Poems for a heart that hurts..

Feb 2018

trf

MY build to suit mind is designed for disappointing,
a warehouse space of dim lights, taunted by an l.e.d. retrofit,
TREPIDATIOUS, unable to sign my life's lease to own,
YEARS spoiled like produce, a dumpster gratefully digests.
I was 7, a little league southpaw, my arm, accurate on the mound.
PRACTICE of carelessly skipping stones over invulnerable ponds.
that day, the equation was misaligned, numbers squared roots and
CAUSED the answer to spawn seismic ripples of infinite affects.
it was the split second that was carelessly skipped and
THIS boy's vulnerable retina, the invulnerable pond.
although I was the expert marksman, I begged William not to Tell,
SO he blindly obliged my apple-shot withdraw request,
NOW spoiled produce my dumpster won't gratefully digest.
WHAT i regret most is not saying, William. Tell.

my trepidatious years I practice caused this so now what

#william #tell #the #expert #marksman #of #apple #shots

Feb 2018

meliza

for the last time

today, i say hello to you
only to say goodbye;
i'll find comfort in your presence
today for the last time.

you used to be my safe haven
my peace, my tranquility
but things are simply meant to end
and it's our time now, maybe.

with the peace we had hand in hand
came the anxiety in my heart
because even back then somehow i knew
that we would fall apart.

and maybe it's time to find comfort
in something that isn't you
because although you were the best for me,
i'll never be good for you.

so today, my love, i say goodbye,
the most bittersweet of words,
as for my mind now walks away,
my heart remains yours, undeterred.

me and writing

Feb 2018

meliza

dear mom

hey mom, lately I haven't been okay
don't you see as you look me in the eye everyday?
the circles under my eyes are a little too deep
although nowadays all that I do is sleep

mom, last month, someone at school tried suicide
downing a bottle of paracetamol as he cried
I wanted to tell you about him, 'cause now he's dead,
but I remembered some of the things that you said

when the other day you were at the drug store
you heard someone overdosed on paracetamol
you laughed then you said, "why hold back at all?
why not drink poison? that'll work for sure!"

mom, I looked it up, it only takes fifteen tablets
fifteen of paracetamol and it'll send me straight to a casket
mom, what if I were that overdosing teen?
if I take only fourteen, would you tell me the same thing?

mom, I've been starving myself - I hardly eat
I don't know how I'm still managing on my feet
that's fine anyway, you told me I should go on a diet
so go on and tell me that I'm fat, I'll just keep quiet

hey mom, my arms are lined up with slits
but you're worried about if my clothes still fit
so I'll keep my mouth shut, I won't make things bigger
maybe if I tell my friends I'll feel a little better

mom, everyone keeps telling me I'm depressed
that I've got all these emotions inside me supressed
I only listen to you, mom, and I ignore the rest
after all, doesn't the saying go "mother knows best"?

mom, if I wanted to die, what would you do?
'cause if I tell you, I feel like you'd just say, "me, too!"
don't worry, mom, if I'm suddenly gone one day
I've learned to hate myself because of you anyway

mom, everyday is becoming a little too tough
I'm just holding on 'til I can cut deep enough
maybe it would be a nice surprise for me and you
if killing myself is something I finally do.

#suicide #selfharm #depression #letter

Feb 2018

Book Thief

The Poised Dream

She rises and falls like a reposed breath
before an entire world's visage
in her encircled arms.
The incandescent glow of the stage
has an intoxicating quality to it,
the music being
something liquid, viscous.

As notes thrum in tender and soothing caresses,
her legs supple, twirl like petals
cascading under the weight of raindrops,
giving way to a lush surrender
steeped in a language of love and need.
Her very fire
and impassioned soulfulness
lifts her up above the crowd itself,
burning for all to see.

In this moment now
her timelessness enraptures me.
Another part of myself awakens to her grace
and renders me
gratefully whole.
A sense of euphoria slow dances its way
from her being to mine,
consuming every piece of my body
in a fiery bloom—
charging me with
a crackling, electrifying force
unlike my mere own.

I can see now
that this is what she was born to do—
to be on pointe, seeing everything.
Any instances of worldly fear
is left to the dying.
The rhythms of her old pains,
tribulations of past destructions,
are now buried beneath her feet.
And her radiant smile while she dances
still speaks to me gently—
that to be free
is to be wonderfully lost
in her waltz with destiny.

© BT

I'm finally back!! :) The past two months have been crazy hectic with a lot of work, so I apologise for the long hiatus. Here's a longer piece for you to enjoy. As always, thank you for reading dear friends! BT x

#dream #dance #waltz #stage #life #love #smile #fulfillment #joy

Feb 2018

trf

*****

temptations wear me,
frothed cloth and feathered clinch,
hallow helium exhaling smoke rings,
glass ripe with flames.

*****, *******, rescue me,
powder and fog, won't you let me see.

cut the line,
don't sweat the shirt,
this great escape,
for what it's worth,
memories,
lost to dirt,
hear these pleas,
fear my hurt.

*****, *******, rescue me,
powder and fog, won't you let me see.

with a draw i write,
forget my body,
forfeit my mind,
bring it back around,
to cul-de-sac town,
alarms wake my dreams,
i'm lost and found.

try askin the dark where the light comes from

Feb 2018

Kevin Eli

World of Night

Dragging sheets over head during the dark of night
Slipping away, crawling into the mind's cave
Sequentially tumbling into the dark chasm
Million-mile, feathery fall through a grey abandon

Upon landing scenes start with a glowing sky
Swirled in blue, red, purple, yellow and black
Somehow familiar, I'm sad but never scared nor cry
A house sits empty, tall and alone
Upon a hill where an empty tree decays
Tended, yet desecrated and dry
Don't go inside... Don't go inside.... No, not alone
Deep wells awash with ghosts and faceless ghouls
Shells of scenes you never want to see
My nightmares and wanton dreams

The wind slides thick across the terrain with an audible scream
Down the hill is a black frothing stream
Surrounded by naked women and wild men,
****** and killing, each other over and over again
Familiar faces start to stare as I pass the heathen fire and fare
Glowing insects lounge like lanterns, witnessing their share
Sudden cold hand grabs me, trying to force me to participate
But closed eyes make no contact; I thrash with teeth bared,
Clinging with dried torn hands and lost hair
The black stream saves me by dragging me under
Until I slowly disappear

A cave with a pool reveals the next stanza
Wooden dry dock and blue water give a purple glow
A girl sits there with a boy, his shadow on the wall is a crow
Cawing, he has a voice that I understand and know
She, a snake body that sheds and rapidly grows
The couple melts and I suddenly slow down, down, down...
Deeper this continues to go

I wake up in a bed, but it's not my room
White lights above and dark faces ahead encircle me
Trying to inject me with my doom
I beg and scream
"This isn't my intent, this wasn't my desire!"
But it's all my fault the past was doomed
Thrown punches and scrambling for a door
I find the walls fall and the lights glimmer no more
The floor sympathizes and surrenders
Sees the pain and turns to a warm pool
Dazed, I float on to the morning's shore

Endless nights of fantasy and hedonist to the core
I'll be thrown from the night into fantasy once more
Don't envy me or the source of my quill's tone
I hide all the monsters under my pillow

I run like the rabbit during the day and run like the devil during the night.

Feb 2018

Anya

Two Years

Two years
Two ******* years
They always told me to stay away from liars and people who hide the truth
But I never thought I’d have to stay away from you

You were so much more than what you think
You shut out the good moments and remember the bad
Clinging to the times when everything went wrong
It’s backwards but it was all you thought you had

You blame amnesia and the doctors who ******* up
You blame the parents who didn’t watch you grow up
The ones who didn’t love your flaws
And the people who did you wrong

But now two ******* years
They gave you two ******* years
And yeah it’s not my business to know
But when you said “best friends” I thought you’d grown
Learned to trust at least some people
Learned to confront your problems and find comfort in others
I was wrong

You confide in yourself and give up on life
“**** the world”, you say with no care for anything
You drink away the pain then feel the burning ache in your throat
Running miles until your heart stops and the world goes black
Always saying “if I cut them off they won’t feel the pain when I’m gone”

You’ve been there
You’ve felt that pain of losing someone you love
So maybe you’re trying to protect us-protect me
But maybe you’re being selfish and can’t see
Just how much you mean and who you could be

Two ******* years
They go by in a flash
You’re thinking of the people you’ve left
And you’re wishing you had someone to share in your death
You’re all alone and the worlds gone cold
Because you turned everyone down and pushed us away
Made everything die and fade to grey

I mean, thank god for your sister, right?
Because she knows what’s going and couldn’t give any less *****
I guess she’s like you after all
Faking a smile and pretending everything’s okay
Even though when she gets home she can’t hide the pain

Maybe you’re hoping someone will write you a memoir
You had so many admirers anyhow
People who loved you and you couldn’t see
People who would give up the world to be successful by your side
But two ******* years means that won’t happen
Not that you would have liked that anyway

But who cares, right?
You never wanted love, compassion
So why should anyone care?
Why should anyone give a **** that you're breathing your last breath?

It’s *******
The idea that no one should
That you should leave this world feeling alone
That two ******* years from now you’re supposed to be gone
Complete and absolute *******

You’re hoping no one cares
Hoping you can disappear
And not see anyone’s tears
But two ******* years will pass
And you’ll hear the cries from the ones who couldn’t last
The whole way

its amazing how majority of my poetry is based on our friendship and the story of your life rather than my experiences.

Feb 2018

stefania rivoltini

I get it

I get it
I believed
I thought
I suffered
for you
for us
for me
for my inability
to love you
again and again
I get it
that is not so
I
I am not inadequate
you
you do not love me
you
you want to possess me
your pride speaks
your cowardice
holds me to you
your selfishness
hidden by  layers
of mellifluous sensitivity
hits me
you
you want to hurt me
you do not even notice
what you say
you do not see
the bleeding gashes
you  keep leaving
on my skin
you do not feel
swollen and distorted scars
on my mind
on my heart
pains
you've inflicted to me
with your silences
with your absences
with your looks
with your words
empty and useless
and false
drawn with black ink
as the planned route
on a cold map
you see my pain
you see my insecurities
you see my guilt
and you walk to your way
heedless
you do not care
it’s been all about you
fake victim of the world
hidden
by a mask of dignity
papier-mâché made
glued with slime
script writing
for an ignorant audience
vacant and bigots faces
you speak
you do
you look
lies!
they’re all lies
black like  pitch
you pretend
you mislead
you are sneaky
with me
against me
I believed
I thought
I suffered
for you
for us
for me
for my inability
to love you
again and again
but I
I loved you
I fought
I gave
I kept quiet
I waited
gestures and words
that never arrived
I was
I was there
you could just have
to see me next to you
you've grown
our most beautiful rose
now
it is buried among the thorns
dry and withered
its scent
is consumed
in waiting wind
a persistent
moldy smell
into our  nostrils
I was alone
the only color
in a gray landscape
holding a watering can
without water
the fire has gone
no embers under the ashes
I get it
I am not bad
I am not inadequate
I am not inept
I'm not nonentity
I am
I must
I exist

now I Know ... who I am

#love #pain #inept #brokenheart #renaissance

Feb 2018

Rebel Heart

My Own Shadow

I've become nothing more than a shadow
Living in my own darkness
For I am not who I used to be
I am not as great as I once was.

I peaked some years ago
Suddenly my bright future
Became a desolate path
Leading to more loneliness
And a constant burden
Reminding me of what I could've had.

No this isn't a hurdle
I've reached a dead end.
A roadblock in my life
Which I'll never be able to overcome.
Everything was looking up
But it all came crashing down
...
The brightest of colors
Now I'm a dull grey
With no life to live
With no words left to say
...
With nowhere else to go
No one else to be
Because I have become nothing
And nothingness *became me

You are not nothing unless you choose to be...

#nothing #life #everything #depression #broken #break #grey #crash #down #words