We want to be remembered;

is that not why we fold
pieces of gum into
the neat
underbellies of tables,
stomp up silent stairs, slam
arrogant doors,
push back
nonchalant chairs?

And is that not why we bury half finished
cigarettes,
stained from lips and ashed
from the careless shakes of wrists?

Or throw empty bottles
as far as our arms allow
- so the satisfying clinks can reassure us
of those other things
as broken as our lives (and sometimes
hearts)

We're afraid to be forgotten;

for what i am
what
i was,

for everything that
i could
have been

and everything
i will now
just
have to be
without you.

i watched the breakfast club for the first time
today. it struck me as  so  real  so  honest  so
raw     except that allison said      ‘when you
grow up your heart dies’ and i thought,   no
you       just     get better   at hiding it.

(but
in case you want to know: 


we were at your house, 

by the green trees, 


I made you wash your hands
in the river, 


and you waved them 

and I laughed


and you said: 'Say it, 

say it, 

say I'm dork.' - 


and I wanted instead
to say:
I
love
you.)

I see photos
of you
with a beard
(but no necklace)
and realise
that you won’t have to
shave it off
this year
and I
won’t be there.

your hair 

after you cut it

your crooked teeth

your 

cockiness

dislike 

of scratching

and 

reluctance to bite,

that you're a coward

and
emotionally 

closed; that 

yousmoked

all 

my cigarettes,


your inability to text 

or

introduce me to yourfriends,


that you always wore the sameclothes 

and looked odd
in suits

didn't believe inGodorlove
believe
 that I was smart,

that 
you broke

my ******* 
heart.

Fig.1.  It was 5 days - 4 days? - but I can't forget it.
           (By a road, brown buildings in the back, the filter is green - you    
            said you didn't know why. Half-smiles.)

Fig.2. Do you remember that you sent me this? Twice.
           (Same place, I kiss your cheek, you pull a sad face, a man walks by  
            in the background.)

Fig.3. God, that stupid headband.
           (Repeat again. Faces pressed, I smile big, you smile up, my hand is
            on your shoulder.)

Fig.4.  You said "The dots make it look arty." but that wasn't why I kept it.
           (Art gallery, two shots.)
           (At the bottom it says - I know that I will miss you.)
           (Nowhere it says - I will keep this because you will forgot to.)