If I were to be an emoji
For the rest of my life,
I would be
:/

Not :)
Or :( 
Just 
:/

I'm not happy,
I'm not sad,
I'm merely 
Confused.

I'm a combination,
Of the two.
Sad, yet not always.
Happy, but only slight.

A lost soul, maybe?
Confused and sad to be alone.
But I'm happy to be away,
From the cruel, cruel world.

I could be :)(
But I am :/
Instead.

I feel depressed sometimes.
I cover a :( with a :)
Just to stop the questions,
And to see if it could be real.

:) could mean :(
But I can laugh for real.
Happiness can fill my insides.

I feel sorry for some people,
Not always pity, though.
Just sorry I can't feel the same way.
Sorry I can't tell them I know how they feel.
So I become :/

I don't know how I feel sometimes.
Since my mood changes 
by a few questioned words.

Content + Miserable = :/
Hope my maths is correct,
I have never been a genius,
I guess that applies for feelings too.

:/ = Me
I'm just a confused and miserable soul.

Somebody please help me.
Change me.
I don't want to stay the same,
Forever and always.

Is it possible to be scared of three words?

I walked down the street,
Two A.M in the morning,
Knocked on his door three times,
His face popped into view.

His eyes concerned, 
And he opened his mouth,
But I raised my hand,
And stopped him.

"Look, I know you don't want me here,
You probably don't feel the same way.
But hear me out
And listen to my say."

"I sure have been in love with you,
For a really long time.
But our friendship has been a little rocky,
And I did not want not ruin it 
Any more.

I also wish
That these feelings would go away,
So I waited.
By they didn't.
We only grew further apart.

I was relived when you came back.
But I knew you didn't feel the same way,
And I was put in misery again.

I have tried my best for you,
I have stuck up for you,
I dreamt about you,
I did everything I could for you.

But you stuck with being the bad boy,
Dating the bad girls,
Those impressions that the town has,
Isn't really you.

I know I am one of the few people,
Who can see through your ego.
You really are a genuine guy,
You are so so nice.

You treat people the way 
They should be treated.
You want to protect
The ones you love.

I have fallen for your humor,
I have fallen for your kindness,
I have fallen for your generosity,
I have fallen for your cockiness.

But sometimes I wish 
I was that girl,
Who had all your attention;
All your love.

So, I know this might ruin
Our beautiful friendship,
But I want you to know that I Love you;
And I always will.

I want you to know, 
That I wish you were the one I called early in the morning,
Just to say hi.
The one I called in the middle of the night,
Because I was in danger.
The one I hugged everyday,
Because I just loved you that much.
The one who would come up to me
At a godly hour,
Just to say you couldn't lose me.

But now, I'm the one,
Who is coming up to you,
At a godly hour
Saying I can't lose you.

You might not deserve a girl like me,
I'm just vulnerable.
But I try to get your attention,
Because I really need you.
I can sense your presence,
From a mile away.
And God ******,
You are really ****.

So here I am,
At your doorstep,
Asking for one thing only,
Yet it means so much.

So, please, I know it's asking too much,
But will you be the one I call early in the morning?

 Will you be my 2 A.M?"

Do you think you’re going to miss
The stars in the sky?
You’ll be a thousand miles
Away from the beautiful
Night.

Do you think your heart will grow sore
From missing the sunlight?
The way it paints the clouds
In an abundance of shades
Right up in the sky.

Do you think you’ll miss
Looking up and seeing your favorite color?
Miss seeing that wonderful tinge of blue
Also known as my hue
Of hope.

Do you think you’ll wish
To see the orange sunset again?
Watching the tones of fire ignite the sky
Until a deep ocean cools it down
And washes it out
Till it glitters with desires
Known as the stars-
Shining bright and illuminating your way
Home.

If I were you I’d miss the African Night.
I’d miss seeing destiny
Sprawled across the darkness like that.
I’d miss the sunlight
Warming up my heart
From sunrise like that.
I’d miss the splash of colors
Tinting the clouds
Giving me a taste of incredibility
From sunsets like that.
I’d miss the sky
How infinite it can be.
But you won’t have to worry
Because you were born a beauty-
A star.

Your home is the night
And wherever you are
You can see the glimmers of
Hope.
You are a shimmering ball of
Miracles.
Wherever you are
You are home.

The fairytale was my life.
But the story itself wasn't mine.

Placed in a town
In a time of kings and queens,
Princes and princesses,
I was a commoner.

The palace was my dream
but not for the money,
obviously for the love.

I saw him everyday,
Stealing food with his adorable monkey sidekick,
Swift and sly,
He was calm and kind.

We greeted from time to time
With the simple eye lock
And a sweet smile.
My heart danced for hours on end
Yet he'd have forgotten me by then.

It didn't matter-
He knew I existed,
That was what was most important to me.

I watched him graciously live
The scary life.
Risks of being caught
But he laughed it all off.

I begged for another word
As I followed him in my only clothes,
Stalking after him but only to get a glimpse
Of the poor prince he meant to me.

I dreamt about him every night
Even if our eyes only spoke-
Even if his eyes only said one word-
Even if that one word was
“Hello.”

But after days of analysing him,
Figuring him out through everything but words,
I was caught off guard-
Our eyes didn't catch each other anymore.

He forgot I existed.
He didn't acknowledge me.
He didn't smile at the least.

But the closer I got and I could see-
His eyes were blind.
There was someone else.

I saw him wishing for the world,
Wishing for her,
Thinking about her.
Wanting to be with her.
Needing her.

To say I was broken was an understatement.

He changed.
He followed into the palace,
He stayed there for long,
I barely saw him.

He changed from me into them.
He became a prince.
She accepted him-
It was still romantic.

He rode his flying carpet into the night
The same night I saw the stars as his eyes.
He looked at her with his heart,
The same way I hoped he looked into me.
He gave her more than the magic lamp ever could,
The same way I wished on the moon he could give me.
His love was in his heart.
My love was in my soul.

He  dressed up for rags
Getting ready to accept riches,
Wishing on a genie,
For her and her heart.
Feelings broken I realised he had fallen in love.
He was Aladdin
He was never mine.

It was clear as the sky;
I wasn't  his Jasmine.

Singing a tune
Where birds even stop to listen.
So light,
So beautiful;
Incredible.

She sang me to sleep,
Softly stroking,
While I drift off
Into an eternal sleep.

Laid me down
In a bed of flowers.
Her tears silencing her voice.

She took a breath
And carried on-
But there was no change;
Her voice was constant
But cherished.

At least it felt so,
To me.
My eyes seeing only the light.
But I felt as if I were already in heaven.

No gunshots,
No blood,
No screams,
No demise,
It was a moment to save
Until my death was certain.

I always thought
Life would never go
The way you expected it to,
But this was something unimaginable.

This memory
I thought it worth keeping
As my last.
Hearing nothing but love.
No deaths, but one.

Birds silenced,
By the singing
Of someone who loved me,
And will carry on.

I wanted to close my eyes
And keep it pictured forever in my head.
As my last memory.

And I did.

An old friend came to visit me the other day
Anxiety.
He sat me down with my hopes and dreams and chained them around my wrists,
So that I would be able to reach them
But never catch a hold of them
Because they were just a little too far to fetch.

When your skin color defined the rest of your life.

I live next door,
To a ballerina,
I hear music all day,
And see lights on all night,

It doesn’t bother me,
For we are good friends,
I knew her forever,
Even as a child,

Sometimes I see her,
From my bedroom window,
Dancing like her life depends on it,
Only, it really does,

She moves,
With such grace,
Delicately on her toes,
As if it was easy,

She glances out her window,
Sees me staring,
Flashes a smile,
As if everything was okay,

But I too knew her too well,
To fall for that lie,
I looked at her long and hard,
And now I see why,

Beads of sweat,
Fell down her forehead,
Her legs shook,
As she did a developpe,

Her face was pained,
Strong hint of confusion,
Yet she smiled away,
As if she wasn’t hurting,

She was beautiful,
She could pass as a goddess,
But if you looked closely,
You could see she wasn’t flawless,

Her ever-so-fake smile,
Is what gave her away,
And the shine in her eyes,
Was simply the tears kept inside

Just when I thought,
It was a trick of the light,
She tripped and fell down,
Into a puddle of her own tears,

I didn’t know,
What to do,
Should I climb out my window?
Or leave her in pain?

One thought was dominant,
And it was neither of either,
I screamed just enough,
For her to hear,

She looked up,
And cried once again,
I asked her what was wrong,
Was everything okay?

She said it wasn’t,
As she walked towards her window,
And then did I see her body,
As thin as a straw,

She told me her story,
Everyone was screaming at her,
They said she was pathetic,
Useless in so many ways,

She said she agreed,
They were telling the truth,
She was too fat to be beautiful,
Too fat to dance,

That’s when it hit me,
It explained so much,
She had a disorder,
Anorexia nervosa,

I told her the truth,
While her body shook,
I shook my head and said,
“It’s going to be okay,
My little ballerina”

She smiled, and left.

I live next door,
To a ballerina,
I hear music all day,
And see lights on all night,

It doesn’t bother me,
For we are good friends,
I knew her forever,
Even as a child,

Sometimes I see her,
From my bedroom window,
Dancing like her life depends on it,
Only, it really does,

She moves,
With such grace,
Delicately on her toes,
As if it was easy,

She glances out her window,
Sees me staring,
Flashes a smile,
As if everything was okay,

But I too knew her too well,
To fall for that lie,
I looked at her long and hard,
And now I see why,

Beads of sweat,
Fell down her forehead,
Her legs shook,
As she did a developpe,

Her face was pained,
Strong hint of confusion,
Yet she smiled away,
As if she wasn’t hurting,

She was beautiful,
She could pass as a goddess,
But if you looked closely,
You could see she wasn’t flawless,

Her ever-so-fake smile,
Is what gave her away,
And the shine in her eyes,
Was simply the tears kept inside

Just when I thought,
It was a trick of the light,
She tripped and fell down,
Into a puddle of her own tears,

I didn’t know,
What to do,
Should I climb out my window?
Or leave her in pain?

One thought was dominant,
And it was neither of either,
I screamed just enough,
For her to hear,

She looked up,
And cried once again,
I asked her what was wrong,
Was everything okay?

She said it wasn’t,
As she walked towards her window,
And then did I see her body,
As thin as a straw,

She told me her story,
Everyone was screaming at her,
They said she was pathetic,
Useless in so many ways,

She said she agreed,
They were telling the truth,
She was too fat to be beautiful,
Too fat to dance,

That’s when it hit me,
It explained so much,
She had a disorder,
Anorexia nervosa,

I told her the truth,
While her body shook,
I shook my head and said,
“It’s going to be okay,
My little ballerina”

She smiled, and left.

I'm laying,
On the bathroom floor,
Wondering where you went.

I missed you,
But you came back to hurt me,
And I started to wonder,
If I was worth it.

I'm laying here,
On the bathroom floor,
Pounding about your thoughts.
Do you think of her?

Did you forget us,
And move in,
By falling in love,
With the first blonde?

I'm laying here,
On the bathroom floor,
Hoping you still remember me,
Remember I exist.

I need to stay Hugh,
Prove to the world I'm strong,
Tell them I'm okay,
I'm perfectly fine on my own.

But if all that was true,
Why would I,
Be lying on the bathroom floor,
Crying over you?

I climb into the tub filled with water
Hoping it would cleanse me of our memories
Our history,
Hoping it would get rid of moments I crave to forget.
I run the soap along my body,
Cleaning out your fingerprints,
Rinse,
Smiling because I think I'm finally free.
But we all know how baths work.
I sat there in my dirt,
Your dirt,
Our dirt,
I sat there in the midst of our memories
Stuck with you
Surrounding me
Once again.
Like you never left.

You only realize,
That you miss someone,
When they've left you,
Forever.

I was forced,
And I hated that place.
But I forgot there were good,
People like you.


I regret not thinking straight,
Because now I miss you,
I miss you smiling,
Cracking a joke all the time.

You sure didn't have the cleanest mind,
But that made you all the more funny,
Your humour,
And constant laughter.

I never hated you,
How would I?
You were so sweet,
So nice.

You got along with everyone,
Hid your feelings to the ones you hated.
But you changed ways behind their backs,
Making all of us laugh.

You're the one person I miss the most,
The one person I wish back.
The one person I want here with me,
The one that I need to make me smile.

I don't love you,
But I need you,
I need some happiness,
To turn this frown the right side.

I wish I could turn back time,
So I can treasure those moments with you.
I don't want to regret,
For being the worst friend.

You did laugh,
At the things you shouldn't,
But I forgive,
And I forget.

I dream of seeing you,
So many times,
I just want to say goodbye,
one last time.

But we're parting further,
So I can never see you again.
Connections fail,
To make me contented.

So, keep this poem,
so you can remember,
you changed my life,
and you'll stay in me forever.

I took off my glasses so I would see the world in all it's blurred glory. Where nothing is certain, everything is unclear and focus is lost.

Sometimes I wish I was blind so I wouldn't see how people change and deceive you. So I wouldn't see the ugly creatures they grow into. So I wouldn't be faced with the fact that no one stays the same.

I wouldn't see people grow into their worst fear.

You shoot me down
And I will fall
Because I am not
Titanium.

Neither am I steel, Metal or strong at all.
I am made of flesh and blood,
And you will bring me down.

Not only according to the science of life,
But also because you make me
The happiest person I can be.

And when the happiest person
Doesn't have her happy,
She isn't that bright sunshine.
She's sad, melancholy and depressed.

You may not define me,
But you are what I need
And I want you,
I need you,
I miss you,
I love you.

Your words will hurt me,
Shoot me
And cut through my delicate skin.

I'm not going to pretend,
That you will never affect me-
You always will
Because I am in love with you.

You have left me,
Because I am not good enough.
But I promise you now,
I will be.

Yet you still hurt me,
Taunt me,
And bring me down.

Yes, I am breakable.

And you have, indeed, broken me.

I pick up the broken pieces of my delicate heart,
Feeling the sharp edges cut my skin.

My blood oozes out my flesh,
Your name carried within.

You have poisoned my body,
So I bleed you out.

With every drop,
A kiss is left unfelt.

Dried out, it becomes scars,
Reminders of you,
And what you did to my once whole heart.

These broken pieces hurt like knives.
They burn my skin, redden it.
But only a silent scream escapes,
As I fall to the ground.

I lay on this deserted desert.
Only the cracked ground for company.

My thirst is unquenchable,
Since you are my water.

I'm far away from you,
Carrying this broken heart,
Watching it burn under the sun,
To red ashes.

My blood darkens,
Revenge cornering my mind.

But I love you,
How could you?

Slowly, I burn too.
I burn, with my broken heart.

Blood evaporating to the sky,
To heaven.

While I lay here,
In hell.

I clutch my heart,
Feeling the pain,
Loving it,
Since that's all I've learned to do.

I pick up the broken pieces of my delicate heart,
Feeling the sharp edges cut my skin.

My blood oozes out my flesh,
Your name carried within.

You have poisoned my body,
So I bleed you out.

With every drop,
A kiss is left unfelt.

Dried out, it becomes scars,
Reminders of you,
And what you did to my once whole heart.

These broken pieces hurt like knives.
They burn my skin, redden it.
But only a silent scream escapes,
As I fall to the ground.

I lay on this deserted desert.
Only the cracked ground for company.

My thirst is unquenchable,
Since you are my water.

I'm far away from you,
Carrying this broken heart,
Watching it burn under the sun,
To red ashes.

My blood darkens,
Revenge cornering my mind.

But I love you,
How could you?

Slowly, I burn too.
I burn, with my broken heart.

Blood evaporating to the sky,
To heaven.

While I lay here,
In hell.

I clutch my heart,
Feelings the pain,
Loving it,
Since that's all I've learned to do.

My eyes shut,
As the ringing is heard,
Of the bell,
In his hands.

The silence is broken,
As he chants,
The first few words,
To our prayers.

We repeat,
In sync,
Every word,
Is beautiful.

The light,
Still bright,
Sitting in it's lamp,
Sitting on the table.

Flowers,
Neatly cut,
Yet wild,
Pleasing needs.

The scent of sticks,
Drift across the room,
Putting smiles on our faces,
As he preaches.

Everything placed,
Has a deep meaning.
Referring to death,
With reality.

When we have gifted the people,
And the room with our blessings,
We open our eyes to the works,
So he can teach us something.

He talks and explains,
The points of life.
What it is like to be,
One of his kind.

Stories spill out of him,
Yet still keeping time.
That's what a trained priest does,
Know what he says and why.

When he is finished,
We seal the lament,
With a silence,
One can only desire.

We pray and wish,
In our hopeless minds,
For our lives to become better,
For it to extend,
And for the love of our children.

And when all,
Is wished and said,
We leave the place,
And this wonderful, peaceful,
Religion.

My heart hammered in my chest,
Petrified, my vision was blurry
My body was shaking
From the reality before me.

His sharp teeth and pale lips
Pulled back into a hideous smirk,
His hollowed eyes
Filled to the brim with hunger
And his breath
Foul with every death
He had devoured.

My throat, constricted with
Anxiety
And my stomach
Screamed with uneasiness.

My living nightmare
Worse than I had ever imagined,
Feeding off of any hope left inside of me.

I could taste the bitter flavor of dread
Replacing any bit of courage inside of me.

I struggled to find air,
Terror gnawed at my heart
As he prowled closer.

I closed my eyes
Praying to whoever was out there
For a second chance.
Then cursing them
For letting this monster
Haunt me.

Everything I lived for
Would be gone within the next few moments
Tears of anxiety drenched my face
From the thoughts of losing everyone I cared for.

What did I do to deserve this?
Why have I wronged fate?
Why does fate bring this sinister creature to punish me?
Why? Why? Why?

I do not deserve this.
I will not be punished.
I will not let it end here.
I will not accept my fate.

I took in a deep breath
1…2…3

His distorted face so close to mine,
Leering at me.
My heart pounding against my chest
My mind screaming to run
But my eyes,
Stared dead straight into his vacant sockets.

With all the courage I could fathom,
I roared
“You are not me.
You’ll never be”
His stance faltered
My nerves no longer chained around me.
“You can’t control me,
You are not stronger than me.”
My bravery radiated
As he started to saunter back
Fear in his voided eyes.
His figure shrunk with every step.
“You are nothing but a monster,
A beast.
I will not let you define me.”
He fell back and squirmed under my gaze.
“I may fear you,
But that doesn’t mean I won’t fight you.
I will, and I have.
And  I won."

With that, he crawled into the shadows
Where he belonged.
But he always lurked,
Inside my own shadow, attached to me
He was always an unwanted guest.
But he never hurt me.
He knew if I could conquer the beast inside of me
I could conquer anything.

I can. And I will.
Nothing in this entire world can stop me.
*Nothing at all.

I stared at the big blue cloud,
It was in my hands,
It was so blue that it depressed me
But it was only fluffy candy

I picked a piece from the cloud
I digested it with my eyes and soul,
It was the brightness to a child's life
It was my only happiness

You look at candy,
As sweetness to your life,
but to me it was more,
It was the only freedom I had in the world

I bit into the blue sweetness
As it dissolved in my mouth,
It dissolved my pain,
I was sure everything would be fine again

Then, when the cotton got stuck between my teeth,
So did my hopes and dreams.
I felt like a fool for believing
A fool for trying

A tear slid down my cheek
Making the candy bittersweet
No Cotton Candy can make it go away
Rewrite my story

When they fought and screamed,
I'd try find my happy place,
Eat my sweet Blue Candy,
And just pray it away

I've tried everything
Clovers to Rabbit's Feet,
But this heavenly cloud
was the only price to pay

If my life was all drunk and dead
Would it **** to find my demise-free zone
And just eat some Cloudy Candy instead?

If wishes came true,
With every bite I took
I would have father with me
A Mother to love me

I kept eating the candy though
Even if it didn't taste heavenly anymore
Tears kept streaming down with every bite
I kept the harshness inside

The faster I ate, the more it hurt,
I couldn't swallow the lumps in my throat,
The pain developed inside of me,
Like a tumour, I was a waste, never needed.

You eat all the Candyfloss in the world, it won't work.
It just sweetens the pain, lessens the hurt.

Some find happiness easy to find,
Some find it hard.
I’m one of those people,
Who really don’t know.

 
But my days of sunshine,
Are gone for good.
I stare at the photo of us,
And can’t believe we were.
 

Why is it,
That when I’m happy,
Someone of something,
Decides to ruin it all?

 
I slowly eat my chocolate,
Letting the sweetness,
 Swallow my pain.
 

I throw the frame,
 To the ground.
Hearing the crash,
I pull myself together.


I take another bite of my chocolate,
As memories rush into my mind,
Of you and me loving each other,
As a tear slips down my eye.

 
I can’t keep it together,
My chocolate tastes sour,
What happened to us?
What happened to you?
 

My tears rush like a waterfall,
Creating a river around me,
My chocolate can’t do its job anymore,
It is no more sweet.


I drop the chocolate,
Hoping it would stop,
The taste,
The pain.
 

I still miss you,
So much, it hurts.
But you never gave me the love, 
Like the one the chocolate gave me.

Blue tulips, yellow flowers,
Pink clouds, purple sky.

Green leaves, brown ants,
Caramel skin, yellow sand.

Red apples, peach lines,
Orange sunset, Teal ties.

The world is a beautiful sight,
But my life in jail is just black and white.

Blue skies,
Green grass,
Pink flowers,
Red roses. 

White sheets,
Pale walls,
Cream lamps,
Oak boards.

Teal bands,
Purple earrings,
Orange dress,
Red bracelets.

Pink lips,
Olive skin,
Auburn hair,
Grey eyes.

There are so many colors,
 but the one,
that matches my soul,
 are all,
The Black paintings,
Of the world.

It's that feeling that resembles rejection which is so familiar,
It's comforting, and you can finally say:

**"I'm used to it."

Patient: B. Hypocrite

Feelings: Angry, frustrated, sad, confused, despaired, suicidal

In need of therapy (Yes/No)**: What's the point? I'm already a hopeless suicidal *freak.

I can't even remember the last time
I cried,
And someone held me close,
And told me it was going to be alright.

I drank from the beautiful crystal glass
Silently wishing it was your love
So I would keep it in me
Until it consumes me
And I would be surrounded by your love.

Standing in the bathroom,
I lock the door.
No guns,
No one would hear me.

I bend down,
Reach inside the cupboard,
Searching for something.
I find it.

My fingers curl,
Around a container,
And I shake it a bit,
I hear it.

My breath is shaky,
When I take out the pills,
This is what I want,
This is how it is going to be.

Tears fall,
I think of the words,
As I ***** the lid,
Off.

The computer screen,
Flashes in my mind,
I picture the words,
In front of my very eyes.

'***** ,
My hand goes in,
Grabs a pill,
And I put it between my lips.

'*****',
I swallow,
Tasting the disgust,
But reach down,
For more.

'****',
I grasp another,
But find it hard,
To swallow,
With the lump in my throat.

'***',
The tears streaming,
Can't stop my hand,
That reaches down,
As a sob escapes.

Four pills,
I feel drowsy,
But I keep going,
I need to do this.

Five pills,
I sob at the harsh words,
That flash again and again,
In my brain.

Six pills,
I hear the front door slam,
They know,
But I'm almost done.

Seven pills,
I see white,
I can't smile,
But I can see my future.

Eight pills,
I fall to the ground,
The bottle slips from my hand,
As I slip from the world.

*

I open my eyes,
To see my mother looking down,
I didn't do it,
I failed.

Breaking up.
The words still flashing before my eyes,
Days after you’ve said them.
I take another scoop of ice cream,
Trying to swallow down the lump in my throat.
I’m okay, I’m okay.
I see her hands in yours,
I’m not okay.
I cry, and cry and cry. Till it’s all out.
I think I feel better now,
Crying makes everything better.
I get a message from you
I still love you, even if it isn’t the same
But the words morph into
You’re still being friend zoned.
I sigh, refusing to cry again.
Closing my eyes and the darkness is blurred with images of you,
Of us,
Of *happiness.
Then my heart starts to ache again
My eyes snap wide open.
I won’t allow myself to go there again.
I take an elastic band and set to punish myself if I thought of you again.
One day,
Snap.
Two days,
Snap, snap
Three days,
Triple snap.
I think I’m bleeding
And it’s not just my heart.
So I switch to binge watching
While binge eating.
This feels better already
Then the couple on TV decide to kiss,
I hate TV.
I switch to talking.
Moaning,
Complaining,
Crying,
Venting,
Pitying.
Everythi­ng till I’m done feeling sorry for myself.
I stand up straighter and take a deep breath.
Then I get another message from you
You’re the greatest friend ever*
Sigh. I slump back
I hate you.
I’m not talking to you again.
That’s hard
So I drink.
Downing all my sorrows and problems with each shot.
Is it really that difficult to get over a breakup?
I mean, I’ve done it before, so I can do it again
Right?
Well, before him you weren’t in love.
******.
Another shot.
And then I’m done feeling groggy.
Done feeling helpless,
Hopeless,
Useless,
Love-less.
Who needs a man anyway?
I’m fine on my own.
So I smile.
I Laugh,
Have fun till the happiness inside me bursts out.
This feels good.*
The skies seem bluer and the grass feels greener.
I feel incredible.
And then,
Flashbacks.
Kissing,
Smiling,
Holding my hand,
The way you’re looking at me.
Oh great.
*Now I have to start again.

Dark.

Loving.

Depressed.

Shaded.

Black.
 
That's what I would use to describe her soul.

Her personality. 

Dark words,
Crossed out with red,
Red blood.

Her raven hair,
Shined.
But only,
Through darkest times.

Poison flowed,
Through her thin veins.
When cut,
She bled dark blood.

Her black wings,
Contrasted with her pale skin.
She lived and breathed,
The spirit of the dead.

Dark.

But she was beautiful.
So beautiful, she seemed fake.
Her love for me was undeniable/ unconditional.
Our feelings were mutual.

Her eyes only searched
For floating dead beings,
My face,
And my love.

We were opposites,
But that's what kept us closer than ever.

The kisses I leave across her body,
Are permanent in her head.
The words I whisper to her,
Are air to her delicate body.

Her eyes shine,
At my presence.
Darken,
At fake pleads.

Loving.

She is alone,
No family,
Except for me.
But she's what I need.

When she sings,
Her voice gets caught,
By the tears she refuses to let go.

When she sings,
She sings with symphonies,
A lullaby,
Referring to demise and love,
Which I realize is her one life.

Shaded.

A soul darker than night,
But only since she has a heart of a pessimist,
She can never find happiness,
Sometimes she can't with me.

She cries in her sleep,
Thinking no one can hear.
She wishes to forcefully bleed,
But I'm a wall standing between death and her

Dark.

I love her,
More than light,
But I only wish,
For her to be happy.

A beautiful face,
A black soul,
She is my,

Dark Angel.

I Love your poetry.

Your few words can portray emotions,
that take forever to get out into the open.

Every time I see,
your name in my notifications
I feel giddy
knowing a true poet has seen my poems,
out of all the better ones on this website.

First time I saw you,
you had talked about Hello Poetry,
and I thought of how wonderful,
you made it sound.

Because it is.

Every word you write,
has a heavy meaning.
And every punctuation you added,
carries a strong emotion.

Your simple wineglass,
seems to define so much,
yet nothing I could ever understand.

I just want you to know,
that your poetry is unique,
and if you are ever in need
of a helping hand,
I’ll be happy to give you my left.

So, keep this poem in mind,
because it took me so long to think of.
I couldn't digest the right words,
but they were there,
in the open air.

Your poems leave me speechless,
I guess.
Since I can't seem to compliment you,
that easily.

But if I were to just use words,
in no order,
they would be:

Spontaneous. Brilliant. Amazing. Magnificent.

To describe you through
your infinite poetry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I wasn't what you wanted.
I'm sorry I'm not your dream child.
I'm sorry I'm not beautiful.
I'm sorry I'm not smart.

I'm sorry I'm not talented,
That I didn't deserve your attention.
So sorry for not being popular,
Or thin and perfect.

I'm sorry I'm fat,
And I know I deserve this silent treatment.
I deserve the bullying,
The comments, the  glares.

I'm sorry my ruddy legs,
Only got me this far in life.
I'm sorry these red eyes,
Can't see anything but pity.

You haven't spoken to me in ages,
So I know you won't miss me.
You have ever asked me how I feel,
So I know you won't care.

I'm pretty sure you'd be happy
To see this letter.
You don't have to pretend,
You love me anymore.

I know.

You'll have the perfect family:
A rich Dad,
A happy Mom,
A beautiful Daughter and
A smart Son.

I know I don't fit here,
So there's no denying.

I'm sorry I have to do this,
But life doesn't want me here,
Or anywhere for that matter.

So I've decided to run away.
Alone.
No one needs me,
Believe me, I know.

I want you to know I love you,
Even if you don't.

Last of all,
I'm sorry I was never good enough.
Yes, I wish me to hell as well.

From,

**The daughter you never loved.

Everyone hates me.

They think I'm the bad guy.
I'm the hater.
The negative vibe.
The one who kills.
The Devil.

They don't think I have feelings.
They think I don't care,
That I like being here.
That it doesn't **** me
To have Satan as father.

Do you think I'm proud
That he was banished from heaven?
That I like
Watching people suffer?

Death is not my specialty-
It never was.
I pray secretly
For a better life.

Helping, apparently,
Is a sin.
The smell of demise
Leaves me melancholy.

My tears
Are tattooed on my face.

These harsh words
Have been engraved onto my skin.
I have never been happy
With a sinner for a dad.

How can I pray to God,
When he is the spoken enemy?

How can I hope
When it has been crushed by all his followers?

I don't have friends-
They're all scared of me.

I have only lived to see
Fear.
No one has ever loved these red eyes.

Red from crying.
Red from hurting.
Red from a broken heart.

I can only write my ache.
But no matter how I try,
No one can relate.
Or care.

The worst kind of pain
Is the one that cannot be described.

That's me,
The indescribable agony.

I cannot eat my anxiety-
I will only throw it up.
I cannot cry about my eating habits,
I will only get angered.

If I consume the food
I see right now,
It will only come out as river
From my lips.
But if I don’t eat
I will starve.
I guess
Hunger goes both ways.

I could drink, however,
Or down my pills.
They only control the sane part of me.
Rather, the part that can be controlled.
But, they don’t know about the other side.
The side that plots plans,
Plans to do things I shouldn’t.
The side that believes in the wrong things.
Convinces me I am never worth it.

I overdose,
Hoping it will demolish that side.
But sometimes,
That’s not all it demolishes

Which leads to sleepless nights.
Where I only wake up earlier than before,
Until sleep is an enemy.
Sometimes I know I can’t do it
So I lock myself up tight
Only to stop breathing.
I wake up with slightest of amnesia,
And I always wish it would’ve stayed that way.

Which takes me on the path to depression-
My greatest fear.
Dull mornings,
No light comes through.
The night is day-
And it stays that way.

Beauty stops existing.
Hatred to the world and me is all.
This is when throwing up is ok.
I just wish my heart and soul would
Resurface as well.

Endless crying,
Hatred.  Anger.
Sometimes I get happy-
But it never is real.

No one wants this-
But it had to happen to someone, right?
And it had to be me.
At least, not everyone is like this.
Not everyone is demoralized as me.
Times like these, I Look forward to death.

One less broken person in the world,
Disordered and all.

It's sad,
How I can only get the words
'I Love You'
When I'm not sober,
But badly drunk.
And you end up thinking,
I don't.
And I try so hard,
To tell you,
But fate thinks otherwise.

We are the Dupids,
The two of us,
We search for love,
Then crumple it up.

Instead of love arrows,
We shoot poison darts,
We crush their souls,
And rip them apart.

The sight of two, 
disgusts us to death,
Then when we have run out of darts,
We are in total debt.

We don't love, 
We aim to hate,
We don't care if we go to hell
We will face our fate.

Those stupid hormones,
We'd **** them if we could,
We hate their stupid love stuff,
We would rip it, yes we would.

But unfortunately for me,
I have been struck by Cupid,
I'm falling hard,
I am no more a Dupid.

I dance,
Because I have to.

For the love of dance?
Hell no.
For the love of the examiner.

My teacher's words,
Screaming constantly into my ears.
What I was doing was wrong,
I would never get points for that.

Smile, not for the audience,
But because the examiner doesn't like
Glum faces.

Oh whatever happened,
To the true meaning of Dance?

I don't know.
It's gone,
just like my happiness,
and hopes,
of being better.

My jumps are not filled with beauty,
but sweat.
My pointe work does not look amazing;
It looks tiresome.

Is there ever going to be a day,
When exams don't matter?
No.
Never.
It will forever count
As my life.

People think I have a choice-
I don't.

I can't dance without being judged;
Heck, dancing is nothing without judgement.
Beg for mercy?
Never.
I'm not weak.

Yes, ballet, to me, is like war
Between me and my teacher,
or maybe me and everyone who thinks otherwise.

I'm nearing my Waterloo,
but I won't surrender yet.

But, maybe I have.

I have been brainwashed.
All I want now is good grades.
A distinction.

I don't love dance,
I do it for everyone else who does.

If you look closely,
You can see my tiresome face,
but soulless eyes.

No one understands,
what I’m trying to say,
so I stop trying.

Yes, I've given up.

I don't dance for myself,
I dance for the examiner.

I never knew that walking into a room would change my life.

People would debate on my life and death,
Bringing people in and out,
Asking for evidence,
While I just sit there,
Quiet.

The next step of my life is judged,
By a bunch of people in white wigs,
And the majesty herself.

A guard came over,
Grabbed me by the wrists,
Cuffed them,
And took me away.

Now I'm in a room,
Where the eyes of pity and anger,
Are placed upon me.

I cannot look at anyone,
So I look down,
But I feel their glare burning my soul.

I see a red head,
In the biggest seat,
And realize,
It's Queen Elizabeth herself.

My nerves put me under pressure,
I'm not sure about anything anymore,
Am I going to die, or am I going to live?

I was forced into a seat,
As the light shone on me,
And everyone looked and stared.

The woman was tall in her high chair,
so was everyone,
But me.

She quietly said some words
stating my "crime"
Even though I was perfectly not guilty.

I was silenced to not say a word.
People framed me,
But I did no wrong.

I needed to get away,
 But my plans were ruined,
As someone came in,
And the doors were locked.

No windows for air.
And I heard the man speak,
But no truth came out.

One by one,
People spoke against me,
And I knew that I was not lucky.

My heart began to beat,
When the Queen looked at me,
And I could only see disgust in her eyes.

When the final man,
Left the room,
It was clear,
The answer in their eyes.

I couldn't understand,
That a room full of people hated me,
And not one thought otherwise.

Everyone held their breaths,
And looked at the lady,
Even though we all knew what was to come.

She screamed 'guilty' 
and the whole place erupted.
Tears fell down my eyes,
No one loved me,
At all.

The guards took me outside,
Where the gloomy morning hit my face,
Everyone followed out,
To witness my death.

My head was forced onto the block,
Which fitted neatly.
My hands were tied behind me back,
And my whole life flashed in front of me.

The executioner entered the outside,
Placing the axe at my head,
As he lifted I thought about,
All the people who wanted me dead.

"I promise you, mother, I will do my best.
I'll haunt their dreams,
Until they forgive."

Sweat trickled down my sacked head,
My heart faster than a cheetah,
My body shaking under the sky,
This was my final cry.

And the sound of crows echoed the open at the sudden sound of death.

I know you won't fall for me,
But you will fall eventually,
And when you do
I promise she'll be there to catch you.