I know I've felt happy lately
But you don't see how close
The darkness really is
Threatening my neck with every step

I am ashamed of what I've done
To you and others alike
But that's why I'm trying to change
It's why I'm growing into a better person

Believe it or not
Worrying too much about others is
At least in part
Why I've hurt so many people
I try to save these broken people
But I hurt them more in the end
Because I was listening to their desires
Without thinking about myself
Without realizing what I truly feel

Trust me for once
It isn't easy to live this life
I am not proud of my past
I am not proud of my choices
But I really am trying
I really am changing

I know you think it's too late
But there's nothing that could change
The fact that I hurt you this bad
All I can do is learn from my mistakes
And stop myself from hurting anyone else

Because even though I'm happier these days
I still hate myself for what I've done
You think I'm standing on the bones
Of the lovers who I've hurt
Just to get myself ahead
But those skeletons live in my mind
And they're not tucked nicely away in closets
They're scattered in unexpected places
Drowning me in endless flashbacks
Burning the skin where they've touched me
Their goodness destroyed by my darkness
Those memories destroy me
But I'm trying to get better

And since I can't change the past
That's all I have to hold on to

the difference between 2017 and 2018 is

in 2017 i met you
in 2017 i fell in love with you
and in 2017 i lost you
and in 2017 i must leave you

in 2018 i no longer have but a memory of you
in 2018 i have myself and layers of trauma i'm not too sure me and my friends are ready to deal with yet

in 2017, you were You
in 2018 you are now Him

he does not deserve the privilege of You if He didn't recognise the privilege he had when he had Me.

She knew it.
Knows it,
Now it -
is?

Shredded, broken, twisted?
All at once.
She's sure of it,
She knew it,
She knows it.

An ideal, a futile wish,
Now?
A nightmare,

-

Heartbreak.

She doesn't want to
but,
She knows it.

Forever and an instant met up one day,
had a short but lovely talk,
then each went on its way.