I've been called many things
Unsavoury and unkind
Words that strangle what little hope
I've stored in myself
What little light
That's been left
A flame so heavily guarded
Yet barely burning

I've been called many things
Crazy
Sometimes I crumble within myself
Forgetting where I am
Who I am
Who I've been
Who I could be
Wishing I could just spotaneously
Not be

I've been called many things
Emotionally draining
How is it that I feel everything?
And then nothing?
Instantaneously

I just want to feel again
I just want to feel real
I just want to remember that
I'm more than these names
These things
These afterthoughts that
For some reason
You decided to impart on me

I've been called many things
Things I didn't want
Things that aren't me
Things that barely touch the idea of me

Among these things
These verbal illustrations of my personhood
Disconnect
Alienating and cold
Misconstrued and yet so sharp
Ambiguous yet so sure

I have been called many things
But never yours

There are fires raging inside me
Flames so fierce and abundant
Mistaken for warmth
By you
Yet so eager to burn
Your fingertips
As you reach into my soul with every
Glance in my direction
Every utterance
And every breath you take

I am not golden
I do not mold and melt
Under the pressures
Of your condescending gaze
The etching on my naked body
Pay tribute to the electricity
Running through my veins

What you see as a natural disaster
Is but a natural wonder to another
My fury floods
My passion flows
But enough about the me that you didn't --
Bother to get to know

I am not a force to be reckoned with
The coals of my pain are everlasting
Full of the cracks and abrasions
Of acquaintance's past
I am volcanic
And not afraid of harming you

I wonder when I'll hear from you
Will I hear from you?
I guess these things have their own rhythm
A course of actions
Unfolding at the precise moments
That they need to

A cadence
Sometimes so bold
So quick and fiery
It makes me melt
It makes me bend
It makes me feel conscious again

Then it fades
Goes cold and crumbling
It's as if
The landscapes of our fate
Were barren to begin with

In this time of fluidity
Of movement and transition
I want to feel grounded

I want to feel like I belong
Together with you
Do I?
Or am I just waiting?
For these moments that seem like they're fading

To conflate into a meaning
A purpose
A feeling
That I've been missing all along?

I wanted to grow
Transform
Expand
And just...
Move on

I am utterly transfixed
that across this span of dust
mixed with an impossible amount of energy
and chemical compositions
the coffee stains on the corners
of those books in my bag
filled with words of dead men
that did not know me
or love me
like you did
how did I get so lucky
to breathe in the same atmosphere as you
for, if only briefly
in simultaneously
beautifully synchronized in our existence

like fleshy flowers you arose,
cellular and beautifully composed.

It's hard to breathe when all your regrets are bouncing in your chest
that hollowness
and the never-ending echo that vibrates throughout my entire body

Have I made a mistake?

All the connecting, glowing, and seemingly sweet certainties have faded

I stand here stricken
My accomplishments in hand
And crumbling

Pieces of the last few years forming into an outline of your face

My fingertips pulsate with warmth as i recall your touch

I've never felt anything
Anyone
So perfect

So smooth and soft and unreal

Moments like these never last, do they?

We were so tired and yet so eager
To intertwine

Fixated on deep breathing
The flavours of eachother's mouths
And the momentary synchronisation of our existences

You're always so busy

And i'm always leaving

It hurts to entertain the idea
Beyond temporariness
But i can't help myself

I know you told me to say it less and yet
I am still sorry

I will always wish for a chance to get to know you
And for that I am not sorry

For once

overused and undervalued
so predictable
practically mechanical
the seemingly fitting overature
to each new leaf
of the vines and flora that populate my heart
the emotions that bud and bloom
at the beginning of each soft
bright
and most certain alive
glimpse of a new beginning


with these words
i built a bridge towards you
closer and closer
enveloping  as a structure
composed with care
decorated with consideration
and endless admiration for you


i am terrified
utterly petrified
that i have built a bridge to oblivion
the destination nonexistent
and the reciprocation void

last night i killed myself
for the thousandth time
trying to reorientate
reinvent
reimagine who i am
my soul was unwound
the threads extending
frayed and yet interweaving
forming
into someone
possibly
that you may give
a singular chance
or wandering thought to

And after all has been said
And done
I still haven’t succeeded in killing myself yet —
So who’s really won?
Still breathing
But still numb

I can't tell if you're still around
Because you want to be
Or because you've got no one else

Between humid dew and gilded light you ventured
Drinking in earthy mahogany hues
Men spoilt from their discomfort beside you
Touched by their patronage
You bloomed

Flowering tales of a world
On the cusp of progress and historical legacy
The torn flesh of your snowy mare
The warmth of blood and terror

Dripping
Peeling
Decaying

With my eyes
I taste your fear

and despite my initial doubts
i've learned
i am learning
to live
breathe
and dream
without you
or your ghost's curvature
peering over my shoulder
and pleading within my soft
fragile
barren
mind

I am standing in the doorway
And it is 2:37 in the morning

There are people smoking
And people talking
And all I see is you looking at me

Afraid to move
Afraid to make a connection
Afraid to potentially feel like
This isn't some passing moment

Where I'll hold your hand
Maybe kiss you
Discover all your favourite things
And see how the align with mine

A moment where
We'll lay in your bed
Barely touching
Because we already feel warmth

Each story and detail is like
A breath of
Potential
To love
To befriend
To remember

I am standing in the doorway
And I'm unsure of what to come
I am blind
I am deaf
I am disconnected

I see how the moonlight hits your face
I smell the moisture in the air
It is 2:38 in the morning
And I don't know why you are here

A superficial outline of my fantasies
An idea come to life
I've imagined an entire narrative where
Something happened
Something was there

As I stand in the doorway
I watch you whisper the lyrics
Of songs you love

Noting each melody
Each singular note
Each pause
I am besotted

I am standing in the doorway
It is 2:39 in the morning
I am pondering
And grieving  
What could've been
And will never be

And when I hear you speak
With joy and sunshine in your words
I can't help but wonder
How all this light
All this love
All this joy
Came from the ruins
Of a soul once burned black

This liminal romance
I am transformed
Reborn anew

She said she didn't mind
If you stayed for a minute
A season
Or a lifetime

I'm on my way
Towards feeling the same

the wisps of breath
that cloud my conscience
when you speak to me
is unbearable

i am flooded
with the disillusions
that have begun
to blossom and bloom

as the dust settles
and the cracks
of my existence
that you've left behind
crumble beneath my skin

i am the carvings
of the world you choose to leave behind
the world you chose to create
but never to love

When I say your name
My voice changes
Elevations of pitch and clarity
Bounces in my chest for a short while
Echoes of feelings most tender
Oh how I long for you

If you were a song I would play you completely wrong
Because the notes of your internal harmony
Change whenever I encounter them
And I rather have you think I was
Absent-minded
Than ever admit to you how
Entranced I am of
Your entire being

When I say your name I feel this
Magnetism, a glow, a resonance, a
Deep compulsion to just exist in
Conjunction with you
Oh how I long for you

When I say your name
The phantom of your face manifests
Behind my eyelids
From time to time
As I chase spans of light and
Dark through imagined terrain

Completely consumed by the ethereal
And impossible
Oh how I long for you

When you say my name
You are hollow

Why is it so difficult to be taken seriously?
Every cell in my body feels like it's burning
I'm hurting
I want to die
Everything feels wrong and I am increasingly more anywhere
But here
I am floating
Crumbling
Burning in real time
Is anyone listening to me right now?
How fierce is the male ego?
How many ounces of self-worth and peace of mind does it take
To cushion your fall?
It's been almost two and a half months
Since I last felt at home in my skin
All because you were scared of being wrong
And honest

I never knew we’d be on this journey together
And I never knew how quickly we’d say goodbye
A decade or so of memories made and quickly faded
When I thought it would be at least a lifetime

Scraped knees and unfinished lyrics
To some unwritten song you heard in your head
A song about me

You carefully pried the confidence from my core
Bonded it with yours
And in that moment it felt like we were the same person
Breathing
And bleeding
And on the verge of breaking

We’d become entangled in each other
Sharing cigarettes and mouthfuls of golden ales
Bites of gooey grilled cheeses
Thick with summer and excessive amounts of butter

I cried a lot
You sweat a lot
We couldn’t find a way to exist
In the same space
Or even in the same trajectory

Our innocence and sincerity drowned us
Not the poison of my words
Or the decadence of your disregard
For anything I wanted or had to say

No, it was the purity
It was the rawness
The gritty conversations at daybreak

Where the salt water stained our nostrils
And we shivered by the waves
When we saw the dawn illuminate
The faults of our connection

I needed you more than you ever wanted me
I hated you more than you ever loved me
And I loved you more than I loved myself

I valued the fringes of who I was
I didn’t think about who’d I’d get to be
And looking back
I’m glad we said goodbye
I’m content with the plans of us
As never

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to drown
It must be cold
It must be dark

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to not wake up
It must be cold
It must be dark

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to have someone love you
It must be sweet
It must be warm

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to breathe
It must be hard
Oh, it's hard

The woman downstairs is angry
She asks:
Why do you shut the stars out and not let the moonlight in?
I think, but not say:
Listen *****, the night is bright and bustling
And I just want to ******* sleep
I want to forget the pleasantries and just heal
From the day, the week, the year
Of this seemingly inconvenient life of mine
Hating yourself is easier in the dark
Being hopeful seems easier when nobody is looking
I just want to ******* sleep