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esther May 2017
everything looks gray under moonlight, even
my eyes, my skin
I am hollowed out with grayness
it coats the inside of my ribs like chalk dust
I am an attic
I am a cardboard box
I am an elephant graveyard.
you did not make me clean
you crawled inside me then disintegrated into
dust, to dust, to dust
to dust
esther Sep 2016
it has been one year since my ****.
it has been one year since my ****.
it has been one year since my ****.

every day and every day after gets worse.
every day and every day I see more and more how I was not wrong.
every day and every day I see more and more how I was.

it has been one year since my ****.
it has been one year since my ****.

sometimes I see boys on the street.
sometimes my eyes linger on their faces, their lips
sometimes I picture their faces, their lips on mine
sometimes I forget that I shrink away at a man's glance
sometimes I forget that I shrink away at a man's touch

it has been one year since my ****.
It has been one year since my ****.

my friends and my darlings scream out at injustice
they scream at a man who did what another man did to me
they say he didn't serve enough jail time
my friends and my darlings don't know that the man who touched me served no jail time
my friends and my darlings do not know that he walks free
free to live, free to harm, free to not be haunted
by the things he did to me

it has been one year since my ****.
it has been one year since my ****.

at moments I want to scream it from the rooftops
at moments I want to carve it into my flesh
at moments I want everyone,  everyone to know how I was hurt and left bleeding, (figuratively and literally) and naked (literally and figuratively) in a cold basement of a boy I did not know
at moments I want to say
'I WAS HURT (figuratively and literally) AND I AM IN PAIN (literally and figuratively) AND I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HEAL'
these moments pass

it has been one year since my ****.
it has been one year since my ****.

every day and every day it gets better.
every day and every day it gets worse.
every day and every day I drag my hurt behind me like an anvil on a string
every day and every day and every day after that.

it has been one year since my ****.
it has been one year since my ****.
esther Oct 2015
it was summer
june, maybe july, I'm not sure
but it was raining and we were sitting in the parking lot of my favorite bookstore
you were behind the wheel of your truck, the seat just a little leaned back and my head was in your lap and your hand was in my hair.
I had bought Ariel, you had bought Spoon River Anthology, you said you wanted to get into poetry.
and you read it to me, the gentle waves of your voice syncopating with the steady beat of rain outside, and they made a music that made my breath catch in my throat
the windows fogged
I pulled the book out of your hands and tossed it in the backseat, so I could kiss you and feel your heartbeat in my ears
you smelled like sweat and salt and sunshine, you smelled like summer
and I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you
esther Aug 2015
Y e w          S      Oo         tH
O y     E        GR                A
U e                                    tDay
R s       R        Een
        E
esther Jul 2015
they said summer would be better
they said they said they said they said
in spring i was born again, just like
they said they said they said they said
I thought after winter I would never feel again, but
his hands and his tongue,
his lips
oh my.
don't let me go, let me rest in your lap
for eternity.
let me hold your cheeks to my heart and be alive.
I love you, I think
I'm not sure
but you may,
you may save me yet
esther Apr 2015
I am just a little creature
made of bone as black as blood
I sit inside the sunshine's shadow
my flesh a rotten heap of mud
I pick apart the thoughts of others,
the thoughts of friends,
the thoughts of mothers,
I weave them in a little quilt
of screaming pain in brilliant colors
I am just little ghost
my words are weak,
my mind is lost
I pitter-patter through the hall,
my stocking feet are fat and dull
you'll see me here, though I hide well
crawling through my little hell
and if you smile, then I won't see
I'm busy with destroying me
esther Jan 2015
All I wanted was to see the bears
They're stuck behind glass, we're
stuck behind glass

I fill my empty chest
With the smoke of a cigarette
Let it wither my crooked heart

Name me after the cliffs
We're both made of stone
We face the devil alone

So if you find me
At the bottom of the sea
And my lungs are filled with water
Know that you didn't have to love me
And I'm sorry
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