God,
I know you see me,
I'm in love
with the monster I hate.

I know you see me,
as I beg and beg,
for you to give
my heart a break.

something i've been urgently needing for years.
i know you told me you wouldn't talk me if i did this.
through the millions of thoughts racing through my head, you were the only thought i could focus on.
i want to apologize but i know i'll never be forgiven.
so i hold all this up so i don't let you down.
i keep it in so you don't go out.

In a world of light,
In a world of color,
These things were once mine,
Just have to have them stolen.
And now there is only darkness around me.

So I grow scared,
of the world around me.
I don’t know who i am
Or where i’m going,
But I grow used to the darkness around me.

I become terrified of the light.
And I’m terrified of the color.
Please take these things from me.
I only want darkness around me.

i'm always taken back to that day in November, when i was sitting in a car and it was raining and my friend kept exclaiming that this was paradise and asked if i agreed.

i couldn't agree.
the only paradise i knew was you.

i'll always remember that cold day and cold month as the last point in time where we were truly happy.
where i still got to hear every beautiful "hello" and every dreadful "goodbye."
where i still woke up to you and your voice was the soundtrack to my life.

little did i know,
on that day,
the soundtrack had ended.

life is such a strange and interesting concept.
you do and say an abundant amount of things in a day,
you meet so many similar yet dissimilar people,
and boom.
they're all gone.
and you're merely left with a memory.

how distressing it can be when you are out there,
smiling, laughing, enjoying every splendor detail of this world
when you realize,
that it doesn't even feel real.
it doesn't feel right.

and you begin to feel like you don't deserve this.
that your body doesn't deserve to feel the radiating sunshine,
that your mind doesn't deserve to feel understood,
that you don't deserve to feel truly blessed.

when you do.

i feel like us humans have this comfort zone,
we spend 99 percent of the time chained
to mental illness and anguished feelings
that once we feel euphoric moments
falling into the palm of our hands,
it doesn't feel real.
it doesn't feel right.

us humans need to learn that
the days are rapidly passing us by,
and the minutes aren't stopping for any of us.
we need to value the moments that are brought to us
and not interrogate them or our existence
because overall,
life is such a strange and interesting concept.  
you do and say an abundant amount of things in a day,
you meet so many similar yet dissimilar people,
and boom.
they're all gone.
and you're merely left with a memory.

ever since you left,
the world has been dimmed down.
the grass isn't as green,
the sun isn't as bright.
it's hard to find a light source
when the light of your life
has gone out.

I was on my way to the town over.
Warm sunshine flooded in through every window,
palm trees were lined up in their correct order,
and the bluest California sky imaginable was right above me.
At every stop,
I heard the cars pass by me.
They remind me of you leaving.

I can still recall each individual crack my heart had that day.
How much it broke,
and at exactly what times.
I can still recall the song playing on the radio,
I listen to it all the time.
It brings me back to our last day.
When I still had you,
even though I lost you.

I hope my heart can forgive me for the cruel despair I've caused.
No other feeling can compare to how it felt when you left.
Nothing has been right ever since.

Follow the map engraved on your hand.
You're crazy to think alone is where I'll let you stand.
Every single path leads to your unforgettable heart.
It's hard,
but you know just where to start.
The stars will guide you back to safety.
Your life is so fragile,
so you act like a baby.
Your wounds are all over
but that's okay.
Every single path will lead you
onto an unforgettable way.

it's a long, strange road
that links present me and past me together.
if i had to describe autumn in one word,
it would be painful.
lovely, yet painful memories that i miss the most are the same ones i push farthest away from me.
so i always tell myself i wont get thrown off by autumn this year,
but i always end up basking in all
its nostalgic glory.

it was the last moments in time before you ignored me for a week straight.
the last moments in time before anxious hours arose of me waiting for your call to light up my phone,
just so i could ignore it.
the last moments in time before i finally decided to give up trying to fix something that was completely and unapologetically broken.
and the very last moments in time
we were ever truly happy.
i will remember these moments forever.

my heart gave up.
it gave up on trying to continue to force itself to beat throughout every torturous day.
it gave up on trying to fight against every cut heartbreak kept inflicting and every repetitive beating it would take.
it gave up on trying.
but it never gave up on you.

we ran.
at exceedingly high speeds,
away from our troubles,
far from our plans,
hand in hand,
we ran.

towards the sunset.
received a call
from the light remaining,
it gladly welcomed us home.
so we ran.

up all the stairs,
mucked rails
beneath our hands,
opened every door,
and so we ran.

we reached the top,
sprint to the edge.
looked to the sky,
and the sun was turned off.
and the stars said hello,
as our eyes
swallowed them whole.

this beautiful sight,
that visits every night,
our favorite show,
that'll guide our walk home.

Your smile is your own category of beauty,
as strong as your greatest strength,
and speaks the words that come out of your snappy yet lovable brain.
And I can't bear to see it in pain.

If you are, let me take your pain,
and stick it in the storage of my heart.  
I will face it for you.
Because I won't let your happiness and smile depart.

i would move the strongest buildings,
or give you mountains from afar,
i'd give you everything you want,
or even catch you every star.
i would count every single grain of sand,
or grant you every piece of land,
or if you wanted me
to simply just walk away from it all,
i would,
if it meant you would stay
for just one more day.

you've held my hand, you hold my heart,
but we are strangers now,
i suppose we have been from the start.
we haven't talked in what seems like years,
your love will always brings me to tears,
falling together just to fall apart,
i suppose we have been from the start.

you can promise me forever.
you can promise me every past star in the night sky,
every flower that the earth grows unapologetically,
every hour of sleep i always let slip away from me,
and i would still never believe you.

for some reason,
every word has lost its original meaning.
you tell me you love me,
but i can't even begin to grasp what you mean
when you say a four letter word that is the simpliest word to read.

i wish i could feel loved.
whatever that means.
and i wish i knew the original meaning.
whatever that means.

We are all the same.
A human,
with a body, a soul, a brain.
So excuse my manners,
because this isn't very well mannered,
sit down and shut up,
because my pain
is as valid as your pain.

i see you went to new york,
the place with a million lights.

my favorite place in the world,
you were once my favorite girl.

i wonder if you thought of me,
while driving up there during christmas time.
i told you i wished to see the lights.

i wonder if you took the time.

and you got into university,
a tough one at that.
your passion for learning goes to show.

i'm proud of you, you know.

i wish i was like that.

i wish i was smart.
i wish i was strong.

and i know you struggle with perfectionism.
but you look at you now.

i hope you find your favorite place in the world.
you were once my favorite girl.

im sick.
literally.
i have the flu.
i walk downstairs,
to find someone
to help me
figure out what to do.

i see my mom,
expecting a warm embrace,
she looks at me and says,
"wow you really need to lose some weight."

i'm sitting here hurting,
everything is in pain,
and all you can think of,
is how much i weigh?

i go to the scale,
close my eyes,
a million decisions
run through my mind.

i open them,
and i look at the scale
right in its
numerical face.
and i'll say
"*******,"
i know what to do,
this weight is here to stay.

i am always writing about you.
it might get annoying,
or it may drive others mad,
but i think they fail to understand
that through these words,
it's the only way
i still have you here.
with me.
a simple sentence
can make it feel as if that one memory just happened as close as yesterday.
a whole collection of words
can make it feel as if your presence is still here with me today.
so if words are the only thing
that will make it feel as if
you are still close to my heart,
or still in my life,
or still in my arms,
then i will continue to write.
simple sentences.
and collections of words.
about today.
about yesterday.