You were the boy who turned my life in so many directions that I had to put it into words.
You were my muse, you were the one who made me start to write.
People always say if you fall in love with a writer and end up hurting them that you should be thankful.
They say that because writers will create art out of you. You'll become their masterpiece.
You are the person who made me feel so high on cloud nine, without a care in the world, the happiest I had ever been.
But you're also the person who made me cry the most. The most painful, screaming, heartwrenching sobs I've ever shed were because of you.
You've shattered and repaired my heart throughout the years, you've wreaked havoc in my life and made it feel like the most peaceful wonderland that there ever was.
I don't know how to go back to a life that doesn't include you, but regardless of if you're here or not, you'll be the most beautiful piece of art that you never knew you'd be.
How are you supposed to just stop loving someone and move on like they never mattered to you?

Don't fall in love with the broken boy.
I will tell you from experience,
Don't do it.
You may think you will fix him,
You can bind up his wounds,
That your love will fix all that's broken in his life,
But I'll tell you,
It's all a lie.

You can't change a man,
You never can.
They'll tell you that time and time again and you'll shake your head and scoff thinking,
"They don't know what I can do."
You can't.

You yourself are broken.
You thought he'd fall in love with you and that your anxiety isn't that big of a deal.
That maybe it'll even be a part of you that he'll love you because of and in spite of.
It's not something to romanticize.

He'll try to fit into the mold he thinks you have for men,
And he'll give up once he believes he'll never fit into that.
And he'll break your heart leaving you in the process.
He claims this is only temporary and that it'll be over soon,
He just needs to figure himself out.

But if it's not goodbye, why does it feel like you're nowhere to be found?

I’d like to go on living like none of this ever happened.
But I can’t.
Because it’s still my reality.
And it will be my reality even if you’re not around.

They say you can’t change a man, not to even try.
But I did.
I tried.
I spent hours praying,
I spent days crying,
I spent an eternity trying to mold and shape you into what I thought you were supposed to be,
Into who I saw you could be.

I know it’s not my job,
I know I shouldn’t have even tried.
I broke all the pieces of myself,
And the pieces of my own heart in the process
Before you could even break me.

I always picked up the pieces left over from you;
From your heartbreaks and your hardships.
All I ever wanted was you.
And now I’m left still behind you
Picking up the pieces of myself that you broke
Filling all the holes that you punctured through.

You didn’t mean to hurt me, this was never your intention.
But I’m broken,
I’m torn,
I’m hurt.
You were caught in the middle of two ways to hurt me,
And somehow, you chose the worst one.

How can I believe someone that completely ruined my trust?
Chewed it up, spit it out, and you don’t seem to care.
Yet, in the deepest parts of me I still trust you.
You’re still my home.
And I shouldn’t have put that much of myself into someone when I’m only eighteen.

I’m afraid the only thing that’s going to fix me is the same thing that broke me.
You.

I just love Love in its purest form.
Two people hugging or kissing or simply being by each other.
When love is at its purest, most unadulterated form, you feel it.
Whether it’s two people right in front of you, or a picture of a couple, or you and me;
It cuts deep. You feel it when it’s real.
You feel it in your bones, so much so that they ache.
A good aching.
One that heals all the parts of you that were broken and bruised and crushed in that time where you thought you would never make it out of that pit, when you couldn’t get out of bed and cried every day.
Love heals the hurts you have.
Love is beautiful.
Even if it has nothing to do with you.

In the Winter
we were friends,
but we weren't that close

In the Spring
we were best friends
that were torn apart
by your relationship

In the Summer
we were closer than ever
unofficial lovers
the best of friends

In the Fall
still best friends
but you're going out places
with other people
and I wonder
where we'll be
when it's Winter again

And here I am
trying not to get bad again
I don't want to go back into that downward spiral
that you made me dive into just three months ago
I allowed it to happen
I probably even made it worse
by my own thoughts

I don't want to be sad all the time again
I don't want to give you the power
to destroy me again

when you're knocked down
you're supposed to pick yourself up
and I did that last time
I picked up the broken pieces
and gave them to you to reassemble
even though you were the one that broke me

and it's one little thing that sets me off
one little thing
that might not even be a thing
and it's stupid
it's so stupid
that I'm even worrying about this
because I was supposed to learn
I am supposed to be better this time

I will not allow you to destroy me again
I will not allow my feelings to destroy me again
I will not allow my mind to destroy me again
I will not allow myself to destroy me again

I am stronger than I think
I do not let my over-thinking destroy my happiness
because even if life doesn't go how I want it to
there is still sunshine

and one person
is not going to depict how happy I am
or how happy my life should be
because there is so much to be happy about
even if I don't see it at first

One day,
whether you're just a roller coaster of a memory
or the one sleeping next to me at night,
I'll always remember how it was you.
It was always you.
It has always been you.
The one I loved at sixteen,
seventeen,
eighteen.

The one I loved in the dark and in the sunrise.
In the secret hallows of the night
and the transparency of thanksgiving day with our families.

The long string of nights I spent crying and breaking inside
longing for you to love me back.
Never thinking it was a possibility.

Until you surprised me.

You're the boy I kissed at seventeen...
eighteen...
the first one.
The hopeful last one.

And I knew I didn't love you anymore when it was the 29th of November and facebook had to notify me that it was your birthday because for the first time in years, I didn't remember it was your birthday. The date didn't even have significance to me.

I knew I didn't love you anymore when I didn't have the urge to wish you a happy birthday in hopes that you would notice me and maybe fall in love with me too.

I knew I didn't love you anymore when you celebrated a year with your girl, and what was once a pang of jealousy turned into adoration because I thought you guys were cute and complemented each other.

I knew I didn't love you anymore when you got married and I didn't care. I actually wished you the best. And I still do. I enjoy seeing how your lives together have merged and the marriage you both have created is fantastic.

There's a sense of growth I feel from this and it makes me realize that you were never my first love. And if I got the chance to tell 14-year-old me that, I would in a heartbeat. My loves and losses paled in comparison to what was in store for me at eighteen.

My first actual love. The one that loved me back.

You can reassure me until you're blue in the face and tell me you love me until you have no more oxygen in your lungs and I'd still have a bit of doubt as to whether or not you actually do love me.

I'm sorry for that and that I can't entirely rest easy in that.

It's not that I don't trust you. I'm just skeptical about everyone, and that includes the person I love the most.

I don't know how to get better with this, or how to get over it. I can't wait for the day that I just know that I'm yours and you're mine. Completely and fully each other's.

There are happy times, and there are sad times.
The thing is, things are going to get tough.

They're going to get hard, they're going to get difficult, and there's going to be many times that you feel like you want to quit.

But in those moments, there's something deep down that gets you through it. Whether it's love, security, or mixture of both: you get through it.

It takes patience, sometimes tears, sometimes yelling. But you get through it.

Whether you get through it torn apart or in one piece, you, yourself, and the person that you're with will place you back together.

And maybe that's what love truly is; yes there's arguments, and fighting, and a whole lot of love throughout it all, but you have to remember, that you're still young. That he's still young. And this is going to happen.

No matter how many arguments you've been in, it doesn't change the fact that in the middle of them you still get worried that he's going to leave. No amount of reassurance helps sometimes. But you have to get through it. You have to. Holding on to the hope that you guys will work your way through this will help you in the end.

Sooner or later, people argue. You disagree. Sometimes you yell, sometimes you whisper, it's still an argument nonetheless. Your cheeks will get red and your heart will race and you may be the maddest you've ever been, but you will get through it.

Excuse yourself, excuse him. Forgive him when he's wrong, forgive yourself when you are too. You both are still learning. Learning to love yourself and each other, and that's why people say love is an adventure, a learning experience. Something that cannot be replicated or learned until you experience it.

There's several different types of love, but a true love? There's going to be bumps, it's an uphill and downhill battle.

There's going to be amazing times, some of the most memorable times you've ever experienced, and some of the most miserable times you've lived through. But you will get through it.

Nobody ever promised that love would be easy, but everybody knows that it's worth it. Why everybody looks for it, there has to be a reason. And once you find it, you won't be able to imagine your life without it.

Writing poetry about him when my heart was so dead-set on you.

Trying so hard to fall in love with him when I was already in love with you.

Telling you about him in hopes that it would make you jealous.

Writing most of my poems about you.

Seeing you with other girls and a part of me dying every single time.

Every picture, every mention of any other girl that wasn't me. Another piece just...vanished.

Countless nights praying that you'd be mine. That I'd be yours.

Doing every possible thing in my power to have you fall in love with me.

Listening to music and dedicating it to you.

Cuddling with you and watching criminal minds.

You admitting you were actually in love with me on a Friday night and my whole body shaking in disbelief.

Our first kiss, and me anticipating it more than anything before.

The first time I held your hand and knew from that moment that I wanted to hold it forever.

Telling family about us and them putting us down. But me telling you that I didn't care who I had to deal with as long as I had you.

You telling me you loved me and I knew it was something more.

The first time you cried in front of me telling me about your dad.

Seeing you completely and utterly broken and wanting to fix you.

Us telling each other that we planned our lives together. With the promise of forever.

I hate that you have eyes for other girls besides me
not that you've ever had eyes for me
not that I know of
I hate that I'm not your main girl
that there's many others

why did you send her a picture of me when you think she's hot
were you trying to make her jealous
or you were just documenting things in your day

why do you cuddle with me and make me feel so special
like we're so close
and there's a chance at something more
and then go back to the other girls

why do you let me put my head on your shoulder
and tell me to come back when I decide to move
you make me feel like you actually crave my closeness
like you actually want me

why do you make me feel like the happiest ******* the planet
and make me feel like the crappiest person in the world

more importantly
why do I even feel this way for you
and how did I sink this deep into the ocean that's you

Your smell
It lingers on my clothes
And I'm constantly reminded
Of your presence
Just how close you were to me

And all I want
Is to be by your side again
Snuggled up against you
Against your warmth

And I'm reminded
just how much I miss you
I miss you
I miss you so much
Oh my gosh, I miss you.

I can't be falling for you like this again

And while you're sleeping
I'm awake
and my mind is creating 2,603 useless thoughts
of you
that will never happen.


I just hope you're dreaming of me.

Another one
gone
by the monster that lives
inside of their heads

men, women, children, teenagers
drowning in their thoughts
with no way to escape
their hearts breaking more and more
each day

the tunnel they are in
has no light at the end
so they think
that they'll never escape their troubles
no escape from their demons
that things will never look up from here

the people who are the strongest are the weakest
they help everyone but themselves
too modest to accept help from anyone
when they may need it the most

the only way out
they think
is death
that'll fix everything
all of their problems will be gone for good

they're too broken to realize that
suicide is not the answer to their problems
it takes them away, sure
but it prevents things from ever getting better

There is so much left unsaid on my part
and I'd like to think
there are things you have left unsaid
because you are scared
or don't know how to bring them up

but that worries me
because you aren't usually scared
and there probably isn't anything at all
and you've probably said all that you've wanted to say

you're not a thinker like I am
you don't keep your feelings bottled up
you've been completely honest with me
probably
and I haven't always opened up to you like I'd like to
and maybe that's okay
and maybe it's not
and it probably isn't okay

because if it were
I wouldn't have this longing
this lingering
to spill my guts out to you
for you to clean up
for you to lend a shoulder
for me to cry on
for you to pick me up
when I've fallen

and when I fell
you didn't notice
you didn't seem to care
because she was in your focus
and I was in your peripherals

I thought I won
because in a way
he's still mine.

Though it was never a competition for you
because him and me
aren't a thing
and probably never will be.

You've seemed to move on
you have a boyfriend now
but I think he still wants you
I think he still loves you
and that rips my heart out

he hasn't seemed to have moved on
still has your pictures on his wall
next to mine

and it crushes me
to think your memories with him
still reside in his room
still reside in his mind
still reside in his heart

constant reminders of you
are everywhere
and he's not getting rid of you

but you wrecked him
you demolished him
and I was there to pick up the pieces
yet he still loves you

but I don't
because you hurt him so deeply
but he's gotten over that, it seems
and he's a broken person
has been since I've known him
and he gets better every day

but you unglued all of those pieces
that I helped mend back together
and you didn't care that you hurt him
but I did.

and I thought you were out of the picture for good
but that wasn't the truth
because you were still there
you are still here
and you will be until he finally says
goodbye

I hate how dependent
I am on you
that a text from you will dictate
how well my day will be

how happy or sad
I'll be that day

you're the thing
that's keeping me stitched together
but somehow
you're also the thing
that is ripping me apart

and I long for the day
that won't be my reality anymore

but that also terrifies me
because that means you've moved on
and that I have also

I've come to realize
when he's choosing
it'll always be you
and if it's not you
it'll be her
or her
or her
but never me

and I wish for once
he'd at least consider it
like I have considered him

every

single

day

since I've known him

and though it's just friendship between us
that's better in the end
because there's no breaking up or jealous hearts

well,
maybe not entirely.

and maybe I just liked the attention you gave me
and I didn't actually like you that way
and for that I apologize
to myself
because I drove my heart to conclusions
that would never happen
my imagination ran wild with what ifs
and asking myself if those things that happened
had any meaning at all

I hate
that he still
misses
you

I hate
that he still
thinks about
you

I hate
that you actually left a void
in his life

one that he notices
one that's present
one that he wants you
to fill again