I became your favorite obsession
I wondered if my last hour had come.
I am not alive until you called,
In an hour or two my cell phone becomes as hot as I am.
Take me, break me, I can’t be obedient,

I want to feel whole again…
without looking over my shoulder.
Oh my wounded and troubled heart
My soul is in deep anguish,
Without this forceful conquest

Within my eyes, jealousy wedge deep
Because of my self-critical thoughts,
My early rejections, my feeling, thoughts and action:

Our grandmother’s words came to be fulfilled
“An old fashion botheration,
   My indulgence from my past,
This led to an old fashion romance,
That wasn’t resolved then or now.

Take this kiss from my lip
And in return take off your glasses
and let me see your weary eyes
You are not wrong, my jealousy is a disease

If life had be kinder to us,
I would have been yours,
And you would have been mine.
I would have been the slave to you,

I stood by the window, and stare down at couples walking by
holding hands and I thought about them and I think about us:
Making further plans and I waved my hand to them
and smile because love is a lie.

heart of darkness encounter of lies
I have paid my dues, I settled my tithes.

How can I tell my heart to stop loving him?
I became his favorite obsession, now he’s mine
Take me, break me, I can’t be obedient,
I want to feel whole again, my friend

My wounded and troubled heart,
My soul is in deep anguish,
without this forceful conquest
So why do I weep in my sleep?

My God of refuge, what was the hidden truth?
I played with fire, and now I am burnt.

falling falling
the balconies **** by as im falling
the lights of the city spread out below me
getting closer
getting closer to an answer
falling
the balconies with startled faces watching me
falling
the air is so still im moving so fast
its like a dream
its like flying
spread my wings
lung full of bright hot air
falling
let loose a cry
like a warrior
screaming out loud at the ground i will now defeat
eyes wide open
falling
falling
getting closer to an answer
lights of the world blurry in my closing eyes
falling
here comes the ground to greet me
soft grass to land on
green and wonderful full of summer scents
falling
failing
falling

She is not folded in the crooks
of crooked grins
or enveloped in the yuks
that follow poorly executed jokes.
She pays no mind
as she singes the edges
of those brave enough
to approach her.
She spits on empathy
and disregards
the “what ifs” or “why nots.”
Rarely spoken aloud,
she is deafening
when confined to quiet corners,
and will lurk there,
unmentioned and unforgotten.

When permitted to surface,
she looks nothing like you’d expect—
badly disguised and undeniably
                        ugly,
with unforgiving features
that have been bent and twisted—
coated with
a sticky sugary sheen.
She demands to be considered,
as she slides, jagged and bitter,
off of the tongue
and into the light.

She’s always there,
regardless of any acknowledgement—
closer than we desired,
bigger than we imagined,
wiser than we hoped.
She, the *****
that we are forced
to shake hands with.

You and me are together
in dreams that I swear are memories.

Do you remember?

Oh suicide thoughts, my daily companion
Tell me, when did we become so close?
I swear it wasn't long ago we argued
And I told you I didn't want you in my life
And so you left for a while
But now it seems you've forgiven me for the hate I hold towards you
And you soothingly whisper, like friends do
"It's okay to give up now, you tried your best"

I quiver til I shake,
I tremble,
But won't break,
When approaching you.

My heart, I won't foresake,
You'll not know my mistake,
Although my ground will quake,
When I'm nearing you.

You see, I will retake
The joys, not my heartache,
The day I drive the stake
Deep inside of you;
And finish building the fence
To separate we two.

I lost myself today
Have you maybe seen me?
I got lost in the crowd of
who they want me to be

I lay awake in bed
Perhaps I'll start to feel
Dreams are all I have
to know that I'm still real

A spear blows through my chest
Again I start to fall
I scream for help once more
But no one hears my call

Where do I go now
that I'm behind this wall?
Everyone I trust
leaves me lost after all

The walls are closing in
My chains cut deeper still
The echoes start to scream
They go in for the ****

The voices seem to say
"The truth will set you free"
The only one to save myself
has always been me

If I could go back now
and carry what I've learned
I'd find myself again
to try and stop the hurt.

Hectic, stormy, electric,
Piercing my insides like the
shriek of the fever-bird,
Fire, fire, fire within my being,
Melting my words,
Evaporating my thoughts
Into crazy whirlwinds,
Blurring lines, haze dissolving
the boundaries between
Sanity |  Sin,
Right and wrong,
Real and fantasy,
Mixing into a song,
Feverish, mad song
That longs, so urgently longs
To belong, to eternally belong,
To you-
The sole elixir, the only remedy
For my frenzied malady.

She finally did it
She had the nerve
It came as easy as 1,2,3
For you and me.

This was her breaking point
Her time to fly high
End all this pain inside
to just call it her end.

In her manic state
Impulse hit her
She wraps the rope
Around her neck

She pulls it tight
Her tears fall
Her breathing becomes
Shallow and painful
The room starts grow dark.

Time passes
uncertainty as to how long.
What is going on?
Am I still alive?
Why is it so cold?

I'm numb.
I cant feel anything.
No pain.
No love.
Nothing.
Its...

Perfect.
After all this searching
For what is missing
I have finally found it!
I've never felt better!

Then...
I start to see a light again
and breathing becomes even more painful
and the pain starts to come back..

NO
WAIT!
I'm happy here!
I fight, I resist
I don't want to go back
I cry - more pain
I feel - more heartbreaking tears
I remember - more terrifying memories
The world growing heavier upon my shoulders again.

I'm back..
What I once thought for a brief minute or two was my new safe place, Inner-peace pain free zone was only an attempt.

Now the question that circles is
WHY did you save me?






Right before Christmas (2015) the stress built up and I "tried" to **** myself. Though i did succeed for a brief moment and it was an attempt cause my s.o. found me and brought me back to life. though i am still sitting here question why and wondering what my purpose is. Ive had a tad bit of writers block but i want to get this story out there too so this is all i can get hopefully at a later date there can be a better poem.

If anyone is struggling with depression and ever is stopping to this level I am here to talk and I encourage it all I needed that night was someone to talk to and no one was there for me prior to the moment.