My inbox is full of messages
I am too afraid to send
They say
"I care about you
and wish things didn't end"

I would wrap my arms around you
and I would hold your heart whenever you need to sleep
and I would shed tears for you
and I would hug your legs to make you feel grounded again.

You are the sun peaking out on a cloudy day, the first chord, the guitar riff, the floating in calm water.
You are the breath of sharp, cool air and the smell of fresh grass, earthy mist, and cinnamon.
You are the sun as it peaks out for a moment to kiss my face and I grin. Loving you is pure bliss.

I imagine us sitting on a dock on lake Michigan for the fourth of July, at the edge of daylight, with our toes dipped in the cold calm water where leaves drift and lay to rest.
We hum and I pull your hands to my chest in an act of patriotism to young love and being vulnerable.
Time feels still when I look into your bright green eyes, fireworks spark and reflect on your glasses in the best way.
My cheeks are red but I don't mind. I will carry this smile for the rest of my life.

The night I left
  you were sitting in your chair with your head in your hands.
Trying to understand what went wrong
  when it was me all along.
I looked around the room and something felt off.
Music softly humming
  filling the space like a ghost.
I walked to the window to get some fresh air
  as I struggled to catch my breath
  and drew the curtains to find concrete and I wept.
I packed my things and said my goodbyes.
Telling you I didn't love you and I was wasting my time.
I thought distance could fix all my issues
  and I would finally feel the breeze through satin curtains
  but those windows proved to be concrete as well.

I always thought therapy was all long talks and revelations
Self discoveries and dissecting emotions
No one told me how much pain I would be in
Digging up the graves of my nightmares and sins
Panic attacks every night
Too numb to cry
Too anxious to lie
Obsessive about everything
Impulsive about nothing
I just want to be able to be at home
Without feeling completely alone
So what will it take?
What do I do?
So I can get better too

My bones creek like the floor boards in your house
We sat on your sun-kissed couch as you unbuttoned my blouse
With my eyes closed I felt the soft warmth of your hands and lips
But opened my eyes to realize it was just your ghost

It's a beautiful thing
To fall in love with someone
And for them to reciprocate