Dear Bri,

My therapist asked me if
I thought I should
Write you a letter for closure
I was confused and said no
I was done with us
Over it
That was a few months ago
I can see now
What she might have seen then
I am carrying a lot of anger
A lot of pain and resentment
Because of the way you treated me
And how victimized you painted yourself
As you shamed me publicly
All over social media
For "cheating" on you when
We definitely have different understandings
Of what constitutes cheating
And then you took it a step further
To spread your delusions about me
When we could've had a conversation

You shamed me so hard at the end
Because "you didn't even know me anymore"
When you clearly didn't know me at all
I told you when we first met
I do not want kids and
I never want to get married
And you were surprised
After year and a half
When you bring it up
And I tell you again
I do not want that life
You cried and said we would be nothing then
So I bought you a ring
I figured, whatever
If we were going to be forever
I might as will compromise
Something you didn't understand much at all
Especially when it came to ***

After we broke up
You wrote me a letter
In it you attacked me for
Never having *** when you wanted
Since you'd have it with me
When you didn't want to
(Something I was very unaware of
And extremely not ok with)
Apparently I should've done the same
But I didn't want *** if you didn't
I could've ******* myself if that were the case
I didn't ask you to do that for me
I wish you didn't
Because love isn't about *** frequency
It's more about communication
And honesty
And I'm not perfect at that
But I tried

When I sent you an article
About why I avoid ***
Due to a ****** assault
You got mad at me
"What am I supposed to do,
Just wait until you're ready?"
Yes.
If you respected me
Then you would

And when I talked to you about
My interest in polyamory
You didn't give me a chance
To even discuss it more
You immediately said no
And that was that
You said you wouldn't change your mind
Which I should have known since
When I became friends with
A member of the church do you dragged me to
(Even though I'm an atheist)
You were mad because they were poly
And you didn't want me "getting any ideas"
And when that approach didn't work
You claimed that my being friends with them
Conflicted with your friendship with another member
Because they were connected negatively through an ex
Because we can't have our own friends?

But that's exactly what I needed
Because you shamed me so hard
For the things I care about most
That I lost myself in us
I no longer existed
Because I was "too radical"

So you didn't really love me
Because you didn't know me
You loved who you made me
Or whoever you saw in your mind
And somehow you were surprised
When I decided to leave
Because of course you did nothing wrong
But I was suffocating
So I left to explore myself
And my potential polyamorous identity

But then you were willing to try it
You didn't want to lose me
So you said you'd try an open relationship
But
Only under strict guidelines
And if I didn't agree to them
You wouldn't try
You called it "compromise"
But there's a huge difference
Between boundaries
And rules
That's not how polyamory thrives
So I left.

And a few months later
We talked about it again
You gave me more rules
"No other romantic partners "
Which would've required me
To leave who I was presently seeing
Just to have *** with randoms
And commit emotionally
Only to you
But I also had to agree
To eventually move up north with you
Regardless of my own life aspirations
Because I never really mattered to you
Only the fake picture you had of me

And all of those rules
Occurred while you simultaneously
Shamed polyamory
And me for wanting it
Because "I just didn't want to commit"
It is "an abomination"
"Disgusting"
Just because you didn't understand it
Because you were afraid of it

You didn't understand me
But you "loved" me
And you were the victim
Right?
I'm not saying I'm not at fault
But you are too

I cry for things I might have done
And who I might have been.

I cry for opportunities missed
And enterprise that failed.

I cry for hands I might have held
That somehow I let slip away.

I cry beause the time is short
With so much treasure left unfound.

I cry because it’s the only thing
That’s somehow left for me to do.
                  ljm

Norman Rockwell and Jim Unger
Artists from my past
I've met one but not the other
A memory that  will last

Who the hell is Bertrand Russell?
I asked over a drink
A man who changed the world forever
Changed the way we think

I remember the Norman Rockwell painting
It's burned deep  inside my mind
But, I have got a copy
It's the best one that you'll find

An artist unknown to others
But, a special one to me
My father drew old Russell
It's quite a piece to see

It's never been inside a book
And never will it be
But, Bertrand Russells' wrinkles
Mean a lot to me

Jim Unger and his Herman
Were a favorite of my brother
The artist and his humour
Were unlike any other

We met him at a signing
My brother brought his art
He showed it to Jim Unger
He broke my brother's heart

My brother was an artist
Just like my Dad as well
Their art, not for the public
Their art, was not to sell

Their art should be remembered
Their art should be displayed
Like a vintage guitar  sitting
It's better if it's played

So, now two artists pictures
Hidden for an age
Will be shown, for everybody
On a printed page

I give you first, my brother
Ian Turner was his name
No longer is he with us
But, this will show he came

The second one, my father
John Turner, is his name
His drawing days behind him
But, man did he have game

So, here for your enjoyment
Rockwell via Turner number one
Followed by Ungers' Herman
That was done by Turner's son

i looked out at the weather
the clouds were moving fast
Winter was incoming
The season would not last

With fences needing mending
And cattle still to ship
Winter would be early
I could feel it in my hip

Every morning I would  get up
Stagger down to get a brew
The pain was getting worse now
I'd lost a step or two

My daughter told me "Daddy"
"You need to see to that"
I'd grumble at her, smile
Then take my coffee and my hat

I'd go outside and wait some
Look out north for there I'd see
The last great wild pony
He's a stubborn one like me

I've chased him round these hill for years
Caught him once or twice
But, no one here could break him
No matter how we rolled the dice

He runs a herd of forty
I just let them go their way
I see them in the hills sometimes
And that's where I'll let them stay

There's other wild horses
Running round here that we chase
But, his...we let them venture
We let all forty have their space

Time has slowed me up some
It's got to him, I know as well
His is just from aging
Mine is where I fell

I was chasing wolves up on the ridge
They'd been running round the ranch
My horse slipped up and threw me
I landed sideways on a branch

I heard the pop and felt the pain
A searing burn through me
Beside me, lying helpless
My horse looked up at me

I did just what I had to
One swift shot between the eyes
Now, there I was out lying
A broken hip and ****** thighs

I'm not sure how when it happened
By rights I should have died
But, somehow, I can't tell you
That lone pony saved my hide

He saw me lying helpless
Knew the wolves were there as well
He took off once he saw me
Left his herd right where I fell

They walked in a tight circle
Kept me safe right where I lay
He took off to get assistance
His herd, knew they should stay

Like I said, I don't remember
How long I was lying in that space
But, I remember waking up and
I saw with him, a friendly face

They told me he wreaked havoc
Broke the fence down at my place
Kicked a fuss enough up
Then led my ranch hands on a chase

They chased him till they had him
This pony wild and free
He brought them to his herd of horse
He brought them out to come save me

He kicked the ground and whinnied
Looked at me, to say ok
The men loaded me up with them
I'd live to see another day

Fifteen years have passed since
I see him up there on the hills
While I sit outside just watching
The pain, it's helped some by my pills

A thousand wild horses
Well, for certain...forty one
Couldn't drag me to a doctor
Not while I can see the sun

He's a stubborn one that pony
Comes around I think to show
He ain't gonna go before me
And, I think he's right you know

My daughter keeps on trying
And I love to hear her try
But all the wild horses
Wouldn't even let me die

He's a part of me I guess now
Just like I'm of him of course
This stubborn limping cowboy
And that stubborn wild horse

I wish you could see this,
That silence is a perfect circle.