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 Apr 2014 Azrael-Always
Danni
I learned to never idolize again.
Never have another hero.
Idols and heroes,
they're only here to disappoint.

In a world of people who cheat
        and lie,
how should they be any different?
They lead me on
and leave me in the ditch.

I'm done with heroes,
done with idols.
Have to find new motivators,
those that are not living,
that cannot die.
Gotta work on my mind
and never idolize.
Don't ever fall in love with a poet
because they will indeed admire and watch your every move
they will write about how the pen marks on the side of your palm when you write
don't ever because they will trace
every single freckle you have on your face and
write about the color of each and every one of them and
describe how they smile so brightly under the sunlight
they will want you to want to know every little thing about them
even if it's just what hand they write with and want you
to be wondering why they write with that specific hand when in
reality it doesn't even matter

the poet will watch the way you dig
your eyes onto that book and your small quick remarks onto the 26 letters all crumpled together and will know that everyday at 5:28 p.m. you smile

they will look deeply into your eyes
to see if they can at least take a little
peak of your soul and they will write
about you like if you were the only
thing they see good in this world

they will want to know what you think
about when you look at them and
see if you also count each and
every freckle and hope and write  
that you do but they will
love you endlessly and they will
show you that they love you and only you

but don't date a poet if you aren't
capable to watch them and
admire their imperfections
when they sleep late at night
beside you.

j.f
I'm writing you this letter because I have no address to send it to, and our relationship is such as it is that if I ever see you again and tried to speak, I would flounder upon the words. All these years later, I still receive visits from you in my dreams. I'll turn and almost expect to see you sitting beside me in the car, or reading in the park when I take my lunch break. I can still remember exactly how you felt in my arms, can still taste you if I think hard enough. The journal we shared found it's final flight from my arms in the only city I ever loved, the city that has changed me so much from the boy that didn't know what to do with a love like yours. That journal full of memories, full of who we used to be, has been brought to it's final home by the Atlantic tides. What's left of the romantic in me likes to believe it was found and read by someone who needed to know that portion of our stories. I've come full circle now I think, and I'm still grappling with the same questions I was then, still locked in combat with myself. I know that you're happy though, wherever you are. My heart still tells me that much. I hope that you've been able to turn forward and live for life's sake, and if you have, please send some of that my way. I could use some of that light you always carried with you now.
 Apr 2014 Azrael-Always
Riot
amanda
 Apr 2014 Azrael-Always
Riot
One two three four
Turn around and shut the door
Five six seven eight
You say you love me
But now it's too late…
amanda
my never ending story begins here.
when i was in 7th grade
i would go on webcam with my friends
so i could meet and and talk to new people
and the compliments did not end…
then…
someone said
“show me a little more of your beauty”
i was in seventh grade
nieve i didn’t care
then 1 year later
a facebook message told me
that picture is still there
amanda
the man who sent this message to me
new everything about me
how he got that information
i don’t know
but on christmas break
i didn’t think anything of it
it was too late
for him to do anything
my life was great
but a knock knock knock at 4 am
change the way i felt
my picture was sent to everyone
i felt like i was in hell
this lead to anxiety
all the time i tried to hide me
amanda
didn’t want to go out in summer
because i knew that mistake would find me
amanda
and it did
it found me in different substances and alcohol
my anxiety got worse than it ever was before  
a year past and the man sent me the list of my new school and friends
just when i thought the torcher would end
but it got worse
this time it was a facebook page
the picture of my “beauty” was his profile
i
amanda
cried every night
lost my friends and respect again
walked down the hall being called names
being judged
again
i would never get that photo back
it was out there forever
so i started to cut
and i promised myself never
i had no friends
sat at lunch alone
so i moved schools again
just to be alone
but it was better this time
a month later i started talking to an old friend
he was a guy
we texted back and forth
and it was kinda nice
but then it got better
and he said he liked me
but he had a girlfriend
but he still liked me
so one day he said
“come over, my gf is away”
so like the teenager i was
i
amanda
made a mistake
we
got together
i thought he liked me
but just like every other
that mistake found me
one week later he texted me
amanda
saying
“get out of your school amanda ”
his gf and fifteen others came to find me
amanda
her and to other just stood there and said nobody liked me
amanda
a guy said in the background
“just punch her already”
so she did
she threw me to the ground
and punched me
amanda
over and over again
but the worst part was it was taped
and i was left there
alone
amanda
a joke in this world
nobody deserved this
this hurt of the world
i lied and said it was my fault
that i told him to do it
i didn’t want him to get hurt
and it’s no different if they put me through it
because i thought he liked me
amanda
there was one person in the world
who like me
but he just wanted what i could give him
so i just layed in a ditch all day
feeling like nothing was right
until my dad found me
and brought me home that night
i wanted it to be over
i wanted to stop the pain
so when i got home i drank bleach
and thought the pain would go away
it killed me inside but not out
so the ambulance came
and saved me
but i was still dead without a doubt
because on facebook
they said
she deserved it
i hope AMANDA is dead
and i tried so hard but i couldn’t get those words out of my head
and i didn’t want to press charges so i changed schools instead
i
amanda
just wanted to move on
but i was being tagged with pictures of bleach on facebook
how could i
they wanted me gone
i
amanda
a person
made a mistake
and on my story video
the comments
i could not take
the last words i read were
darwin at it’s best
but i’m just amanda
no more perfect than the rest
 Apr 2014 Azrael-Always
pam
my mom told me to explain
so i did, i explained every pain.
everything, but she didnt believe me again.
she said she knows im lying, im insane.

im telling you i was telling the truth.
but no one believed me.

she gave me a second chance
she said explain everything and tell me the truth
i just sat there
not even looking at her
she shouted im only gonna say that once
so i gave her a glance
i didnt bother to speak
for what?
even tho
i'll explain everything, the truth
she still wont believe me.

im over it, cause i said my sorrys
she said her sorrys too.
but still, i felt miserable.
cause *the one who i thought would always believe me
just told me that no one will believe me.
Heart thumping
Face on the desk
We're talking about suicide
And I know what comes next

She tells us not to look
We have to close our eyes
She says it's an anonymous survey
And I wonder if I should lie

Raising our hands is a yes
And everything inside me
Screams no while I
Try to calm my bouncing knee

I raise a tentative hand
When she asks if we've considered suicide
That tentative hand raise is the largest step I've taken
And part of me feels peace deep down inside
In Health class today we were talking about suicide and she told us to close our eyes and put our heads on the desk and she asked us a few questions about suicide and I've never told anyone blatantly that I've been suicidal so this is a small step I suppose.
One well versed enough in Philosophy
"knows" that nothing is ever quite true.
I mean a lot to people, but I don't mean a lot to me....
;-;
 Apr 2014 Azrael-Always
Joe Cole
Though you be many miles away
We'll never be apart
I just reach out my hand
To feel the beating of your hearts
Lioness, she
unsheaths claws
Tongue and teeth and flesh,
All yours,
Prey devoured,
She-cat
Roars.
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