maybe i fell  in  love  with the
way  you  would  look  at  me
and look away when i caught
you staring or maybe i fell  in
love  with  your   smile  when
you felt brave enough to keep
your gaze and maybe i fell  in
love   with   your  demanding
personality and your reckless
ability to abandon everything
or  maybe  i  fell  in  love with
your     dreams,     fears     and
twisted    thoughts   and   you
only   fell   in   love   with  my
s      u      r        f       a      c      e

to the first girl i loved;

it still pains me to refer to you as that - the girl i loved first. i feel like so much pain lies in a single phrase; it's such a thing of the past yet there's something so infinite about it

there are so many things i wish i knew from the start like how a simple string of words like the first ones of this letter could hollow me out even more,

like how the pain of you leaving me was so indescribable yet so vivid and striking,

like how love can be so fulfilling yet be so incredibly, indefinitely, and intensely emptying,

like how hard it is to relearn how to sleep, and that when i do learn it, relearn the art of not dreaming about you,

however, i felt like there was something so inevitable about us that it was too obvious to ignore

there is no denying that between two lovers, there will always be one who ends up giving too much, emptying themselves to fill the other, the one who ends up loving more

i knew from the start that i was going to be the one who ended up losing my heart to a girl who wouldn't let me into hers

i'm sorry i expected, i'm sorry i gave you something you never really wanted

__

to you;

i'm sorry that i can't bring myself to reply to your letters

it's not that i'm selfish or that i'm ignoring you; i just don't want to inflict you more pain when pain was all i ever gave to you

it is true, i guess, that you loved me more but i'm sorry you're left with that mindset. i wish i could tell you that one day, you'd find your equilibrium and that i'm sorry it wasn't me.

it's really something
how quickly things can change
how one poem ago
you were back
in my bed
in my heart
how one poem ago
you accidentally called me honey
in the middle
of a flirtatious conversation
and every time after that
was on purpose
if you ask me
there are no such thing
as accidents
I would tell you there is no
such thing
as coincidence
that you are only setting yourself
up
for failure
by choosing to believe
in miracles
if you asked me
I would tell you
a long time ago
many
many poems ago
I believed in love
at first sight
and
soul mates
and fate
but the truth is
these beliefs are built
on a quicksand foundation
of lust
and naivety
and sheer
stupidity
love
is the hardest part
of living
the deadliest war
to sign up for
your heart
is not a soldier
you
are not
a battleground
this love
is guerrilla warfare
that wink
this grin
those hands on my hips
these lips
on my neck
your breath
in my ear
my name
on your tongue
this
is
war
one poem ago
we were asleep
like lazy lovers
on a sunday afternoon
one poem ago
the sound of you
moaning my name
has seared itself
back into
my brain
one poem ago
I love you so
much that I say
I will never
let you go
and this morning
you are severing
your own arms
just to escape from
my grasp