Your body is a map and I have red pins in my heart
Who said distance is easy?
When I cry rivers that I can't sail into your arms, my brain turns into a multifunctional machine to develop new ways of feeling less empty when I only hear your voice through my headphones.

I think to myself, has this got no end?

I only long for your sweet smile coming across me not separated by a screen and thousands of miles
I only long for your arms as you cradle me, I as a small bird looking for warmth and peace
I only long for what I already have but cannot seem to reach, like a vision, or a dream

You are the bright stain that overlooks all the other dark parts in me
Nature would bow in glory to how beautiful your soul is
You are as far away as wishes upon a star and I am as hallow as the ones that fall
I cannot contain the dreadful silence and the loneliness that comes after your voice is gone and I am left to face the world alone

Tell me, has this got no end?

Bruises around my heart that long to be cured by your hands are turning into a masterpiece
What do you call it when you miss someone so much it hurts to remember their scent?
What do you call it when you crave something you've never had to begin with?
How can love be so painful yet so wonderful?
I wonder if in years I will be smiling in your arms, kissing your beautiful lips or crying on my bathroom floor holding one of the only physical evidence that you once indeed existed

Are you only in my head?

He sometimes comes up in your stories too.
Fondly I think of him, but would he remember?
I certainly still do.
You act like he no longer exist.
I know better than that tall tale.
The one of you and him,
No longer seeing one another. There,
Among other things, is one pain.
The pain of the truth, and memories made.

I often blamed myself for tragedy.
You said not to worry.
But you also said he doesn't matter,
And that there is no hurry
To see the new.
You know, what that told me?
You weren't ready for rude,
Awkward battle between you and him.
You said you were, of course,
However, that's never how things end.

I have hope for the two of you yet.
It's said that you hate him.
You did drop a few threats,
One on me, in the beginning.
For that I don't know why.
Nonetheless, I also thank you even if someone else is winning.

I sit here,

            cat on my lap,

            an evergreen forest in my lungs

                                    and silver fish in my heart.



Your blue eyes are beneath these typewriter keys,

                                    behind every sheet of paper.



“I will always find you,” you whispered as our stars ripped apart.





And you did,



                        on a May night warm with sangria and bonfire:

                                    we made eye contact

                                    and our souls crashed



                                    into each other



                                    like wave against wave,



                                    starlight against starlight.

One. Realize your heart has been broken
Take responsibility for the ***** inside of you
And how it's job of pumping blood into your lungs has gotten harder
It's okay to forget how to breathe as long as you're learning new things
Two. Learn new things
Pick up a book and read it to the very end
When you don’t feel like going to class, go anyways
Do not let the fatigue and agony keep you from gaining other important things
Three. Get very drunk
I know we are supposed to worry about getting stronger
But no one starts at the top of the ladder
Waiting in line is the world's most popular past time
Get sloppy and wild, let your inner goddess guide your heavily intoxicated nature
Forget their name right before you forget your own
Let someone else relinquish their fingerprints all over your frame
Cover up the old paint with new wallpaper
It's okay to remember all the things you once never thought to consider
Four. Write.
Write and then write some more
And even if all of it sounds the same do not fret
Because sometimes there are only so many ways to describe being defeated
Having the fire within you go out to its core
Let the smoke coming from your throat gain purpose by putting it on paper
Five. Make blueprints.
You cannot build something from scratch without planning ahead
You will probably not remember much of your life before them
So start a new, rebuild old friendships, revive old hobbies
The possibilities are endless with a blank sheet of paper
Accept your new reality without resentment.
Six. Start anew.
Fall out of love with them
With every gentle touch mimicking a lullaby putting you to sleep in their arms
Forget the laugh that filled every molecule of oxygen you ever breathed
Forget the weight of passion
Kiss as many people as you need to get the stamp of their lips off your brain
Seven. There is no way to manage heart break
It is consuming and clingy
It locks you up inside of its prison and you swear this will be a life sentence but don't let it
Heartbreak is not about trying to convince yourself that you don't miss it
It's about limiting the amount of things you would do to get it back
On some days you swear you would jump off of a building
And on others you wouldn't even take off your nail polish
It's not that this is supposed to be easy, it is only testing your endurance
Realize that you are in prison
And learn how to pick the lock

most times he just turns us loose to
discover or **** up
by ourself

But in an instant he guides us
to understand
the depth

Of the existence plays a psalm
for us to
remember

Or a miracle for us to
recall how
this world

is all a game meant
to be taken
one day

at a time

I've tried to record
The way your name falls out of my mouth
When I drop glass onto the floor
Like my mothers list of forbidden words
In spreadsheets
Counting with fingers and letters
Every time I pass a red pushpin in a map
Of where you told me
"You're so young and immature"
Like a compliment traced with
Sobriety and melatonin
I've picked up pencils
That end up in pieces
After scrawling your dialogues
Onto "it's your own fault" paper
I've scrubbed myself raw
With people who wont
Look me in the eyes anymore
With your goodbye words
With the flashbacks of
Your hands manifesting
The uncharted areas
Of my brittle hips
How my ****** syllables were
Dinner party jokes
There's nothing that can hurt
A god of power
And business suits
Someone who's never told no
Holds a child
In a way that erases the thought of comfort
And now
I lack the maturity to refuse requests
And you tell me
I'd make a good corpse
At a funeral catered towards
Twenty-nine year old men
Who never learned the difference
Between property and personality
And my promises
Tighten around my throat
Gratefully
Like your hands
Fostering the
Aurora Borealis of love
In a way that
Makes me choke on
The things you've shown me
The things you've ruined for me
The words I will never get back
And I sit
With you surrounding me
In and out of every crevice of my body
You've claimed for yourself
Helpless
And defeated
Like a child
Just how you like me

It's been a long time
since I had a good cry,
even longer since I let my heart sing.

When was the last time that I found something
that was "to die for", just for it to die.
When was the last time I had a righteous cry.

I  ought to,  I've got to drive on out of here.
Use the charge card, rent a car. Take a day trip,
perhaps a week. Maybe go for broke and drive on out
to the other coast.

If only I could give as much as I get, wouldn't love flow free, make it practically, a good bet.      This wearing my heart on the cuff of my sleeve,
it's got to the point where I can barely breathe.. Something was taken,
when I was young. And repeatedly stolen, and repeatedly I got stung.
I could never give it away, and I can't, to this day.
No I can't any more, yes,  it was taken so long before.

So I kiss those goals and I send them along,
I set them free, I don't hold on too long, it leaves me feeling
that I'm good and strong. As strong as I can be.



Listen close I tell myself, If you don't want to ride the roller coaster
put your hands in your pockets and don't pay the price.
remember *you can't pull strings when your hands are tied,
and you can't feel too good when you're poisoned inside.

The stars are but specks in bits of space, my lids are heavy
from this weary living. I feel the devil has put his bid in place,
On his part, there are no misgivings.

I came to this place of my own volition, to get loose of this crawlspace
is my only mission. Then you'll hear a chorus of me, a churning of mercury burning, I let a moment of time, a bit of space, leave me old and well worn down

your hair 

after you cut it

your crooked teeth

your 

cockiness

dislike 

of scratching

and 

reluctance to bite,

that you're a coward

and
emotionally 

closed; that 

yousmoked

all 

my cigarettes,


your inability to text 

or

introduce me to yourfriends,


that you always wore the sameclothes 

and looked odd
in suits

didn't believe inGodorlove
believe
 that I was smart,

that 
you broke

my ******* 
heart.

you held me like catastrophe. afraid to let your arms fall away from my chest.
i held you like i knew what i was doing.

i will sing you the saddest song you’ve ever heard and you can smile softly through tears, reveling in your love for a sad girl.
i am a tragedy. a melodrama.
but we are acoustic devendra banhart songs at dusk. the sweet orange wind softly brushing against your windows//against our cheeks.

borrowed lipstick kisses flower at the roots of your legs. i bloom between the spaces of your sighs and whisper to each curve of your mouth.
i can write a love letter to each breath you take.

i know you want me vigorous. i know you love me insatiable. and i want you like i know what i’m doing. i want you like i’m much older and wiser. i want you like i’m not a quick kid.

your drinks are always too bitter. you say you fell in love with me for my smoke and flowers.