides to get in on the act,
Her and her son have a special pact,
While her husbands at work she gets in his bed,
Pulls down his pants and starts giving him head,
Son likes his mom dressed up in her lace,
As he shoots his load all over her face,
He knows his mom is better than the rest,
Because he knows ****** is best.

Sister and brother are a special pair,
It’s more than a last name these two share,
Brother Bill can’t believe his luck,
Having a sister that likes to ****,
Says, “Hey Sis, come on over here.”
As he bends her over and takes her rear,
Going at it like animals it becomes a real fuckfest,
Because they both know ****** is best.

Father can’t believe his daughter is so kind,
She’s on her knees as he takes her behind,
She moans and screams and starts to cry,
Says, “Hey Daddy, you’re my kind of guy.”
Daddy tells her ****** is the better way,
It’s a game the whole family can play,
Daddy treats his daughter like an honored guest,
Because they both know ****** is best.

11-27-09b.

A form of love
which lost its boundaries
needs to be nurtured from the beginning
to have an ending
love has boundaries
lust has a beginning at every ending
now just shut up and bounce cersei !
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Jamie lannister
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You told me it was wrong.
When I texted you seeing how you were.
You told me it was wrong.
When I grabbed your hand and said I'd never let go.
You told me it was wrong.
When I asked for one last kiss.
You told me it was wrong.
When you gave it to me.
You told me it was wrong.
When everything finally felt right.

Something's wrong when I fall asleep at 9 and wake up in the afternoon
Something's wrong when I spend my day confused not knowing what to do
Something's wrong when I start doing things I never knew I could do
Something's wrong when your face is the only thing I can draw
Something's wrong when poems are the only way to say what's true
Something's wrong when life's so beautiful yet it seems so blue
Something's wrong when I close my eyes in my prayers and pray for you
Something's wrong when crying is all I do
Something's wrong when everyone looks and asks "what's wrong with you"

Something is wrong and that thing is you
Something's wrong and it's the way I think of you
Something's wrong and it's the time I chose you
Something's wrong cause I know it won't be true
Something's wrong but I'll hold on to you
Something's wrong and it's dreaming of you

Something's wrong and it's loving you.