I realized something about myself,
That wasn't what it seemed to be.
I can whether any circumstance,
I'll make it through and be just fine,
No matter what.
And I found such relief in that moment -
Assurance, solace, peace.
Then more time passed, and passed, and passed,
And now I can only laugh and grit my teeth
Thinking back on my own naivety.
Because now I know what it really means,
I will never see the end - never see the light.
I'll just carry on and on and on,
And it builds up inside, so quickly
Too quickly.
And it's so ******* heavy, actually
And I am just so ******* tired
Of all this ******* trudging.

I have dubbed today Saturday Two
But there is no such thing as Saturday Two
Therefore, today is not real
So I shouldn't feel bad for doing nothing all day
Because today has never existed, anyway
And at the end of the day, nothing is real
But if nothing IS real, then I'll have to own up
As nothing turns to regret faster than lack of productivity
And tomorrow dreads it, every time
However, if ALL is nothing, then I'll regret nothing at all
Least of which would be doing nothing at all
Because I'll know that at the end of the day
I could have done nothing, anyway
Today is everything, because all is nothing
Oh how I love today

Once, the static in my brain
Aligned so perfectly with the rushing in my veins
That it became central to my consciousness.
Perceived by my ears as an ever-rising crescendo,
My heart swelled, radiating pin-****** - painfully,
Down to my fingertips.
I was immobilized by dread,
And capitulation to fear was imminent,
As I realized the presence
Of an unwelcome and terminal essence;
It was striving for control, unwilling to settle for less.
I at first tried to fight- but the hold was too strong;
My limbs were too weak to fend for myself,
My mind too frantic to offer help -
So I accommodated instead, and ever since.

I can never do the one thing I want the most to do,
I can only - suddenly: fear,
Encroaching shadows.
Blindsided, I wish I could say. But no.
Not quite.
Doubt shrouds my intentions,
Like a cloud blocking out - no, an eclipse,
Predetermined intervals of near complete darkness,
A pattern of uncertainty, a seeming dichotomy-
But reliable nonetheless...
All the same.
Ordered chaos; predictable, unwelcome, regrettable.
Torturous, truly.
Light again, passing by, gone again-
Always.
Never.
I can never do the one thing I want the most to do.
I can only do the one thing I am wont the most to do.
And I am helpless to it all.
Lost to it all.
It is a cruel discrepancy.

Within the rings of trees and layers of rocks
Lie countless hours - so many lost,
Time that was wasted, never regained,
Until regret and comeuppance were all that remained.

Daydream my day away,
I can't wait;
Maybe two good things will coincide.

The thing is
It’s my ******* problem,
Mine alone -
I can’t put that on you.
It’s my own fault,
For feasting on scraps,
Tossed my way
With vague intentions.
I even told myself then,
When I first earned your favor,
To prepare for the worst;
I was bound to get burned.
But it just wasn’t that easy -
I closed my eyes for just a moment,
And liked, too much, what I saw:
A glorious reconciliation
Between my desires and your intentions.
But when I opened them again,
It just wasn’t the same;
I borrowed hope from a daydream,
And have lived in misery ever since.