An old friend came to visit me the other day
Anxiety.
He sat me down with my hopes and dreams and chained them around my wrists,
So that I would be able to reach them
But never catch a hold of them
Because they were just a little too far to fetch.

Sometimes I just wish I could sink into the void inside of me, detach my soul from every part of me so I become a lifeless body.
So I can seep away from existence, fall into myself, and never see the light of day again, never be afraid that it will be burn me
Again.

My heart hammered in my chest,
Petrified, my vision was blurry
My body was shaking
From the reality before me.

His sharp teeth and pale lips
Pulled back into a hideous smirk,
His hollowed eyes
Filled to the brim with hunger
And his breath
Foul with every death
He had devoured.

My throat, constricted with
Anxiety
And my stomach
Screamed with uneasiness.

My living nightmare
Worse than I had ever imagined,
Feeding off of any hope left inside of me.

I could taste the bitter flavor of dread
Replacing any bit of courage inside of me.

I struggled to find air,
Terror gnawed at my heart
As he prowled closer.

I closed my eyes
Praying to whoever was out there
For a second chance.
Then cursing them
For letting this monster
Haunt me.

Everything I lived for
Would be gone within the next few moments
Tears of anxiety drenched my face
From the thoughts of losing everyone I cared for.

What did I do to deserve this?
Why have I wronged fate?
Why does fate bring this sinister creature to punish me?
Why? Why? Why?

I do not deserve this.
I will not be punished.
I will not let it end here.
I will not accept my fate.

I took in a deep breath
1…2…3

His distorted face so close to mine,
Leering at me.
My heart pounding against my chest
My mind screaming to run
But my eyes,
Stared dead straight into his vacant sockets.

With all the courage I could fathom,
I roared
“You are not me.
You’ll never be”
His stance faltered
My nerves no longer chained around me.
“You can’t control me,
You are not stronger than me.”
My bravery radiated
As he started to saunter back
Fear in his voided eyes.
His figure shrunk with every step.
“You are nothing but a monster,
A beast.
I will not let you define me.”
He fell back and squirmed under my gaze.
“I may fear you,
But that doesn’t mean I won’t fight you.
I will, and I have.
And  I won."

With that, he crawled into the shadows
Where he belonged.
But he always lurked,
Inside my own shadow, attached to me
He was always an unwanted guest.
But he never hurt me.
He knew if I could conquer the beast inside of me
I could conquer anything.

I can. And I will.
Nothing in this entire world can stop me.
*Nothing at all.

Breaking up.
The words still flashing before my eyes,
Days after you’ve said them.
I take another scoop of ice cream,
Trying to swallow down the lump in my throat.
I’m okay, I’m okay.
I see her hands in yours,
I’m not okay.
I cry, and cry and cry. Till it’s all out.
I think I feel better now,
Crying makes everything better.
I get a message from you
I still love you, even if it isn’t the same
But the words morph into
You’re still being friend zoned.
I sigh, refusing to cry again.
Closing my eyes and the darkness is blurred with images of you,
Of us,
Of *happiness.
Then my heart starts to ache again
My eyes snap wide open.
I won’t allow myself to go there again.
I take an elastic band and set to punish myself if I thought of you again.
One day,
Snap.
Two days,
Snap, snap
Three days,
Triple snap.
I think I’m bleeding
And it’s not just my heart.
So I switch to binge watching
While binge eating.
This feels better already
Then the couple on TV decide to kiss,
I hate TV.
I switch to talking.
Moaning,
Complaining,
Crying,
Venting,
Pitying.
Everythi­ng till I’m done feeling sorry for myself.
I stand up straighter and take a deep breath.
Then I get another message from you
You’re the greatest friend ever*
Sigh. I slump back
I hate you.
I’m not talking to you again.
That’s hard
So I drink.
Downing all my sorrows and problems with each shot.
Is it really that difficult to get over a breakup?
I mean, I’ve done it before, so I can do it again
Right?
Well, before him you weren’t in love.
******.
Another shot.
And then I’m done feeling groggy.
Done feeling helpless,
Hopeless,
Useless,
Love-less.
Who needs a man anyway?
I’m fine on my own.
So I smile.
I Laugh,
Have fun till the happiness inside me bursts out.
This feels good.*
The skies seem bluer and the grass feels greener.
I feel incredible.
And then,
Flashbacks.
Kissing,
Smiling,
Holding my hand,
The way you’re looking at me.
Oh great.
*Now I have to start again.

Patient: B. Hypocrite

Feelings: Angry, frustrated, sad, confused, despaired, suicidal

In need of therapy (Yes/No)**: What's the point? I'm already a hopeless suicidal *freak.

If loving you is a sin,
Then consider me the *Devil

What am I if not made of irony
Hypocrisy and words
So contradictory?
I mask it all with style;
Venom and blood
Or light and color-
All decorating our words
With different kinds of splendor.
But I hide the true meaning deep within.
Even if the truth is more shallow than you think.
I let you taste emotions never offered to you on your plate,
Because I hide my ingredients
In the meal that you ask for.
I give what you never knew you never wanted
In a way that only entices you.
But I am one of the best liars on paper.
I am one of the best actors.
I convey millions of emotions
When I only have a soulless soul inside.
Poets like me can describe feelings they've never felt before.
Never take my words as my life
Because halfway,
I stopped living in my words.

Mama, it hurts to breath him in now.*
I think it's the intoxicating smell of all the wrong choices he made following him everywhere he goes.

Mama, it burns whenever I touch him.
He scorches me with his fierce speech, a tongue of fire every time he speaks to me, but with words never truly meant for me.

Mama, it deafens me whenever I hear him.
His voice is raspy from all his problems he tries to smoke away, turning his lungs into ashes with all the bad herbs he puffs away.

Mama, it blinds me whenever I see him.
His sad self wasting precious life away, in the depths of despair.

Mama, I want to cry for him. He hurts so much and I cannot even reach out a hand to help him without poisoning myself with his deadly words. Loving him is excruciatingly painful because he has no love left for me.

Mama, I can't leave him.
Even if he doesn't show it I know if I were to leave he'd suffer tremendously. He's so fragile behind the armored wall he put up against anyone.

Mama, I know you think I'm making a mistake
But I bare with the pain if it can make him okay again.

I'm the only one he lets his walls down for.

Mama,
You ask how? Why?

Well, if he didn't, he wouldn't have asked me to stay longer.

Why?
I guess he needs me as much as I need him.

I don't know why I reopen old wounds.

I guess it's because I just want to
Feel Again.

I know you won't fall for me,
But you will fall eventually,
And when you do
I promise she'll be there to catch you.

Light entered the dark room.
It's soft glow lit up the dark corners of the room
And even went as far as lighting up the dark corners of her mind.
The warmth spread across her face as she stared into the light-
A fire inside her eyes.
She watched the candle roar with only one flame,
Not afraid if the yellow flicker would burn her heart
If she got too close-
Like she did.
She spat fire at her whenever she brought down her walls.
She had to constantly build them back up so she wouldn't get even the tiniest glimpse of her broken, crippled self.
Her heart and soul were worn out,
Burns marking their territory
And stretch marks seeping through because that one big part of her Learnt to shrink more and more
Just so she'd have more bricks to pile up as defense.
She lived in constant fear that her fire would turn more of her body black again.
She was tired of living in fear of suffocating in her smoke.
Her lungs were sore from breathing in her scorching words.
In the dark room she reached her hand out to the flame,
Something she never thought possible,
Her fingers clasping onto the heat.
Clasping onto the peace
From the lone candle.
She never tasted a fire so beautiful-
For once the orange didn't leave her soul in ashes.
She inhaled the burning serenity
Embracing it,
Engulfing it,
Enlightening her insides
With a new found happiness.
She let herself melt
Into a world brighter than the light
Gone in her eyes.

Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if the universe was in your hands.
I know you'd be able to control everything- have it all your own way, as you please.
But I also know you'd shove the world between us, giving us an infinite amount of space no one could imagine. In my heart I'd have the meteors creating black holes.
In your eyes you'd have the stars making a whole new galaxy that doesnt consist of me.
So, really, even in a possibility as such,
Nothing would have changed.
You'd still have left me for her.

At least you know
How it feels
To lay your heart down on a silver platter
Loved to perfection.
Slathered with the sauce
Extracted from the roots of
My words.
Sprinkled with the butterflies I felt
Every time I looked at you.
And you could taste the pinch of ecstasy
From all the times I held
Your hand.
Let us not forget
Our moments together
When we couldn't think of
Ever being separated.
Our history
Spiced up the plate
But left a tangy taste,
Almost as sweet
As your lips when they were on
Mine.
All of it paired with the sliced up
Hatred and anger
I felt towards you.
The strong aroma of
Frustration
When you made me want to scream in
Fury.
All to provide a cuisine of
True Love.
Only for you to push it away
And say
'No thank you, I already ate.'
My-our- hard work, time and effort
All gone to waste.
You just drank more and more
Of your Ex-pired girlfriend, instead
And got drunk on old feelings.
Again.

We were not our most intimate
When my kiss was on your lips.
We were not our most intimate
When our hands clasped onto our hope together.
We were not our most intimate
When I scribbled poetry onto your skin
Or when I tattooed my love into your heart.
When I held onto you so close and made you promise me you'd never let go
We were not our most intimate.

When you were on the other side of a room
Filled with tons of people,
And a lesson going on in school
About something important,
But through it all
You caught my eye,
Held onto it,
And finally
Smiled.
That's when we were intimately in love.

I climb into the tub filled with water
Hoping it would cleanse me of our memories
Our history,
Hoping it would get rid of moments I crave to forget.
I run the soap along my body,
Cleaning out your fingerprints,
Rinse,
Smiling because I think I'm finally free.
But we all know how baths work.
I sat there in my dirt,
Your dirt,
Our dirt,
I sat there in the midst of our memories
Stuck with you
Surrounding me
Once again.
Like you never left.

I drank from the beautiful crystal glass
Silently wishing it was your love
So I would keep it in me
Until it consumes me
And I would be surrounded by your love.

That feeling
Like you wrapped your cold hands around
My heart
Squeezing the warmth and love out of it
Until it was empty.
But I never minded,
As my heart loved the feel of your hands
And needed to be cooled down every once in a while
Because every time I looked at you
It warmed up again.

Do you think you’re going to miss
The stars in the sky?
You’ll be a thousand miles
Away from the beautiful
Night.

Do you think your heart will grow sore
From missing the sunlight?
The way it paints the clouds
In an abundance of shades
Right up in the sky.

Do you think you’ll miss
Looking up and seeing your favorite color?
Miss seeing that wonderful tinge of blue
Also known as my hue
Of hope.

Do you think you’ll wish
To see the orange sunset again?
Watching the tones of fire ignite the sky
Until a deep ocean cools it down
And washes it out
Till it glitters with desires
Known as the stars-
Shining bright and illuminating your way
Home.

If I were you I’d miss the African Night.
I’d miss seeing destiny
Sprawled across the darkness like that.
I’d miss the sunlight
Warming up my heart
From sunrise like that.
I’d miss the splash of colors
Tinting the clouds
Giving me a taste of incredibility
From sunsets like that.
I’d miss the sky
How infinite it can be.
But you won’t have to worry
Because you were born a beauty-
A star.

Your home is the night
And wherever you are
You can see the glimmers of
Hope.
You are a shimmering ball of
Miracles.
Wherever you are
You are home.

I took off my glasses so I would see the world in all it's blurred glory. Where nothing is certain, everything is unclear and focus is lost.

Sometimes I wish I was blind so I wouldn't see how people change and deceive you. So I wouldn't see the ugly creatures they grow into. So I wouldn't be faced with the fact that no one stays the same.

I wouldn't see people grow into their worst fear.

I stared at the girl before me. The voices in my head from the years before were echoing inside.

You are so smart. I wish I could have a mind like yours
You are talented. The words you write on the page are gold.
I know you will do so great one day.

The girl they talked about was someone I couldn’t recognize.

I touched my face and the girl in front of me touched hers. My fingers traced down to my lips where a smile usually sat. I tried to curve  them but it hurt, so I let them fall into a grim line.

Much better.

I felt the tingles as my hand reached my eyes and the girl had bags under hers. I caught a glimpse of something shimmering in her eyes; tears. Why was she crying?

My cheeks are wet.

I stared at her face and saw the pale skin that clung to her bones. She looked like she could be healthier.  Be happier. I wanted to make her happier.

But what is there to be happy about?

I couldn’t recognize the girl in the mirror. I didn’t know who she was. My eyes focused on her until her face became disoriented and blurred. I blinked and could only see a mess of her.
A mess of me.
My hands fell limp to my side as I watched us cry together. She didn’t reach out to me. I didn’t reach out to her. I didn’t want to know her. I didn’t want to know me.

The girl everyone talked about, the girl in the mirror and the girl who I thought I was had nothing in common. They stood out. For better and for worse. No one knew who the real me was. I don’t know who the real me is. I feel like if I did it would make even less sense to me. I’m not smart. I’m not talented. Who was that girl in their heads? She was not me. She can’t be.
Why did the girl in the mirror have to resemble me? Why was my reflection the scariest thing I’ve ever seen?
Why did she make more sense to me than the girl in everyone else minds?

She was hurting. She was broken.

*Am I broken?

If our lives wasn't so divided
Our hearts could've collided,
Space wouldn't define our status 
But It would be our safe haven
Where we could live among the craters
Riding on the shooting stars
Passing Uranus, Saturn, Jupiter
To finally land on Mars.
Because our love is out of this world.
Connect the dots you see in the night sky
And clearly written are the words 'You and I' 
I can finally call you Mine,
That word I trace on your skin and I realize
Platonic, romantic,
We were meant for each other.
Read the constellations,
Do you dare question the galaxy?

Because the last time I loved you, you shattered my heart into millions of pieces. There were so many, I stopped trying to collect them. Instead, I swept the jagged pieces away, burning them to ashes, hoping, praying over the fire a new one would eventually grow.

Please don’t let me be like my Mother.

Don’t let me be the woman
Who never gave me a second glance
Because whenever it came to children
She stopped loving at one.

Don’t let me be
The woman who gave her all to the first born,
But when it was me
She gave it all up.

Don’t let me be the woman who smoked
Half a lung into ashes,
Every night thinking I don’t see
The grey puffs rising to my window
Darkening my room
Choking me as it slowly became the air I breathe.

When I grow up,
Don’t make me marry a man
Who never loved
And lived for numbers upon papers
Caring more about his reputation
Than his own blood he weaved into
Us.

When I grow up
Let me teach my children
Happiness and what it is like to smile,
Instead of drilling into their brains
All the reasons they should cry
And drown in their tears.

When I grow up,
Don’t let me search for my dreams
At the bottom of a shot glass
Taking more and more
As I get drunk on false, temporary happiness.

Don’t let me come home to my children,
Telling them how useless they are,
Throwing things at them
And finally collapsing into a heap of hopelessness.

Please don’t let my children
Have a father who never even cared
Enough to remember their birthdays
Let alone save them from the nightmare
That was their Mom.

Don’t let me become
The reason my children cried at their reflection
Because beauty never defined them
The reason they refused to eat
Since the flesh on their body
Kept growing in their eyes only.

Never let me be the woman
Who found only the ecstasy
She bought through men each night.

Even then it wasn’t love.
Even now it isn’t love.
She never learned to love people like me.
But I loved her.

Yet it was forced,
I only saw the mistakes she made
Every time I looked at her.
Including myself.

Please, when I grow up,
Let me learn to love my skin
And suffocate in all the things that make me
Beautiful.

Let me prove to the woman who claimed
To have raised me up
That I will never make the same errors or ever be like her.

I’ll love, I’ll live, I’ll care.
Three things she never grew up to do.

When I grow up,
Please don’t let me be like my Mother.