This phrase is absolutely disgusting
and it is completely crushing.

This phrase is an invasion of privacy
and it constantly gives me anxiety.  

This phrase makes me want to throw up
every time you ask a CHILD before they grow up.

This phrase shouldn't exist
don't you understand the pain it inflicts?

Just leave us alone
to live our life.
Let us live outside of the shadows
and put away that knife.

Here’s to the girl who hates repetition.
Here’s to the eyes that always wander and
Here’s to the nights where she lived on a little longer.

Here’s to the skies that bloom with ambition
Here’s to the heart that races over the word no and
Here’s to the girl who never might know.

Here’s to the gun in her head, loaded with ammunition
Here’s trigger rusted with wear
Here’s to the heart strings yet to tear.

Here’s to the broken and shattered rendition,
From hells unbidden and noise unridden
Here’s to the girl who remains hidden

Here’s to the walls lit with a fiery ignition
Here’s to the times of late night fruition
Here’s to all that ****** repetition.

Say their names, my sisters and brothers taken
They the ones society has forsaken
In life nor death given consideration
They come from around the world, every nation
Their entire lives, denied humanity
When will we see the end of insanity?
What if we cared less about their chromosomes
And welcomed them into our lives and homes?
What if, instead of showing them scorn and hate
We allowed them in life to participate?
Maybe if we said their names while still alive
Maybe if they were given a chance to thrive
Maybe if in life their value not denied
We'd not have to say their names when they have died

I can't think of you.

******* it. I'm doing it again.

Hair tinted gold when the sun would shine just right.

I see your face when Valerie plays over dull speakers in my Mother's old Toyota.

Eyes rimmed black.

Hazel and warm like pumpkin spice.

Body spray and French manicures.

Walking through rough alleyways in the dark. Back to college, back on campus. I'll never forget that night.

You've forgotten that night. It wasn't special for you.

Half a decade ago.

Unrequited girl crush.

I know, I know we were friends.

For one semester. Six months.

You were my first, Valerie.

The first person to make me question.

To make me wonder.

To make me fear.

To make me choke.

I’m gay I’m gay I’m gay I’m gay I'm gay
it kind of
spills off my tongue
when I don’t want it to
an
impulse
a
burning choke in my throat
falling out of me when I wish it would stay inside
when strangers are around
when
they really don’t need to know

it’s painted on my face
it’s written on the backs of my hands
my collarbone is burning white hot with a tell
and my eyes watering every secret of it

can they tell?
can everyone see right through me?
I’m
too scared to ask
somehow
also too scared to keep it inside

It wants out more than anything
but
she wants to be safe more than anything

You don't think I see it.
And, honestly,
I didn't recognize it at first.

I've never been on the receiving end of that look.

But, as they hook me up
With wires and sensors
For an EKG,
I can see it.

The way you look at me.

That fire in your eyes,
Always so resilient,
So passionate.
Like you could do anything
As long as you really wanted it.

But it looked like that fire,
Just now,
Was eating you alive.
The flames licking at the fragments
Of your heart.

It looked like pain.
Like loss.
Like the world is falling down all around you,
And there is nothing you can do to stop it.

I recognize that look, now.
I've seen it in my own reflection,
Staring back at me,
Venomous tears threatening to burn through my skin
If I were to let them fall.
A sandy lump in my throat,
When I finally understood.

You can love someone with every part of you,
With your whole heart.
You can love someone
Through lifetimes.
Through centuries.
You can love someone to the very end of the universe,
And back again.

But you cannot love someone's broken pieces back together.

But,
Sometimes,
When all I feel is searing pain,
I think of the pain in your eyes,
The very depth of it,
The intensity,
When you even entertain the thought of losing me.

And it suddenly occurs to me,
That you love me.
And as long as you love me,
As long as you're mine,
I'm not done here. No, not yet.

So I stand up.
I brush myself off,
And look directly into the void,
And wait for it to blink first.

I growl through gritted teeth,
****** from a split lip,
While clutching the lace hem
Of my pink sundress.
*"I am not done here. No, not yet."

Boys don't cry...
I feel so small and like I will never be who I want to be.
I feel like this body isn't mine but I am stuck in this body and it keeps crushing the little hope I have left.
It is like an iron grip in my chest choking out words I don't mean to say.
Boys don't cry...
I feel like an insignificant part compared to everyone else.
To the one's that get their Top surgery, get the Estrogen blockers, and get the Testosterone.
I feel like nothing will become of my transition to male.
I feel as if no one will care and I will be left alone.