I need to leave.
The dust and wild air need to enter my lungs
I need the taste of freedom to touch the tip of my tongue.
I need freedom to run his finger tips down my thighs,
kiss me over and over,
make me sigh.
I need your past to be left there and I need her ghost to stop following you everywhere, I need you to stop swallowing it up and giving me that blank stare.
The blood in my veins and the flesh covering my bones will never be the same as the last place you really called home.
I hope she finds her way back to you, I really do,
I don't want to see you suffer anymore and I don't want to go down with you too.
I know you love her more than me and I know I'm incomplete.
But believe me when I say this isn't how I will be.

I'm just some wannabe eighteen year old who's been taught a lot just by making moans,
those who taught me made me swear by a secret oath.
I lost the real me underneath a tree in the cool October air, I lost my integrity and it's probably buried in one of the graves there
I refuse to dig it back up, it was too weak to stay, I've been building a new one since that last day.

You taught me that people never really get over their first loves
maybe that's why I'm always so drunk. I used to drink coffee every hour but I traded it for a something a lot more stout, something everyone else sees me swallow and then sends their condolences and doubt.
The poison makes more sense than reality and the unforced fists,
the poison creates more forget,
and no matter what I know romance doesn't exist
.
I know I'm a *****, I never said I was kind,
to all of the people who are shocked, I don't understand why you're so blind. All I am is ink and paper,
nicotine and liquor,
a buzz mistaken for love,
a child that left everyone completely and utterly ******.

People over fantasize being next to a person in a bed at 3 a.m.
they see it as some sort of grand gesture of love,
when the reality is that during those hours you can finally feel the distance and the realization of how nobody ever truly gives a ****.
Nobody knows anyone. Ever.
Your parents, your friends, your gas station clerks, Walmart greeters, cousins, brothers and sisters.
You're just a face and that's all you'll ever be,
you're nothing more than God and nothing less than me.
It hurts to die, nobody knows what happens after that grand little exit,
but it hurts worse to live with all of these bad habits.
I don't believe everyone knows sin the way I do. So many different lips have found their way down my body after 10 o'clock at night, but the first time I felt yours on my lips, everything felt right. But I'm scared that I could be wrong, and I'm even more scared that I could be right.
The girl who spent every night with a different boy now has one that she truly wants to be with for the rest of her life.
I keep trying to run and I keep trying to hide, because it's scary to be me when the most prominent word in my vocabulary is goodbye.
Baby believe me, I love you more than any cliches about the moon and the sea, I love you more than any pill, cigarettes, or cheap whiskey. I love you with the fire in my chest and all of the holes where it makes it's ruby red nest. I know this is all so far fetched and unfair to you, but I'm still scared that I'm nothing more than a body to **** in attempt to fill in the holes within you.

I hope that your love is more than just a phrase,
I know I'm only eighteen but I feel much older than my age.
I hope your love wants to stick around until my ******* angst completely leaves, I hope it want to follow me through the years and spend the rest of its life with me.
I know I'm young and wild and also far too naive.
I know for a fact that you're so far beyond me.
I know I can sound vacant and immature.
I know I **** up and go crazy and make everything obscure.
I know I can't see clearly and more or less run from everything that's not alcohol or drugs.
Sometimes all I want is to get drunk off your love, but most of the time I'm just left with a buzz.
Your thoughts are bigger than anything anyone can comprehend, your existence is the best thing I've witnessed since time began.
Your skin against mine feels the same way the first bite Eve took out of the apple must have been so ripe and raw with taste.
I fear I'll be left out as waste.
I know your love has just as much fear as mine, and I'm sorry you have to witness my deepest sins being sung lullabies.

Crown made out of needles
Noose made out of love
Emptiness more holy than addiction
Liquid static that leaves a broken buzz
Flowers growing through cracks on the windows
Air more bitter than your goodbye
Smoke floating through the air
Mid summer, humid July
Blood highlighting your cheekbones
My body was made out of stone
You see yourself as humble, but there's nothing inside your body but bones

Ripping the sheets in a fit of rage
Locked inside of your flooded cage
Praying for a drought but the only thing in my life for fourteen days was rain

Scowls from across the city
Hugs in attempt to defeat the bitter
He hit her
It still grips her, still collapses her, it makes her so ******* bitter
Take another sip and make fists
Give her another kiss
Another bit of flesh

Sleeping with your self pity, staining your pillows with every little thing that went wrong
Singing lullabies to open flesh before the sun even set while they begged you to come home
I watched you **** yourself in the basement, I watched through the cellar door, I watched you remove everything you had left, I watched you and it taught me to hate myself even more
Defiling everything that was left, everything you look back and wish you would have kept, but you're bereft of everything and theft is your favorite daughter
He still keeps your lies in his pocket, your favorite son is long gone,
we don't believe in forgiveness here, if there's a hell you don't even deserve to be there and your lover will take you there, with arsenic soaking her hair
The flies swarm your chest, the maggots fill her womb, you're breeding and breeding and creating nothing but flesh destined for doom

I feel it in my blood
Something misunderstood
Differentiating my existence and anxious fits
Compelling my dark blue mind and everything I hide behind
Impale me on your absorbing pathological mind state
Resurrect me on your inexplicable time frame
Redirect me to something a little less insane
Find me tucked beneath the darkest parts of your membrane
I can't feel, therefore I'll never heal
I'm stuck somewhere that shows how I can't even remember what brought me to kneel
Absence and existence, abolition to everything that they made me sick with
Doubt
Discovery
Disregard to you
Self absorption through me
Writing these ******* fallacies and blood on the wall
I never fell, just remembered how you taught me the worst things I recap
You were too aware to fall
Too complacent to install yourself into all that I lost
I got so lost
I was never completely found
Nothing makes sense because I'm so far behind
So far behind the time frame you created and the time frame that is so tame
Everything that makes you complain
Moan a little more, baby boy, your tears don't sound like pleasure
You make my pleasure sound like pain
Keep on throwing up word ***** about how I'm so insane
Keep unbuttoning her blouse with the thought of my name

I will write these words with all that I have, and I will beg for your sake and not mine to be let down time and time again, to fall forty feet and hit the concrete until it's dyed red. I am not a delicate human, I am not someone who can sit still, I will fill my lungs and body with fire and desire, I will **** the good to spite the bad and beg the good to come back,
baby come back.

I don't want to be like the one I hate, I don't want to hurt everything in the way of me, I don't want to be a selfish broken thing, I don't want to be this, but I am scared, and very few care to hear that because I've said it for years, and I know how exhausting it must be to try to heal me.
But I never ******* asked for your attempts.
It's exhausting to see the sun and acknowledge it's presence, how you wish it could make you feel. It's exhausting to feel your chest close off and your lungs collapse for minutes at a time because something isn't going right, it's exhausting to refuse love and induce yourself into a numb coma of emptiness and lies and black voids for words. Everything I say means nothing, for I am empty, I am empty until I get stung. I get stung and I am scared.
I am scared to feel, I am scared to love.
I am so ******* scared to love anyone.
I am scared to be left.
I am just scared.
I am so scared and it is nauseating.

I **** up,
I make mistakes,
I am unreeling and I am learning
and I am young
and I am exploding
and trying and wanting
and I am also so haunted.
I don't know how to fight off my demons unless it evolves unspeakable things, but I sure as hell know how to summon them too constantly, I sure as hell know how to play with them and make them love me, I know how to manipulate them to where they don't want to leave.
I'm scared they never will.

I don't want to be saved,
I want to drown, I want to fall, I want to escape.
I want to be resurrected by your hate.
I want to be love in a really ugly place.
I don't need this. I never did.
I am sorry for being this way but love,

I'm not sorry for being me.

I'm an empty room with no paint on the walls
Filled with broken hopes and empty thoughts
The wood is caving in and people come through to see and touch
As soon as they linger too long they realize the empty room upsets them too much
They hear ventriloquists song, the wood carving words as silent nursery rhymes and shallow one verses lullabies
The windows are broken and the wind waltzes in, it towers under the floorboards and swallows the bad parts in
Schizophrenic slumber parties with sandman and death, fascist following of whoever is next
The vines slither in, deceivingly vile, stealing all the smiles and sorrowful trials of the men in their nightgowns and high heels so tall, everything started to grow so small
The table outside the door has a bottle of the last person to exits drug of choice, it makes it worth the while

You've got to promise not to click on me
It's not high it's empathy
I don't know what you're trying to tell me
Abstract faces on the wall
Sagittarius
Rainbow
Fall
Salty sun
*** on the moon
Lost in the covers
Whisper about how you'll b be gone soon
Disturb the noise
Silence the sound
**** her brains out until you can't figure it out
Eyeball doorknobs
Debase her

Keep a carbon copy of all of my deepest secrets,
I've come to understand that my feelings are meaningless.
Empty porch swings and lost engagement rings,
behind closed doors people can be anything
She broke your heart and she broke my smile
Tooth decay and sad denial.

Your noose is in my closet next to my Sunday's best
This house and my chest are just one huge mess.
I don't know what they made of it,
what they thought or what they think
But at least now they're all happy due to the separation of everything.

If the clouds collapsed to the ground and turned into nothing but dust,
would the love that you make in them be anything more than lust

Cross my fingers.
Close my eyes.
Clean off my wrists.
I don't remember how to cry.