i'm a long way from home,
life sends me afloat through time,
it disrupts the foundation of my fears,
cools down the effect of my bad decision
swirls around my achievements in celebration,
rises above problems i need not face.
I'm at peace, yet still a long way from home.

my being turns to vapour,
i can't find me
reappears upon a throne of my great deeds
i am at ease.
the past, a heap of success upon success
the future, a cotton candy ball of opportunity
its like disaster is an unproven theory,

I am nothing but embers
in the fire pit of
your heart

a Godless girl, kissing
with tongues, skin
burning at

the touch of a
weather beaten man

I fell for you, headfirst
into the abyss of desire

warmth rising from my
toes, through to my finger -
tips

inhaling the scent of you
by the lungful

my capacity is called
on, and I am a Phoenix

stunted, hatched too
soon, eternally shell -
less

What happens then,
When we finally reach that bridge
The unsteady footpath of decision 
That only one of us can cross
When our hands part
And you walk the shaky steps of commitment and truth
With a single glance backward 
Avoiding my eyes 
As I watch you walk away
Only a few steps apart
But with a lifetime of history and emotion stretching it's cavernous yawn beneath us

Do I forget you?
As you stride out, leaving of the mists of my adoration 
Should I cleanse my mind of love
Crush the butterflies that sit in my stomach
Awaiting your every word 
Do I scratch out your face from the photographs of my mind?
Remake memories 
Reforge falsified passion
Ignore the beauty in the delicate brush of wind against a sheltered forest,
The bittersweet sting of cold rain against warm skin
The rush of blood to my cheeks at a black and white image I know only you could love.
Do I embrace my senses
Turn my back
Allow us to be separate entities in a world where we were supposed to be whole

Or do I follow the solitary wake of my heart
Cross legged, silent
Patiently waiting at that edge for the moment you may return 
For the moment you realise
Life cannot go on without us
And you turn back 
To leap the chasm that keeps us apart
Wait for the flames of your outstretched arms to reignite the fire in my broken heart
For us to connect
In the unending circle of emotion and connection 
That makes us whole within ourselves 
That feeds us
Free to blossom into the multitude of colour our wistful lives have always promised 

Can I wait in vain
And let my heart forever overthrow the sensibility of the mind
Expose myself to the elements of rejection and sorrow 
For the promise of something perfect
Sublime and intangible
Can I forsake the solid ground of reality?

I already know how this will end 
When we reach that path.
My body can let you go
But my heart will never forget

Little boy,
one day when you wake up and peer outside,
I hope you see flowers screaming in color and children dancing.
Little boy,
someday when you look up the sky
I hope you don't see gray,
but bright, bright, blue.
Little boy,
I hope the loudest noise you will ever hear
is your own laughter.
Little boy,
I hope one day you look at yourself
and don't see ruins,
but buildings standing tall,
guarding the city.
Little boy,
hope.

it has been one year since my ****.
it has been one year since my ****.
it has been one year since my ****.

every day and every day after gets worse.
every day and every day I see more and more how I was not wrong.
every day and every day I see more and more how I was.

it has been one year since my ****.
it has been one year since my ****.

sometimes I see boys on the street.
sometimes my eyes linger on their faces, their lips
sometimes I picture their faces, their lips on mine
sometimes I forget that I shrink away at a man's glance
sometimes I forget that I shrink away at a man's touch

it has been one year since my ****.
It has been one year since my ****.

my friends and my darlings scream out at injustice
they scream at a man who did what another man did to me
they say he didn't serve enough jail time
my friends and my darlings don't know that the man who touched me served no jail time
my friends and my darlings do not know that he walks free
free to live, free to harm, free to not be haunted
by the things he did to me

it has been one year since my ****.
it has been one year since my ****.

at moments I want to scream it from the rooftops
at moments I want to carve it into my flesh
at moments I want everyone,  everyone to know how I was hurt and left bleeding, (figuratively and literally) and naked (literally and figuratively) in a cold basement of a boy I did not know
at moments I want to say
'I WAS HURT (figuratively and literally) AND I AM IN PAIN (literally and figuratively) AND I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HEAL'
these moments pass

it has been one year since my ****.
it has been one year since my ****.

every day and every day it gets better.
every day and every day it gets worse.
every day and every day I drag my hurt behind me like an anvil on a string
every day and every day and every day after that.

it has been one year since my ****.
it has been one year since my ****.

My heart is embarassing.
It bleeds and cries
And loves too strongly
For it's own good.

It loves as if
It has never been broken,
As if it has forgotten
The countless times
It's been left bruised
And bloodied,
Half alive.

It loves so unconditionally
That I've let myself
Be tossed to the wind
And returned to the ground
At the whims of mere memories.

It loves so pathetically
That I do all I can
To make sure my love
Does not come spilling
Out of my mouth
For onlookers to see.

I keep my passions
And my aches away from the world
So that I don't overwhelm
Everyone else
With the love that overwhelms me.

I can't just say how I feel
I can't just open my gates
Because as much as you would like to believe
That everything inside me is beautiful,
It's as ugly as anything could ever be.

I can't just let you know
How pathetically
Embarrassingly
Ridiculously
In love with you I am.

What if you don't feel the same?
That's a stupid question
I'm sorry
I know no one could ever love me
With the sadness I love them