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 Oct 2017
traces of being
a storyteller's perspective, steppin' off the ordinary edge, into the unknown

An unsent letter lay on the rustic log cabin floor
A cold wind musta’ blown through the cracks the light comes in,
where it laid fallen, half *** crumbled, yet never a wadded ball;
never an unspoken thrown paper stone,  a befallen regret was all.
Silently atilt and leaning against the canted wall's slant
behind the gathered dust a squeaky hinged burl wood door

A timeworn tarnished copper wind up clock roosted,
an old lip smirched coffee cup time stood still;
an empty bottle of gin sat near the bed post headboard
where the ink stains and blotted spillings let the memories in.
Stained pages torn and bent like fallen paper wings
returned to the unread sender … postage due,   south a heaven sent ―

A sullied envelope, gnawed and mouse chewed,
for a nest of new beginnings ―     
                                                          just read:                   Lydia  ...  
                                ... followed by a scribbled empty heart               

The time aged brown tattered tablet paper left behind
stifled like the unread heart it holds upon the threadbare pages
of smudged tear’s ache and spilled gin

The weathered rock hearth fireplace filled with spent ashes,
hand rolled cigarette butts, traces of an aching lament;
scratched up old vinyl records lay ***** and tired out,
from a time of sweeter fallen fences, a musical bliss, and
a lost angel's abandoned red slinky party dress,  
aside a busted off black velvet high-heel stuck sullied
in a hollow knothole in the ancient barn-wood floor
a sparkly pearl pink jewel entangled in a spider web

An unsent letter lay on the rustic cabin floor
A cold wind musta’ blown through the cracks the light gets in

The final unread words silently said:

                               "We lost our way,
                                  it all went wrong,
                                  it all turned bad"

                             ..."This is the outcome when someone you love  
                                  up and throws you away"

                             ...“I’ll reach out from the inside
                                  I’ll rise up again and do without”

                             ..."You went out into the world
                                  with an untamed hankerin’ ―
                                  like a carefree restless gypsy breeze
                                                                 and come back worlds apart"


The Unsent Letter,  
                          just whispered words to the dust in the wind
                                                            ­                        in quivering ink:

                             ..."how can I ever unremember you...?
                                  a thrown stone sinks wordlessly as a rock...,
                                  an old wood bucket with a rotten hole the heart,
                                  fallen forgotten, rock bottom as an empty well"


                                        just signed:   ...   ❤  August


                          *January 1st, 2017 ... august ... wild is the wind  ♡
postscript: trying to write outside my comfort zone box
                  this storyteller's perspective, steppin' off the edge the unknown
                  i did have fun from behind the incarnation of a caricature's eyes
                  some say "it's always about the writer"...what say you(?)!
.
 Oct 2017
victoria
Don’t adore me

She let them walk beside her, but she couldn't let them in.
Not since that first one, who'd crawled under her skin.

She did give in from time to time, even let them lay by her side.
Her body wrapped around their skin but her love she had to hide.

Their attempts to adore her, made her heart grow further cold.
As she'd known from that very day, that alone she would grow old.
 Oct 2017
Jack
Dark


I can feel the empty loneliness, the dire sadness in your words
Black on white letters arranged in sorrow’s indelible font
Tear drop tense in flowing cradles of desperation
sad eyes of whys, question mark patterns
on stark gray silk, neatly pressed
offered no one in particular,
a butterfly necklace
weeping on skin
fading slowly
into the
dark
~
“I fell and my eyes could not see,
you were gone and my heart shattered”
~
dark
gloomy
skies drip
memories from
charcoal rain clouds
flooding emotions on the brink
blinding the sight of anything good
dancing on the broken stoop of splintered
dreams and broken hearts clinging barely to breath
screaming to invisible heavens and gagged reasons lost
somewhere beyond the here and there, where she does wait
 Oct 2017
nat
you saw the deepest parts
and touched parts of me i never showed

you came into my life and i made you my everything.
when you left, everything was gone

you talked about our future
how we would put a tire swing on a tree we won't have
or how you want a son named jason

i believed it for a mere minute
i had hopes

all the love letters you would slip into my bag when i was looking
meant nothing

"i saw you crying once and i thought "who would do that to someone as beautiful as her"

you ended up doing the same
don't make promises you won't keep.
n.t
 Oct 2017
mk
call me when you miss me -

you said

- call me when you miss me -

tell me
how do i tell you
that i do not miss you
i do not need you
i am happier without you

but

the comfort and the
heart of someone who
loves you
really was gold
and i miss the way
i had someone to hold
and the sound of your laugh
(the real laugh, not
the fake one you did
in public)

is sweeter than the
sound of my favorite song
and my favorite song
is always going to be
the one that sounds too good
to be true
because the last time i listened to
it
i was with you

so tell me
how do i tell you
that there's just
this longing for having
someone
who
loves you?
and it's selfish and cruel
but it would
be really nice to just
say hello
and hear the familiarity
in your voice
when everything here
is so **** foreign
and i can't speak the
language of love to them
or the language
of home.

winter break of 2016 was
the best time of my entire life
and the 9th of june
is still a wonderland in my mind
and the rest of the days
are like shattered glass and
broken minds but
it's okay sometimes because
right now
as sick as i am
as broken
as torn
it would just be nice
to say hello

- call me when you miss me -

you said

- call me when you miss me -

i don't know what that's supposed to mean
i don't know if "missing you" entails
romance part II
or starting something new
but between me and you
that's just not something i want to do
would it be too good to be true
to have someone
who didn't always feel so new
i want something old and torn
something frayed and worn
something made of the same
skin that is mine
something that
doesn't make me lose my mind
something
a lot
like
home.

- call me when you miss me -

you said

- call me when you miss me -
my body gave up faster than my heart did
I live my life in isolation
I feel the worlds devastation
I keep it all trapped inside
All my pain and anger I hide
You'll never see
the darkest Part of me
You'll see me but you won't see
The true me
I smile at the world
Even though my heart is wounded
My pain is hidden
behind my grin
You'll say its a sin
But I hold up my chin
Noone can hurt me again
There's a hole in my heart
Where everyone ripped me apart
I wouldn't know where to start
To repair a holy heart
So I will hide my pride
And slowly die
My eyes remain dry
Its too late to try
My isolation is my own devastation my soul is beyond recognition
So when you see me smile at you know that it isn't true and there's nothing you can do because there is no glue to fix the hole in my heart that humanity tore apart.
 Oct 2017
victoria
My friend who broke my heart

I told you my darkest secret
Because I trusted you
Because I loved you
You were the only friend
Who got me
understood me

Yet you threw me away
Like so many before you
There is a reason that I'm a loner
And that reason is for fear
Fear of not being good enough
Normal enough
sane enough
For people to keep around them

I never felt this fear with you
With you I felt safe
I felt good enough
I felt calm around you
I made you my best friend
Maybe that is what frightened you
And made you run away
Last week a girl I'd met in college who fast became my best friend, said she couldn't be friends with me any longer.
She told me this via email.
Her reasons were down to an old friendship 6 years ago which stopped her from getting close to anyone else.
I'm lost without her.....
My ever present
Companion
Searing me
Arcing through
My insides
Every day
A new burn
Skin graft patches
Healing
Inch by inch
Pulling me
Into myself
Hunched
Contorted
Askew
Once again
Sideways on the floor.
Cauterize me
 Oct 2017
Em or Finn
TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!
Please be cautious when reading. If you feel you'll be triggered in any way, please don't read. Thank you.


I'm done.

Done with trying too hard
Done with sleepless nights
Done with disappointment
Done with being a disappointment

Done with hearing their voices in my head
Done with seeing visions of my abuse
Done with being around people
That just don't care

I know they care
But my brain tells me they can't be trusted
They're like everyone else
I avoid "everyone else"

I'm done with my anxiety
Done with my sexuality
Done with my gender
Done with my PTSD

Done trying to pretend I'm happy
When all I've wanted to do is cry
But crying would make others uncomfortable
And doing that in the past led to peer abuse

I'm done with my brain going on tangents
Done with having a constant smile on my face
Even though it's fake
And everyone knows it is

Done with heaving after a panic attack
Done with my abusive visions becoming reality
Done with feeling nothing
Done with being anything

Done with breathing
Done with living
Because at this point
What is there to live for?
My feelings for the past couple days. Getting help and doing my best to get better. Wrote this to relieve some pressure.
 Oct 2017
bex
It smells like loneliness outside.
The smell of a hot dog on a grill after a storm,
mingled with propane and cigarettes.
The smell of solitary.

A string of “cold and broken hallelujahs”
no longer dulls the senses.
It’s senseless anyway.

I eat my brown rice in front of the sink
and I am reminded of the taste of Play-Doh.
It’s funny how loneliness creeps in on the wind,
the cars’ wheels in the rain,
the braking of the bus,
scuttling of squirrels...

Maybe a hot tea or toddy
(maybe something stronger)
will keep this autumn-ness at bay.
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