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 Jun 2014
NitaAnn
When do you stop blaming yourself? Stop believing that you deserved it because you are worthless, *****, a failure (just look at everything else you have failed in)? When do you sleep through the night and not wake up with your stomach in a knot and your lungs begging for air? When does your heart start to open up and love yourself? When does it stop being scared?

I'd love to know...because I'm not sure how much more I can take. It's kind of funny because, I am not even sure how much of these feelings are from the CSA or how much is from family problems now or how much is just from my declining physical health. Today is a rough day. I'm hoping once the coffee sets in and I wake up a little more...it'll get better...
 Jun 2014
betterdays
when the world,
was much younger
and i was a stupid-crazy
girl-ly-chick, enamoured
with her youth.

i drove, a sunshine,
lemon, yellow bottomed, white pith on top combi van. coyly, cloyingly named Mello Martha.

it was...surfboards and swimsuits,
egg and bacon sangers,
early morning breezes,
after a blitz at the breadbox.

before... changing into
the structured, tortured baby, bank teller blues,
in the back,doors left open.

it was... rockin, knockin,
***, on credit,
to a promised future,
alluded to, but postponed,
for the moment.

it was... bruised back and
grazed knees,
harder, deeper oh god!
oh god! please... faster, fucken frenzies,
on a saturday night.

it was....running away to nowhere,
to find myself,
then finding me,
running away from,
the self i didn't want to know.
noway, nowhere, nohow.

it was... a barrel of monkeys, a barrel of laughs,
a keg of beer,
a box of wine,
under the crowded stars.

it was.... a roadtrip,
up the coast,
midnight bonfire,
midnight munchies,
playing hunches,
exploring reefs and reefers and such.

it was...far from family
and church rules,
a friendly rebellion,
of loud, proud youth.
totally and brazenly,
uncouth
it was... wham! and m.j.
cindy and boy george's culture club ,paperlace,
billy idol and the beach boys.
sung with abandon,
at spinal tap level eleven.

it was... peaceful, quiet, sleeping grace.
insanely in love with...
i forgot his name.

it was.... the birth of bodaciously me.
all brass hair and bosoms,
wild and carefree.

it was ....so long ago,

it was... yesterday night,

when i saw... Mello Martha's identical twin,
stopped at a traffic light.
it was... sunshine and lemon, bitter and sweet,
as she sailed off, down the street.
i sat and watched,
wist, full of recollect,
far and away, from my presently minded place...
sitting in, the driver's seat,
of my mom-blue subaru.
 Jun 2014
aphrodite
Stop replaying that night when you drank too much and said the wrong things and kissed the wrong person.

Stop wishing you could take back the words you said in the fight that ended things for good.

Stop wishing you had gotten better grades in high school instead of taking up a habit that you still haven't broken 5 years later.

Stop wishing you had taken more pictures last Christmas because you didn't know it would be the last Christmas you would spend with your father.

Stop wondering if your best friend took what you said that one time the wrong way.

Stop hating yourself for staying quiet that one time you saw something you knew was wrong, but turned a blind eye.

We are all ****** up people.
We are all flawed.
We have all hurt someone we love, we have all broken things that can never be repaired.
But regret gets exhausting,
and eventually,
if you let it,
it will bleed you dry.


Forgive yourself.
I feel like the only thing I have to offer in my writing any more are things that I'm going through, and from my own experience.
I've kind of hit a writing block for a while now.
If anyone has a topic that they'd like me to write something on, please let me know!
I hope you all enjoyed this, and I hope you're one day able to forgive yourself for that one thing that you carry around with you everywhere you go.
**
 May 2014
Camellia-Japonica
We said our vows
in front of a crowd
of well wishers
and family.

We moved in
as husband and wife
and started a life
not in sin but love.

How quickly love turns sour
our wedding rings
they came to symbolise
flings and lies.

How quickly love dies.
The ring now just a band
of cold gold encompassing
a finger filled with hate.

A poison ring,
no longer are we yin to yang.
Yet the upswing to this decline
is that I watch the crystalline water
on a recliner, paid for by your life
Insurance.
© JLB
 May 2014
Theia Gwen
Darling,
You deserve more
Than what this world
Could ever give to you
And trust me,
If I could take your pain
And suffering
And make it my own
I'd do it in a heartbeat
Because you are more beautiful
Than Michelangelo's David,
And you turned this pessimist
Into a believer in humanity
And you've turned this atheist
Into a believer of angels
Because what else could you be?
And you make me wish there was More
Because I want more for you
Because every time my ears against
Your chest
It reminds me
That when it comes down to it,
You're just human
And no human can escape oblivion
But you deserve so much better
Because it's amazing
That there are 7 billion people
But when we're together,
I only see you
And I hope you only see me
 May 2014
Jai Grier
I still remember that night. I remember how I felt before it happened more vividly than how I felt after. I think I remember it so well because that was the last time I ever felt whole.
My shorts were short
my ******* were wet
my sweet little cherry had yet to be popped.

Your intentions filled the room as I admired the spit drool on the side of your lips. The uneasy smirk on your face. You wanted a lot more than to "just get laid." I was far too young to even begin to understand the parts of my body you knew not to touch.

As you kissed me down my neck and your manhood grew harder, my spine quivered and my fear shook. My mother always told me to follow my gut and when I did you grabbed me and you told me not to listen to it. You told me to ignore what I didn't want for the sake of your temporary pleasure. You disregarded my comfort and put your **** ahead of my feelings.

You yanked my legs open and your ripped me into two pieces, and till this day I have yet to find the other half you stolen from me, and I swear I almost see it everyday when I stand ahead of myself naked infront of my mirror but I can never stare at myself long enough to grab me in and make myself whole again.

Do you see what you have done to me? Was each stroke of stolen pleasure worth every jump I make when the man I love touches me with permission? Was your everlasting ******, sounds of moans and sighs escaping from your lips, echoing in my stomach and spilling out in my tears worth me cutting myself open every night since?

I guess it was because at least I'm giving myself permission opening myself up. At least the pain has consent. At least the blade dragging across my skin silenced the sound of your pleasure inside of me. At least the blood from my wrist dripping onto the bathroom floor isn't mixed with your ***.

At least I have the choice to put just a little more pressure in and I wont have to be reminded of you anymore.
 May 2014
Smiles
It's raining, it's storming
The tools are conforming
Society will be the death of me
Please pills, don't let me wake in the morning
It's sleeting, it's snowing
Their plastic smiles are glowing
Put your make up on, dignity gone
Make sure your "made in China" tag isn't showing
Its windy, the sun is shining!
Their ignorance is blinding!
No hope for mankind, I've lost my mind
There is no silver lining
Anarchy? Anyone?
 Apr 2014
Theia Gwen
I refuse to stay silent
I've participated in the day of silence twice now
The first time in 8th grade
We got cards that explained why we weren't speaking
I stayed silent the whole day
And felt quite special about it too
Lunch was a long game of charades
And I thought to myself
"I can't wait for the next day of silence."
And I hardly thought about why I was being silent
To begin with

9th grade I did it again
I brought a whole pack of sticky notes with me
And by the end of the day,
I felt the need to plant a tree
To pay the world back for all the paper wasted
I broke my silence by lunch time
Because my friend needed to tell me
How much she wanted to ask this girl out
And I wanted to ask this boy out
And I went home that night
Hardly thinking about why
I was (mostly) silent that day

April 11th would be my third year
Participating in the Day Of Silence
If I was participating
Which I won't be
Not become I'm homophobic or anything
Oh, no
But I began to think about being silent
And what it accomplished
What does it accomplish?
I realize it's supposed to be symbolic
Of LGBT youth whose voices are forever silenced
Because they decided their life should end
On their own terms
Suicide is a taboo word
A stigmatized topic
I'm not gay, or bi, or trans
But there are nights
When suicide looks easier
But I can't tell anyone I feel like this
Because no one likes discussing ugly things
And we'd rather live with the pretty lies
And it's much easier to fake a smile
Than lose all my friends
So what kind of message are we sending
When we stay silent on subjects like suicide
And students stay silent
Because they don't want to speak in class
And then feel like they're doing the world a favor
Making some political statement
I want to tell the story
Of the girl who got kicked out of her house
For bringing another girl home
I want to share the tragedy
Of the boy, bullet in brain
Because he was born a she
I want to be the voice
Saying "It's okay."
Not censoring my words
Maybe I'm misinterpreting
What the Day Of Silence is all about
But at least I have the power to say
You will never silence me
I've been thinking about the day of silence a lot recently, and personally I think it's *******. It's a good idea and I think that LGBT suicide and suicide in general needs to be more well known but spreading a message by being silent just seems counterintuitive and stupid to me.
In case you don't know what the day of silence is, its website described it as "The Day of Silence is a student-led national event that brings attention to anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment in schools. Students from middle school to college take a vow of silence in an effort to encourage schools and classmates to address the problem of anti-LGBT behavior by illustrating the silencing effect of bullying and harassment on LGBT students and those perceived to be LGBT."
 Apr 2014
Theia Gwen
I put the blade down
Once again
The gleam of silver shining
Obstructing my view
Imagining metallic
Deep in my skin
I pick it up,
Put it down,
Pick it up again
Recovery
Or
Relapse
I choose the latter
REVERSE
I choose the latter
Relapse
Or
Recovery
Pick it up again
Put it down
I pick it up
Deep in my skin
Imagining metallic
Obstructing my view
The gleam of silver shining
Once again
I put the blade down
It's amazing how just reading a poem backwards can change its meaning entirely. :)
 Apr 2014
Theia Gwen
Heart thumping
Face on the desk
We're talking about suicide
And I know what comes next

She tells us not to look
We have to close our eyes
She says it's an anonymous survey
And I wonder if I should lie

Raising our hands is a yes
And everything inside me
Screams no while I
Try to calm my bouncing knee

I raise a tentative hand
When she asks if we've considered suicide
That tentative hand raise is the largest step I've taken
And part of me feels peace deep down inside
In Health class today we were talking about suicide and she told us to close our eyes and put our heads on the desk and she asked us a few questions about suicide and I've never told anyone blatantly that I've been suicidal so this is a small step I suppose.
 Apr 2014
BeautyOverScars
Daddy!!!!
Where are you?
I need you
It seems like we were close,
Until I lost you.

Now I feel:
Abused.
Misused.
Shut-out.
Independent.
These people don't know our bond,
I can feel your presence.

I can feel you but I'm never able to touch you,
Hug you and tell you how much I love you.

A mothers love is all they say I need
But lately I've been deprived of the very little I need.

I need you in my life to show me true loves course,
Because without you love is lost.

Where will you be when I'm eight-teen years of age,
To show me that I do have some good ways.
To be my teacher but not to an actual class;
To be there when all love seems lost.
To guide me and show me the right way.

All these words running through my mind so I'm left to say:
"Daddy, where are you I need you?"
With no response, I carry on my way;
Thinking my daddy will answer me some-day.
#Rip W.R. # Forever in My Heart #Your little girl is growing up :'(
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