He came to me
A shining man
Metallic swords
And endless chance

Paddling white horse
A silhouette in the beating sun
Golden rays brushing his shining sleeves
A dream unable to he undone

He offered his hand,
And off we danced
Twirling in the setting sunlight
Dipping and leading into the nights ascent

Under the sweet navy sky
Freckled with quivering white stars
In between the dark shadow trees
I fell in love, so hard and so high

Follows a morning sun
A valley of color and life
Noise, and time and sense resume
The perfect lovers day

But looking over
On the sweet sweet grass
He is not lying at the end of my love
He is walking to his mule

Wearing tattered clothing
His sword a gnarled rotting stick
Anything but shine
Anything but charm

"You are not my Prince"
I say to him
"I never said I was"

Squeeze my hands and pinch my cheeks
Walk me to the bus stop and take me to the park
Lets watch some movies and visit the creek
Lets talk until the sky is dark

Oh, Mommy, please don't raise your voice
Please don't say those words
Do you really think my character is ugly?
Do you really think my mind is absurd?

Oh, Mommy, please don't say I'm useless
Please give me a hug
Please don't send me to that stranger
and please don't throw our mugs

Hey, Mom, come
Listen to my teachers
the way they sing my song
listen to them brag about me
on and on and on

I'm so sorry, Mother
Do these A's need be higher?
Do I need to cower harder
Convince the world that you are not a liar?

Tell them I'm a bad girl
that I don't deserve your love?
Convince them I'm a hellchild
Or need it be more than that above?

Will then you take my hand and squeeze my cheeks?
Can we go to the park and visit the creek?
Can you walk me to the bus stop and talk all night long
Can we watch movies and pretend you didn't do anything wrong?

How strange it is
To bear witness
To see inside
Someone's mind

But how stranger it becomes
When the mind
Has stagnated
In one single place

For so long

After a battle
I lie
Fatigued
And fearful

That this is only the beginning
Of the long war to proceed
That I will have to fight
So much more

For my sanity
For my right
For my happiness
For everything

But at that moment I cannot move a muscle
I can barely bat an eye
My heart is numb
My throat dry

My drive - absent
And my will
To keep fighting
So small

It's scary when you find
These thoughts
These emotions
So extreme

And you've seen them represented
You'd think you would recognize them
But you don't
You don't

And then you start to think
Thoughts that aren't rational
Things that aren't real
But you think them anyway

And you start to wonder what blood
And death
And true peace
Tastes like

You wonder

A phantom throb
Through a pumping vessel
And I wait

Wait

Wait for the surge
But it doesn't come
It's only the ghost of what was

And the unborn fetus of what is to be
But in this moment
There is nothing

No throb
No surge
No twitch
No sob

Just an *****
That sits still
Moving naturally
In gentle ease

A dangerous feeling that lures
To the metallic shine
Of otherworldly deeds
That I would never consider otherwise

But when the stillness passes I am reborn again
Through with waiting for the moment of truth
Until we meet again

I can't stop moving
I'm restless but weak
I can't stop

I can't feel my legs
Or my fingers
I can't breathe

I can't see straight
My head is whirling
My stomach is empty

But I can't eat
I can't move
And I cant stop moving

I'm screaming
But also I can't speak
I'm gasping

Because again; I can't breathe
And I can't think
And I can't function
And I can't be good

And also I can't
Live
This way
I can't

Live