jag skulle ljuga om jag inte erkände att jag minns dig
jag minns hur din famn var som en vagga för min trötta kropp
jag minns hur ditt leende satte ett stopp på allt jag trodde att jag var
för med dig så räckte inte mina andetag eller trösten jag trodde skulle göra dig hel
det räckte inte med maten jag fyllde din kyl med eller när jag träffade dina vänner som kollade på tjejer som om de vore tårtor i ett skyltfönster
precis som du gjorde

du höll upp mig med ett snöre med saxen nära till hands
snälla klipp ner mig och låt mig träffa marken innan du hinner skada mig igen
tänk om jag hade sagt så
tänk om jag sa åt dig att sluta
istället lät du mig vakna i fläckar av blod och i en kropp som inte längre kändes som min
men du lät mig aldrig vara ledsen för det var ju din själ som skulle vara trasig
det var ju du som förtjänade sympati
för en gång sa du ju
                                      f ö r l å t
och om jag inte säger okej till allt du vill så är det mitt eget fel
det är mitt fel att dina ögon inte längre är blå
men att mitt lår är lila från ditt grepp

jag minns den mörka parkeringsplatsen och hur jag gick från skratt till chock av din hand runt min hals
tänk om det hade varit suddigt som en dröm
istället minns jag mer än jag önskar
hur allt var så naturligt och självklart för dig
och då var det redan för sent att säga nej
min rygg mot din vägg blev min plats och jag skämdes över såren som du skapade
för kanske var det jag som låtit dem ta form
smärta
du bar en mantel av svek och ändå kunde jag inte se igenom dig

din skönhet försvann i ögonblicket mitt namn och våldtäkt nämndes i samma mening
men även nu känns det fortfarande som att jag vill säga okej
att allt är...
                    okej

I finally wrote a poem
and it was about you
but I’m no longer sure that I know who you are
and the colours you leave seem bleak and tired
the pills let me fall asleep
yet I still dream of you

the dreams aren’t nightmares
and that’s more than I can say about my conscious mind
it spins on a wheel like a hamster runs without a goal
and I’m chasing proof of my feelings
perhaps a medal to symbolize that I truly tried
tried to make you care
waiting for a message
I hope it took you longer than two seconds to write
I’m sick of sending paragraphs if I never get one back

I remember poems about happier times
words like candy, eyes and love
now the only candy I see are the ones displayed to taunt me
the eyes I’m met with are filled with discontent
a longing
of which is not for me
but the love I feel still shows its presence
for it laughs in my face and it calls me naive
it presses nails to my palms and an itch in my throat
holds me down and begs me to come up

underwater
I don’t like the droplets in my eyes
the stains they leave on my cheeks
nor the redness they bring to my whites
yet it persists and doesn’t say a word when it comes
instead it holds the door open as soon as it leaves
“I’ll be right back”
and it’s telling the truth

I don’t tell the truth
lies come easy and I wonder how that happened
for I wonder if I’m a victim of nurture or if it’s faulty wiring of my own
does it even matter if no one listens?
that’s another lie
for I know people would listen
and I curse myself for not thinking that’s enough
because what if you don’t want to listen?
I always lend you my ear
still afraid of the day you won’t return the favour

boys and men with their frizzy hair and baggy clothes
veins decorating hands and dirt trapped under nails
hands and nails of which have touched me
hands and nails of which have stained me
they tell me not to cry, yet they do anything to cause the tears
still I have seen some of them cry
the tears that make their irises brighter
for they bring redness to their whites
yet boys and men are quick to wipe them away

I hope they lay awake at night and remember what they did
while I continue cursing myself for feeling so much
for all I know is that
I am so terrifyingly good at making people fall out of love with me

Dagen jag inte vaknar och mitt huvud ligger tungt kvar på kudden
Dagen då mitt hjärta somnat och mina leder stelnat till
Dagen du vaknar utan mig vid din sida och dagen du kommer hem till ett hus där jag inte längre bor

När breven har blivit för många och bläcket i pennan tagit ****
När mina fötter blivit för trötta och rört marken för sista gången
När du inte längre behöver trösta mig eller säga att allt kommer bli okej
För allt har redan blivit okej

När jag inte kan ta emot kramar och inte kan säga hejdå
För min rätt till hejdå var förbrukad så fort jag insåg att jag kanske aldrig vaknar igen
Och hur den tanken kändes bra
Jag hoppas att du inte behövde se mig så
Jag hoppas att du ringde någon och jag hoppas att alla kan förlåta mig på det sättet jag aldrig kunde förlåta mig själv

I sat on your windowsill and you were paranoid about your car
I filled your fridge and your freezer and I cooked even if you didn’t ask
you’d grab me hard from behind with a look in your eyes that I couldn’t quite place
you didn’t know how to clean and you kept the same sheets for way too long
despite the blood stains I’d left on them
I finally let you read my poems but I don’t think you ever understood them
they’re not flawless so it’s okay
the places you went to were lame but I didn’t dare to tell you
turns out my friend didn’t like you and it may be inappropriate to choke me in your car
to think my neck was left blue from the way you’d attack it
but I’m young and I thought that was affection and what *** was like
because you were older and you liked ***
I think you liked it a lot
sometimes I didn’t want to but maybe I should give up just for you because maybe that’s what love is
you must know more than me
you got drunk way too easily and then you’d be over me again
but that’s what I see in movies and what I read in books so it must be okay
I think your taste in music is bad and your friends are immature
you let them know you were inside of me an hour ago
but I suppose it’s okay even if it feels strange hearing you say it
I didn’t cover up my bruises when I met your family and only your father mentioned it
but that just made it worse
we stayed up late and sometimes I’d follow you to work
that’s where you saw me cry for the first time
I cried a lot that day
it hurts to think about that sometimes and that’s why I’m getting help
because I cry when I put on makeup and I cry when I see your clothes
I can’t wear that same perfume and I’m always on edge
you said it’s my fault because you warned me and said sorry
but I don’t think you can feel remorse if you don’t know what you’re apologizing
for
you made me feel like I was crazy and then I stopped answering your texts
I said okay
and then I left

tunga täcken och dina andetag
bläcket i din hud och dina fina ord
jag glömmer nästan att sängen är dekorerad med mitt blod
fläckar som du låter finnas kvar

du känns som mitt paradis
för ibland vill du hålla om mig
men oftast vill du ha mer
dina händer är för ivriga och blåmärken är bevis
du ser ledsen ut men du fortsätter ändå
jag tror att det är okej för du vill ju ha mig

jag vill gråta
du vill romantisera
du säger ju att jag är fin när jag gråter
även när det är du som orsakat tårarna
gillar du det?
är du stolt?
för mina ögon brinner när dina bara är blå

jag är en saga och du är min prins
det finns ingen krona på ditt huvud
så du låter makten koras i dina händer istället
men det är
                      okej
vi är okej

du greppar hårt och blåser på såren
lämnar mig för ett bloss från cigaretten
jag känner lukten av rök på dina kläder
men jag vet att jag inte ska fråga
aldrig ifrågasätta
för då hade jag kanske sett
att dina ord var mjuka men din säng var hård
att dina löften vara stora men dina lögner var större
jag faller alltid för dig ändå

jag håller dig i handen och allt jag säger är fel
mina kläder är värdelösa
mina ord är ett evigt eko
du varnar och du säger
                                           f ö r l å t
men du vet aldrig vad du ber om ursäkt för

alkohol i vårt blod och mina tårar på din kudde
din själ som låtsas vara trasig
min själ som skriker ditt namn
aldrig någonsin hittar de till varandra igen
för illusionen är förstörd och till **** får jag syn
du är inget mästerverk och jag tycker synd om de andra
de som ser när dina ögon blir mörka
de som ser dina läppar runt en flaska

mörka väggar och du är borta
någon dag kommer du få höra
om natten jag spenderade hos din vän
eller telefonsamtalen från personen du träffade senast för en kvart sen
viskningar på stan och folk som ser igenom dig
du är en kliché
och inget känns okej längre

he came, i cried
a blanket wrapped around me and a bra I’ve just unclasped
because he asked me to
they always do
I fall into pattern and I do as he pleases
and he tells me it’s on my conditions
and I’m too tired of definitions
for I don’t know what’s right or wrong
I’m afraid he’s just like them
and I’m so sick of wearing a thong
fluttering eyelashes and doing makeup only for him
my worth boiled down to a simple *** doll
tell me to reach for the alcohol
at least that makes me feel better for a while
when he’s not around
he’s n o t around

whirlwinds dust ashes
it wanders and follows your every step
your hair turns into moss, your fingertips connect with your accomplice
someday you will have to saw them in two
I wonder if your laugh will be the same once its your fingers under the blade
you’re turning bald and your nose is merely a button
can you smell the stench you create every time you lower your lip?
do you see the trail of destruction?

your bed is a coffin
your heart is non-existent
it’s a shame your teeth don’t even match the vision
your eyes aren’t rubies and your gums aren’t ******
glory is fictious, horns are the dream
not even that is what it may seem
for your head is a block of dirt and your thoughts are deflated
perhaps the worms came and ate them
perhaps they feast on you the same way you feast on me

except you don’t
the feast is your imagination
your perception is pitiful
you are forever insubstantial

why do I write when I’m sad?
how do I express emotions when they aren’t bad?
I’ve got my mind turned off and my ghost is asleep
I replaced him with my soul and traded love for spontaneity
a disembodied existence
incorporeity

value connection and protection
but never hold your words
they escape the weak grip of your promises like hummingbirds
premises of sobriety and vandalizing the heart of your lover
games and rules we never follow
declare yourself the oracle of Apollo

villains of the world and ink in your skin
tell ourselves we practice deadly sin
reflection in the mirror and that wicked look you carry
they know you’re not here to Hail Mary

abuse with no release
I feel sorry for them and you’re not a masterpiece
prove it with marks on my neck
show you the bruise on my thigh
I’ve finally escaped your high

lighting is dim but defined with a flash
her fingers reach to put her bra into place
she bought it a week ago and it’s all lined with lace
she fluffs up her hair with a strand behind her ear
she remembers when this moment brought her fear

it’s 11:00pm and the bra will stay on until 11:05pm
her makeup is long wear and it starts to hurt her eyes
but she knows her eyeliner will paralyze glamorize and hypnotize
duty
obligation or free will?

her body sheds the last piece of clothing
she knows now’s the time to start moaning
they won’t notice how forced it feels
she’s already got them head over heels
their mind stops working or at least that’s what they say
what’s more important than their lust?
project your important with every ******

she’s a product of their imagination
she’s an object
or at least that’s what they make it seem
she’s to do whatever they dream

***** talk, slow blinking and a kiss
soft caresses or hard slaps
soon they’ll line her arms with straps
tied tied tied
or free free free
what’s control and where does it end?
was this ever a way to mend?

I’m *** *** *** *** ***
is my worth portrayed in the pleasure?
is there any other way to measure?
how should I view myself
if all other people see is themself

empower
support but never consider
all the ways in which you hurt her
don’t come around and don’t touch me there
don’t rip apart my underwear

I still touch and I still come around
I’m your personal little playground

she saw it on her clothes
the rips and tears the hanging threads
she saw it on her body
the skin and marks imbedded in her cells
when her life is pointless and she draws parallels
between highs and the percentage of the bottle in her hand
but she’s a coward and it all tastes the same
instead of this she’ll be seated on a witness stand
let the rage begin let your thoughts pour out
but never mind because no one is here and you’re pathetic
there’s no point, stop thrashing around!
the sky is empty and you’re the devil
sit back and watch the angels who leave you
they will revel

she will call out and hope for a single word for that’s more than she’s heard
in the last days weeks or eternity
paint your ugly eyes with burgundy

she sees her mirror but not herself
a ghost or silhouette or someone posing to appear attractive
everything is retroactive
her legs are torn her arms are worn
she’s easy and she’s too nice
trust me you won’t need to tell her twice

she is pained
I saw that she cried after she came
she was alone in bed
she won’t get that image out of her head
she’s spiraling
I’m spiraling
her and I her and I
it all equals me
she’s fictive and it’s my disguise
I’m alone
anyone please talk me down

there’s smoke in your lungs and under the kitchen fan
I protect my breathing with a clasp of my hand
you sit by yourself and the words you must’ve spoken were minimal
for I don’t have memories of you in my childhood
you push me out the door and I surrender to the couch
dad told me that he cried

you’re out in the garden and I think that’s nice
sometimes you even photograph butterflies
you hate cooking but you do it every once in a while
you told me dad always offered wine

I sit in a chair and remember your words
I look down at myself and I don’t see my worth
a beach in a foreign country or the swimming lessons at school
they’ll always force me to jump in the pool
I’ll cry as I write
I’ll stain every paper
who ever told you that you are the gatekeeper?

years and years and there’s still tears
but they may be drying down
and maybe one day I can look at you in the eye
you’re not evil
you’re insensitive
yet I could never question someone so authoritative

she drinks peach flavoured ice-tea but it doesn’t quench her thirst
she’s taking off her jacket and she’s warm
maybe it’s because her heart will burst
from all the love she carries inside it
her nails are painted against her will
I cut the split ends of her hair while I give her a pill
she lets me know the sound of me breathing brings calm to her mind
if that’s the case I’ll keep my breaths refined

we stole that shirt together
she says it’s okay for they’re corrupt
and that’s why we’re allowed to disrupt
we take the train with an unknown destination
she may rest her head against the window
just the sight brings me inspiration

we’ll destroy our town with propaganda
we say the police are cruel and dumb
she's disguised as sweeter than cherry plum
one day we’ll travel far and wide
soon enough we’ll be running away
I love her more for every day

black and red paint has stained the skin of my arms
one could call them proof of what’s happened
or perhaps a constellation
a representation or a manifestation
of what’s got my mind running too fast for my body to keep up
distraction is momentary and the clouds always come back
night time
darkness
the dinner table with a dish laid out
a pressure on my chest or an illusion of your eyes and smile
are you here?
where have you gone?

tomorrow I’ll clean up and the paint lining my arms will wash out
maybe it left a mark
I know myself and I know I always doubt
I doubt in myself and the interest of people around me
perhaps I’m the embodiment of delusion as I portray myself as artsy
truth is I probably can’t paint for **** and I only follow the lines
I write poems but they’re not concise
I patch up the hole in my jeans the same way I patch up myself
it’s messily done and the seams will tear apart
kind of like my heart

calling out for you seems impossible
I don’t know if it’s you or me that’s locked away
at this point I’d submit and pray
to an all godly power or a made up portrait of a saviour
I know it’s not for me
is eternal longing my life sentence?
will the paint ever wash out?
my punishment is set
do I have the right to complain?

please let me know you’re safe

I gave my heart a microphone
and now it cannot stop yelling
it forms a mouth and the words that leave burn my insides
I reach to protect my ears
for the screams my heart creates will forever stain my hearing

my heart demands a stage with the brightest of spotlights
it yells for a pristine red carpet to be laid along its way
thread in a needle and it all takes its shape
I put myself to work

I beg for a quiet moment but now it wants a mute audience
my heart is a puppeteer and it’s got me on strings
hands are tied and I fear that the duct tape is next
it keeps on yelling and I know to shut my mouth

I’ve put a pen in my hand
my heart gave me paper
now it wants me to write out every word it says
write about how my chest is bleeding and my throat is locked
write about the lack of meaning and hope inside this heart
tell whoever reads these words that the writer is flawed

now I’m yelling louder than ever
for everything ******* hurts
my heart is me and it’s hanging on for dear life
it’s torn around the edges and I don’t think it looks right
everything’s wrong and I don’t know how to fix it
my heart is yelling
please listen

his eyes turn the lightest shade of blue when despondency takes over
I can’t see myself but I’m sure my eyes aren’t as significant
my heart erupts onto my sleeves and my makeup is ruined
I couldn’t care less

he’s the master of concealing what’s held captive in his mind
I long for the day I can catch a glimpse
but it’s not my right to force the key
even though freeing him from the cage is all I desire

I told him uncertainty is my frailty
but there’s no doubt in my mind that he’s worth every moment
for time has moved faster than I expected
and I’m madly in love with him

and I know I’m shedding tears and he blames himself
but what’s the use in that?
I’ll take the momentary despair
for every other second spent with him
attaches wings onto my shoulder blades
I can fly above the clouds

one day I’ll be able to bring him fairy dust
one day he’ll look in the mirror
and he’ll finally see the person I’ve always seen
he’s the definition of love
he’s my love

she lined the floor with squares of stone with cement in between
footsteps will echo and perhaps never cease to exist
although she may not want to admit
I think she fell and hurt her mind
on the perfectly imperfect stones she created for herself

did the echo ever bounce off the walls?
your head is damaged, darling
it’s all within the sphere of your mind
but do not fret
they come bearing bandages made of thorns and barbed wire
it may cut up your skin but what does that matter?
you’re already bleeding

please accept this gift of insanity
your thoughts are safe inside your broken shell
let them seep through the wounds
we’re just a friendly audience
let us applaud you for your sacrifice
oh my, I’m glad I brought you those stones
even happier that you supplied the cement

oh the feeling of your hands as they graze against my skin
how protected I feel with your arms around me
my legs will wrap around you
and my toes will curl with every move
stay with me like this forever
or at least for as long as you’ll have me
you’re like sugar coursing through my bloodstream
and suddenly I’m addicted to candy

you’ve got me wrapped around your finger
but baby, for once I’m not afraid to trust
I will dare to say that you’ve given me the greatest gift of them all
for you’ve made life a fairytale and I still can’t fathom
how my heart doesn’t just beat for survival
it beats for you

my lungs will fill with the air you’ve exhaled
and I will cherish every breath
my gaze will settle onto yours and I swear I’m close to drowning in your eyes
this must be what living feels like

my heart has been portrayed as fragile
I painted an image of a beat so slow it shouldn’t keep me alive
I thought it was smithereens of what it used to be
my mind has kept me in the dark
for my heart isn’t bleeding

I feel safe with your arms wrapped around me
you shield me from a world that scares me
when I’m with you I feel a high that no cloud can beat
the sky turns dark and for once I feel protected

your voice is like the sweetness of honey
eyes are glimmering like the most precious gems
I want to get lost in them again
“you are beautiful”

I feel you inch closer and everything feels right
for your lips are soft as they touch mine
and your smile is the most beautiful sight
I think I’m addicted to your touch

I’m unfamiliar with the feelings that have inhabited my heart
I promise you that I’ve never felt this before
the thought of holding a special place within you is what keeps me going
counting down the days till we meet again
I’ve told you a thousand times how much I miss you
but you miss me too
and I couldn’t be more grateful

you’ve been a blanket for my heart
the warmth is trapped under you spell and the flutter
of butterfly wings
is a fresh breeze that delicately washes over me
the features of your face are not yet memorized
but I’d be happy to let the tips of my fingers trace the outlines

get acquainted with my touch and make it a part of your day
let the stress escape your shoulders and submit to my care
for all I want is for you to be glad

thoughts of infatuation bring fear into my mind
vulnerability is a scary curse and I’ve yet to completely yield in to it
I’m used to hiding behind a shield made of the hardest metal
how did you manage to loosen my grip on it?

you’re a dream reincarnated and I can’t see how I’m worthy
why am I suddenly stuck on a ride with an unknown destination?
I’m afraid I no longer have the power to hit the brakes
will I conquer my resistance?

I’ve bought a ticket and I’m paying the price
but so far I’m pleased
for you may be a well needed change and my heart may thank you
let’s drive away
I’ll let you come closer

losing your mind is the most addictive drug
one can never know when you come down from your bittersweet high
little bunny
are you scared of me again?
have I ever told you to shut your ******* mouth?

my favourite colour is now blue
the royal kind of blue that will swallow you whole if you get too close
bunny dear
have I ever told you I love you?

why are my legs not carrying me faster?
why am I not ******* running until I collapse once more?
take these pills and let them travel through your veins
they’ll destroy your teeth but isn’t that what you want?
bunny
I can’t bite you anymore

lay your trust in fate, astrology, a god our two
let them take the blame for what you do
sweet bunny
how did it turn out like this?
why are you chasing after me?

I’ll sing a song for you
I’ll tear apart the lyrics and do anything to distract you
please don’t hurt me again
bunny
you’re the sweetest demon I’ve ever met
but please don’t let me drink that

everything is calm
I’m okay
let’s look past the toxic truth and live within denial
my darling bunny
I regret what I said
you’re the most addictive drug and I’ll never doubt your words
I’ll accept that you’ve got your nest in my brain
but please don’t tear my body apart again

it sits as a stone tilted on the left side of her chest
beat is shallow or enough to shake a village
the magnificence seems dim and the clock is working too fast
for the mechanism is flawless until it isn’t
and time is not forever stuck in shackles of waiting

steps will be timid and minuscule
but nerves will start shaking and movement will demand more
hair will not halt in growth and a broken watch is never a
representation of actuality
willing back to life will only go so far when the moon rotates
on its axis
ignorance is bliss until you’re enlightened

skin will graze against skin
soft lips will utter words of consolation
for comfort is the height of denial in which we all want to embrace
and although we remain fragile
although we will fade into anonymity
taking solace in distress may be the way to go
for what is breathing if air tastes like dread

she’s been holding back
and now the storm will hit
with the power of lightning bringing
luminescence to her heart
she feels the overwhelming stun of revelation wash over her
and her surface cracks
her eyes open

tears escape her and the disquiet takes its place
what would she be without this?
she grasps onto illusions of ambition
and maybe her breath will once again
fill her lungs
perhaps her senses will come back
what if the storm was just temporary
will she ever trust herself again?

chemicals will run through her body
and maybe they’ll help her
for one day she may notice
that her heart was never stained
and her brain won’t lose its focus

I don’t like my bed
blankets and pillows
a glass on the bedside table
do I wish it was stronger?
perhaps I want the contents
of said glass
to taste like wine

sleep is distant
although I’m tired
I can never catch some rest
my bed is not a sacred place
for it is tainted with
imaginations
speculations

I imagine a day
where you show up at my
front door
paint me into corners
play me like a game of chess
you will always win

I don’t like my bed
for all it reminds me of is
my filthy conscience

she's a seashell
waiting for someone to
bring her home
the sea will wash over her
and with every wave
she's dragged further
away

she's a damaged seashell
you won't find her
on the beach of your dreams
her colour is dull
it would never get your attention

the rosey exquisite shell
the one you want
it will never be her

she will stay in the sea
the sand will scratch her surface
with every stroke of the water

she will wither away
and you will never know
that she once existed

my neck is decorated
with a necklace tight enough
to almost hurt

i like it
but my mind stops
and i feel the necklace
turn black

i visualize your hand
as it grips my neck
and suddenly the necklace
is blood red

am i bruised
your handprint will always
be a crude reminder
of how much i hate
my necklace

she’s painted by a strong desire
her skin is delicate
heart even more
she’s a work of art
hiding her secrets within a vault
a vault no key of yours can open

her hair is blonde and shines in the sun
her feet hurt from running
for she may intrigue but you’ll never see
who she turns to when in need
her lungs too weak to carry
a sound so frail
you won’t hear it

but she flips through vinyl records
flicks her cheap paintbrush
turns the world to colours
for her mind is grey
exterior is yellow

caramel and mocha lattes coat our tongues
I can feel the taste
with every kiss
sound around is nonexistent
serenity is total
oh
I’m ashamed
for I miss it so much

time goes by
we meet again
but it is different
for now I can’t feel your lips
on mine
but if I could
my lips would not be caramel
now replaced with chai