funny how
I lie to myself
and pretend
everything is
okay
getting better
when I am really
just shoving my
depression
to the side
ignoring her
and pretending
she is starting
to wane.

I am not
getting better.
I am still
hurting those who love me
and getting upset
when they speak
on how
I have hurt them.
it's like,
I know.
I know I am horrible.
I am stupid.
unthankful.
so why do I
keep doing it
why won't I
change
I'll wait
on these steps
in the cold
rain

the rain that earlier
seemed peaceful
relaxing
now to me
it seems
crushing
bearing the weight
of my faults
with each drop
that hits
pushing me
farther
towards the ground
until I am nothing
but the pile
of snot
tears
and rain

I want to be nothing
yet
I want to feel
love
and intimacy

why don't I just
give up
why don't I just
stop
talking
to anyone in my life
maybe
if I disappear
from others
I will begin
to disappear
myself.

I just want to cry.

every tear that falls
carries
a piece of my soul
that will drip
and fall onto the pavement
never to come back
to the vessel that is myself
again

hibernating
for two days
good morning
is at
4:30
in the afternoon.

let me hold you
while I hibernate
let me
wrap my legs
around you
become
one
with your body
our dreams
intertwining
into the same
cloud
above our heads

the same
cloud
above me
right now.
the drizzle
from our dreams
speckles
my head
the pieces of them
raining lightly
on me
as I wake myself up
with the afternoon air

let's run naked
in our dreams
soak
ourselves
in the rain
I always thought it
to be
relaxing

good morning

the soft,
farmiliar
fuzziness
of your blanket.
the humbling
wall art
comforting
house
a place
where you feel
safe.

the movie
starts.

walls
become tall
narrow,
you never noticed
the way the
darkness
lingers
in the far back corner
so that you
are never quite sure
of what
could be hiding there.

even after
you turn on the lights
you still
tiptoe
through the hallway
peeking
at every turn
swear
you heard something
swear
it's hiding
waiting to get you
scamper
to your bedroom
lock
the door
fall asleep
with the lights on

little did you know
it appears
when you are
asleep.
lurking
watching your every
toss and turn
waiting
for the perfect chance
to strike.

don't
close your eyes
don't
sleep
it will
devour
you.

sweet
release!
finally able
to get myself off.
maybe
the depression
is waning.
maybe
I am finding light
in the dark places.
never been more thankful
for ******
in my life.

as long as I can have *******,
if nothing else,
this life is worth living.
give me back
my lust.
that is what I will
steal
back
first.
lust is passion
getting
passion
back.
I will always live
with you

you are like
the racist grandmother
who I
am forced to take care of.
can't just
get rid of you
have to wait
till you die.
wondering
how
someone
something
so negative
could be a part
of my heritage
myself
oh, well
I have finally
found a way
to shut
you up.
tune
you out.

love you
at times
for making me
aware
of my flaws.
though
I will not
be consumed
by them.
I have strengths
too.

cheers to
the shred of hope
the light
I glimpse
as I'm trying
to find
my way out
of this cave
I've been lost in
for weeks.
the cave
of depression.
******
is the light.

laughing
laughing that
something so ridiculous
could have shown me
maybe
I am getting better
maybe
it's not entirely
all bad.
laugh
with me
***
with me
we will
get out
of this mess.

wouldn't call it
insomnia
I haven't even
tried
to rest my head
and sleep.
forcing
myself to stay awake
because the time
before drifting
asleep
is the worst.

it's easier
when someone
is next to me.
I could
hold you
feel your heat
against me
hug
you
cuddle
you

even though
I am small
being the big spoon
is my favorite.

craving intimacy.
but when
I receive it
I end up
pushing
it
away.

I used
to search
for attention;
anyone
to talk to
anyone
so I wouldn't
be alone
with my thoughts.
I've stopped
looking for
my
satisfaction
in others

"love yourself,
or no one
else
will,"
that's a lie.
others
can, and
will love me
but I can't
accept
that love
return
that love

it's just unfair
to them.

I don't want to fall asleep.
not
the sleep part
but
the falling.
the time with my mind
alone.
although I lack
an internal monologue
I still
feel.
my thoughts
are not words
they are
feelings.
when I write
I make them
words.
when I
am falling
asleep
alone
those feelings
are
unavoidable

wouldn't call it
insomnia
just
forcing myself to stay
awake.

wouldn't call it
an eating disorder
just
not making myself
eat.

wouldn't call it
addiction
just
the way I miss you
sober.

wouldn't call it
life
just
a tragic comedy
the
lament
of
me.

the star
obliviously
makes her
rotations
of life
around
the black hole
glowing
shining
fiery
pits of hell
if you get close,
but providing
warmth
and life
to her planets
that stay
far enough
away

naive
creature
born maybe
closer to the black
hole
than others
doesn't
notice it
as
out of the ordinary
anything
other
than her life

each
movement she makes
she will
be closer
to her destination
closer
to her destiny

took me
twenty years
of life
until I realized
the full force
of my depression

only when
she got close enough
did she realize
she was falling
into
the black
hole
that this
was what
wanted
her energy
her mass
herself
*******
pulling
with more force
than anything
she had ever
experienced

the realization
that her
entire life
was spent
waiting
to be devoured
by this
hell
oblivion
all she knew
was a
fabrication
never even
thought to wonder
what
she was circling
just
ignored
the glaring questions
ignored
the evidence
ignored
all of the signs
until
it was too late
to escape

event horizon

help me

i am trying
to gather
the momentum
strength
power
to get myself
outside
this point
of no
return
seems
impossible
seems
wasted
I won't stop
until I am devoured alive

I am the star
at an
event horizon

black hole
let me
free