“I think I love you.”
I took a chance and replaced the usual “bye, see you soon and be safe” with a risk.
“I think I love you too” he replied with the biggest grin I had ever seen, causing my stomach to tighten up with glee and butterflies. Little did I know, a year and two months later, he would break my heart- and my nose.

Abusive relationships never show themselves as abusive on day one, that realization lurks in the shadows, in the back of your mind being pushed back as far as it can go, until you can’t ignore it anymore. I never thought I would be one of those girls in one of those relationships, but then again, a lot of things had happened to me that I never thought would.

I had never been in love, my past relationships wore out their welcome and ended right when I was getting bored. I had cried over boys since the sixth grade, I had thought I had been broken, I had thought I had experienced heartbreak, but I was so wrong. Being physically and mentally broken could hurt in ways that I thought would never be able to heal.

I’d like to blame this boy for my alcoholism, my almost year long ******* addition, my constant mood swings and breakdowns. Now I’m just not sure who did this to me. Was it my brain from birth? Was it him? Was it my mom leaving me and dropping in just often enough to cause enough emotional abuse to make me think she cared? What the **** could it possibly be? This boy had become the entirety of my life and I wanted to blame him for everything. But the truth was, I had absolutely no idea why I was the way I was. Why I had ruined my life and sabotaged almost every good thing I had ever stumbled onto.

Anytime im unexpectedly happy or depressed, i ask myself this
What am i missing here?

In the evening comes the dim light, the swooping away of day,
the blue, gray clouds, the turbulent air of wild birds
small specs, black and disappearing.
After awhile only quiet,
and then a certain silence settles in
it moves like fog, alongside the moon
it comes cold, blanketing the soul
a depth of space unknown
a well of darkness, undiscovered
the losing of this day, this light
and in the long, lingering hours
dwelling in the dark caved places
touching the soul and flooding the heart
the crashing waves will come
to break one wildly apart.

There’s an offering of change
Vitamin pills and get rich schemes
Selling a better life
A shot of paradise

In a series of halogen bulbs
All the tunnels lead to Mexico
The hidden hand on demand
Working off in the shadows
Maybe they’re hiding in plain sight
Just a crazy thought that crossed my mind

Now I’m holding out for truth
Amongst the sedatives
Now everything I see
Is played out on a broken touch screen
And now the ship is sunk
Let’s get down to the bar
I need to see the sun come up
before I start to come down

Johnny was a head-case man
All the things they did to him
And when the rich men left
And when he finally slept

He’d sleep for an hour or two
In a punch-drunk afternoon
All of the chemicals
Working off in the shadows
It’s no wonder he took his life
Just a crazy thought that crossed my mind

Now I’m holding out for truth
Amongst the sedatives
Now everything I see
Is played out on a broken touch screen
And now the ship is sunk
Let’s get down to the bar
I need to see the sun
Come up before I start to come down

theres nothing like the bitter sting
of things colliding between
the days get harder
and the breaths become shorter

the sadness fills voids I've had since I was born and I cannot fathom what happiness is. I don't know how to be okay and im questioning if I ever even knew how to function. as im sitting in my bed questioning the universe's sick joke called my life, I wonder if the little things in life will ever be enough. im crashing like a car without a driver, my body is void of direction and purpose. I don't know how to breathe somedays and somedays I breathe too much I get hiccups full of regret. I look at old pictures full of addiction and empty smiles and wonder if being eight months clean means being eight months void of happiness. I wonder how long it will take for me to be okay