they were right
those that have suffered through it
the first night is the hardest
so I've heard
so I've learned
All nights are, can be
difficult, painful for certain
when surrounded by familiar
in the house, now so quiet
Erie, one less pillow,
empty closet now,
one less blanket
and time alone, so badly unwanted
it was to yourself and in the dark
" I did not want this. "
the first night, is.
The worst, the hardest.

I love resting my head on your shoulder as you tell me how everything is supposed to be
Live life to the fullest and never be afraid of anything.

she’s the girl who will remember everything. from your birthday, to the story behind that scar on your left arm, to the number of freckles on your body.

she will love every inch of your body and your soul and even the heart you didn’t know you had.

she will take in everything you have to offer and give you back so much more. so much, that you won’t even know what to do with it.

she will open up the world for you. from books and music and film to things like culture and race and language.

she’s smarter and far more beautiful than she dares herself to show.

and you will love her.

you will love her like you’ve never loved anybody before.

she will level every winter your body has suffered with all the springs her bones have weathered.

and when you go, because you can no longer handle her, she will drown herself in alcohol and drugs and sorrow. and wonder why she wasn’t good enough.

she will refuse to be saved by any other hand because nobody can touch her quite like you.

she will **** herself with loneliness and then resurrect with her own scent.
and then she will do it again.

and again.

and again.

and again.

she will be weak and strong and bold and shy and mean and nice and everything in between.

she will grow. she will grow strong and tall.

and so will you.

and in ten years from now, when you run into her at the supermarket, she will ask about your marriage.

and while you’re there telling her about your wife, who is home with the kids, and your job, she will feel genuinely happy for you.

because she forgave you. she forgave you for walking away and she forgave herself for ever thinking she wasn’t good enough.

she will have realized by then that sometimes life will give you somebody just to watch you break when it takes them away from you.

and she will be okay with it.

and so will you.

but, she will walk away without telling you about her life because she doesn’t want you to hear it in her voice that she still remembers your birthday, and that birthmark on your right shoulder.

and that ten years ago, she had hoped you would run into somebody else and told them all about her being at home with the kids.

Tears fall like raindrops
Flowing lightly to the floor
My eyes are blurry
My body is sore

I’ve been through the fire
I’ve been through the flames
Never untouched
Never the same

The scars are well hidden
As well as the tears
I’ve sick of this pain
The hurt and the fear

I’m tired of running
Through the hot scolding flames
Please take me away
Before I go insane

Scavenging for that once in a lifetime
Four leaf clover
Heads down
Eyes searching the earth
For one small piece of luck
That may never be found
These chins need to rise
People need to see the world
Stop looking for this luck
And realize how lucky they are
To be alive
To live in this beautiful world.

Years go by
People come and go
Just like the seasons
The sun and the snow

They touch your heart
Some good some bad
Some leave you happy
Some leave you sad

Each person counts
Remembered or not
They were in your life for reason
Nothing happened for naught

What a horrible mistake, the choice that I made
I know it now, but didn’t on that day
I let you go, not once but twice
I took the bait and rolled the dice

I thought it was him
How wrong could I be?
All I can think of now is you and me

He told me he loved me
We’d be as one
Memories of our past
Kept me holding on

I made the choice
It was him
Now my future looks nothing but grim

You’re now with her
Two hearts as one
Engaged to be married
Where do I run?

Here I stand questioning life
Questioning choices I’ve made
Could I have been your wife?

I’m getting to old to fall in love again
I don’t believe I can ever find Zen

So here I sit
Questioning my entire life
My head is filled with nothing but strife

Where do I go from here?
I’m done holding on
I’m all alone, and he is long gone

Love is too painful
I’m full of regret
You’ll always be in my heart
I wish we never met

It doesn't matter how hard I try
I never seem to get away
Cause after all you did to me
I fear these feelings will always stay

Your lies I believed were the truth beneath
The pain recedes but the heart bleeds
My instincts were right all along
I’m just a part of your love song

You see, I live my life in fear
Fear I won't succeed
And every small critique I get
Makes me once again recede

My Iloveyous to you were inevitable
Like the sun emitting his ardor
Despite the moon in slumber’s nocturne
He shines brightly with fervor

I live my life, always afraid
That I am not on the right path
And if I take one small misstep
I'll have to face somebody's wrath

Time consumes me while I waste it away
Like grains of sand as I clenched and ran
Only to lose it
Again and again

I am eternally scared
That all my judgments are wrong
And if I ever meet someone
They'll only like me for so long

But then I met you out of the blue
You were trying to forget someone too
We sparked like fireworks in the night sky
But the fire burnt out and our colors faded hue

I live my life in constant fear
I fear that you were right
I simply am not good enough
And I will not be alright

Thank you for proving me right
That we were not meant to be
How could you love another light
When I was the one your darkness pleased

But even worse than all these things
Is my terror that someday
I will meet someone else like you
And not be able to get away.

You complete me
&
You destroyed me