03.09.2013
i've gone to bed around 7 today. the feeling of being awake without you is becoming unbearable. i still don't understand why you left. i never got any explanation. i miss you. everything is so cold. i think i want to die.

31.10.2013
i tried using ***** to make someone's lips taste like yours. but when i kissed them it felt like i was pouring my blood into a bottomless vase and everyone could see how i was failing miserably at trying to fill an empty well with a handful of water.

14.11.2013
i barely leave the house because i'm afraid that i might see you with him. you always look so happy. why do you look so happy without me. you said you loved me.

22.12.2013
i tried turning my sadness into a corpse of words and the burying it in 6 feet of blank pages, but every night i am visited by the ghost of the feelings i attempted to forget.

03.01.2014
it's been so long since i've had alcohol in my system. i've become numb enough to no longer need substances to make me forget whatever is happening around me. the pain has faded over time, but i still don't feel any less dead, let alone alive.

10.02.2014
my parents keep asking me why i'm always so quiet. thing is that i could never answer them, because your name is constantly clogging my throat. i see you in everything around me and late-night breezes have started to sound like lost echoes of your voice. your smell is still clinging to my sheets. god, help me.

15.03.2014
i'm drunk again. i miss you and everything hurts. i couldn't resist. i'm sorry i'm so sorry i'm so so sorry i love you i miss you please come back i love you i love y

There is a darkness in the depths of the heart,
A darkness so consuming and overwhelming,
Able to govern the entire human existence: mind, body and soul.

It is ever evolving to deceive its victims,
To pull them by their toes into utmost  insanity,
Utter unhappiness and painful disposition.
This darkness pervades all,
Eludes all and in doing so,
Corrupts the ever-pure tabula rasa of the innocent.

The innocent turn dark.

But in their darkness,
For every smile and laugh,
There must be good,
There must be happiness,
There must be light.

It is this light that shines through a heart of darkness,
That is able to pervade through the charred sanctities of life,
That can create the slightest keyhole in a resoundingly locked door,
That gives the will to continue,
To search,
And to live.

In every person's heart there is a candle.
A source of light,
A source of happiness
And of serene peace.

Yet,
*It is only able to serve those who light it.

When
my body starts to
shake, I imagine the
worst thing that could
happen. There's a riot
in my heart, ambulances
speeding along the
veins in my wrists.

My blood can paint
firetrucks that
hose down the cities
and bridges I've burned.
My lungs: a house on
fire, smoke floating out
of mouths and charred
skin pealing away
like dandelion seeds
on a summer day.

This is chaos and I could
find beauty in it. I could paint
a picture for each of my nightmares
that I dream in color. I could call
empty streets Home
and I could pretend that thunderstorms
are really angels crying for me
and that the mud I roll myself in
is their wet mascara.

But sometimes its easier
to be compassionless
to myself, and sometimes
I feel better after imagining the
worst, because I'm not there yet.

One day you will love someone with a depth that will rattle your soul. She will proclaim her love for you too and promise you a love full of faithfulness, patience, understanding, respect, reciprocation and appreciation of the gift that you are giving to her.

But in a couple of months karma steps in and her mask will fall away. You will be faced with your twin and will be dealt a hand specially laid for the unforgiven.

You felt no true remorse for the agony you caused me, the one who gave you the gift you reserved for this pretender. You returned only cruelty, hate, and anger.

Now that your heart is finally opened and you have put your all on the line; your heart will surely be broken as she returns each of your sins against the one whose love was pure and true.

This demon will repeatedly deceive you as she cheats on you so very many times. And with each subsequent affair,  your tenderly exposed heart will shatter, you will remember when you did the same to me.

With every lie, abuse and every manipulation, when her venomous nature literally brings you to your knees, maybe you will then remember and finally understand how you almost killed me.

I hope one day after all of this you're not lying in a hospital bed, in agony and your heart so literally broken that you are saying your final good bye and thinking of all the you dreamt of with her, she doesn't abandon you to die like you did to me.

I wish that you would discover right now that my love is pure and honest and I am broken by your selfish heart. That you will feel the real love that you need to so you truly understand just what you've done and feel real remorse and change it before I have to move on.

Only then can you avoid the karma that will seek to make you come undone.

A twisted game we play each day, month after month, and now year after year.

The game of your favorite elementary school bully who played till it brought you to tears.

You leap and you jump with all of your might to get the treasure back, and when you find yourself still empty handed, you cannot hold the tears back.

Frustration and anger, disappointment and pain, as your bully laughs in your face and continues his game.

This game has gone on for two long years, I have cried far too many tears as you play your twisted little game.

Although you are amused at how I leap, jump and beg for your heart which you dangle above my head, this game is heartbreaking and I'm am weary.

I won't keep playing keep away and finding myself, the only one truly in love, broken and teary.

Sitting in the sun alone
not feeling the same warmth
you give me when you wrap
me up in your arms. Should
i blame the universe today for
not making me see you on this
lonely sad Saturday. If the people heard me would they call me
insane ? The winds ruffle through
my hair but i shut my eyes and imagine you there. Imagine your fingers running through the silky strings of it telling me how smooth
it feels on your hands. As i watch
you sniff it the way you sniff the perfume from my skin. Sitting in
the sun is not as fun as when your around. Swinging our feet from
the hazel nut brown bench. Drowning in giggles and words of love.
Blushing the way flowers do when they look at you. Oh darling if only you knew how i miss you on this
sad blue Saturday* ~

I ask you for a smile and you hand me a crushing blow.
I turn to you for comfort from the pain you have caused in hopes that you will embrace me and erase the tear stains from my face, you run a blade of anger and bitterness in my heart.
And then, for only a moment, you will reach to me with the promise of love, you are in need of love, support and encouragement.
I will not hesitate to freely give it, even knowing that you will turn savage once again and devour the heart that lifted you up.
I hear your voice please to me for patience, understanding and guidance; all of which are immediately delivered and once you feel result you decide I need to be punished for loving you.
I offer you repeated opportunities to quiet the raging storm of agony and anger, but I am struck until I bleed for being so arrogant to assume that I could help you with love.
If you loved me you would stop whipping my already shredded skin and heal my wounds with the love and peace you keep promising......some day.
I beg you for mercy and give you unconditional love, and your response?
Ultimate rejection coupled with one more emotional assault.
Have I not bled enough? Are there not enough gaping wounds in my soul?
Where is your heart burried that you refuse to see me lying weeping on the floor asking for mercy and only for you to accept my heart and me?
How is it that you could find my soul's deepest desire insufficient?
I mourn the death of my hopes for us, and have only dreams left of the man I fell in love with.
Broken

I want to love you with reckless abandon, no concerns of betrayal, no doubt about your love for me, no fear of ultimate rejection.

I want to hold you close, feel the warmth of your body, listen to the slow beat of your heart, knowing it is filled with love for me.

I want to traverse the seemingly endless expanse of your mind, vanquishing your doubts, fears, and sadness.

I want to shed light on the darkest recesses of your soul and vigorously trample the evil that haunts you, I want to set you free.

I desire with all my soul to bring you peace, joy, and comfort.

I beg God for the opportunity to show you the sweetness of life, to endlessly kiss your lips with the nectar of unconditional love.

I beg for your heart to open and accept me, all of me, without any hesitation.

May I be so blessed that you will love me this deeply and freely. Let me live in your heart my sweet angel, show me you love me, and I will bring you all I am and all I ever will be.