Thoughts of her fit like a coffin
In all the bad ways.
Midnight eyes with stars and galaxies gaze
Fixed
They never change
And the ending still remains
She fades
From memories
And the last twelve days
Turn to the last twelve months.
That was when I realized that nothing would ever last
And she sat at the end of my kitchen table
Yellow sun dress pooling
A beam of light in a lonely room full of people
My lungs collapsing
Tongue failing
Words half formed falling forth
Between us
And she smiled.
I was nervous.
She was stunning,
Sitting patiently under my camera lens as I took several more pictures
And now I can only see her in my dreams.
Dark hair and darker eyes
Tired and smiling
Voice singing sweet lullabies
To voices in my head that seem to never sleep
Next in line
Like pills you can't wait to take
Another false reality
And I'm wishing she'd leave my head
Because she fits my mind like a coffin
In all the bad ways

As I lay here all alone again,
I ask God why couldn't he take me instead?
Why must I endure such pain?
Was it because of something I did or something I said?
Why do I have to be the one all alone inside my head?
I look both ways and still I'm all alone in my bed.
As night comes all I feel is dread.
Not wanting to move ahead.
I lay here,
I plead,
I beg.
Nothing ever happens, just the lonely tears I shed.
All the memories I wish I'd forget.
All the spurious love I've grown to regret.
How could I have been so mislead?
All alone I cry.
All alone again.

I am thankful for another day of breath,
Another day to get up, stretch my arms, and grab a pen,
Jot down a thought, a mismatched feeling, a strange sensation,
Pluck a note or two on the guitar, hammer a chord on the piano,

Sketch a funky thing on a piece of paper,
Talk to my family, reach out to a stranger,
Add a gift of hope, listen to some sound the wind carries,
Love like the next move the clock makes will be to run me through.

I am thankful to run here, there, dream mad, crazy, absurd things,
Conjure childish, stupid goals, reach for them, and hopefully catch them,
And praise even as I grab palm fulls of empty air.
I praise God Almighty especially as I grab palms full of empty air.

I am thankful for the moments of sitting across from Russian girls and not understanding them,
Admiring their beauty as they talk, one singing Madonna, the other speaking quickly,
And I am thankful for the moments of making a fool of myself and stubbing my toes as I walked away.
I am thankful for the audiences played for so infinitely much, the cheers, the times I was and am admired,
And I am thankful for the times I have been scoffed at, the times I was and am afraid.


I am thankful to God, dearly and bountifully, Lord knows, for everything and all things.
Things I don't deserve, things I shouldn't see or have, but things I cherish,
And things that I know are divine,
And in heaven, I owe God all things, but I want to have a hug.

From my Father in heaven, I want most of all, a hug.

Mother,
Tell me why people
Hurt each other
Why father tears you apart
Yet you smile in pain

Mother,
Remember the time
When a homeless man
Was a filth
In a woman's eyes?
A curse even in his helplessness?

Mother,
Why do the kids in school
Despise a color?
Is black all that bad?
I happen to like that boy,
why can't they?

Mother,
Why did cousin die
Just because
She wore the wrong clothes
Acted funny
When she was having fun by herself?

Mother,
Why do people hurt each other?
Make me understand
Please,please
My chest feels weird
When I see tears and black and blue
And scars, too
I hate seeing people sad
Don't you hate it too?

The child draws
a lovely picture
of a house
so perfect
A mother
with a beautiful smile
A father
with presence...

But it's only
a picture,
afterall

Love is suicide,
Loving you is emotional death
Hyperventilation,
Cardiac arrest

There exists no life without you
I am crippled by the absence of your warmth
Struggling to be free from thy love
Whilst chained to the ground.