You always said I didn't love you enough
That my eyes were always fixated on something more marvelous than the beauty on your face
And that my mind was always wandering into old memories that made me happier than you did
But I'd always assure you that my love for you was infinite
And my heart would sigh from the frustration of my continuous lie
I really did love you though
Just not the way you hoped for
You wanted fireworks in my eyes
Yet they barely glistened
And for that I am sorry
Because I was too afraid to hold you close to me
In fear of my heart holding onto something so tightly that it suffocates it
You were so precious
And you fell in love with a coward that couldn't wipe away your tears
Because I was too busy trying not to drown in my own sorrow and mistakes
Someone who couldn't love you enough because love was a terrifying leap into an endless pit of the unknowing
And the thought of falling so hard into my own hopelessness was something I could never find the courage to do

You are perfect
I am a coward.

I just wanted to know if you could feel me through the air you breathe
If there was an absence inside your chest from the moment we decided our hearts didn't fit like they used to

Do you scream yourself awake at night because the sudden urge of falling reminds you of the day we met
And you knew from that moment that your entire world was about to come crashing down
But it didn't matter because we were going to create something so marvelous even God would envy us

It's funny how we thought nothing could stop us
But fate wanted us to fall in love just to sit back and tear us apart for nothing more than a good laugh
And we were too broken to try and pick up the pieces because it didn't seem worth it to get our hands *****

Now we wonder how it ever felt so right to be entangled in each other's hearts
When trying to break free felt like standing over the edge and asking yourself if it would really hurt to die
Because we knew letting go meant cutting off the part of us that meant the most
But love is a gamble and we were too afraid to lose so much again

Hi, God. I'd tell you how I've been, but I know you already know. I wish I could lie and tell you I've been good. That everything is perfect and happiness is just beaming from my permanent smile. Those are superfluous words though. And there's no sense wasting our time on matters that don't exist.

I've been wanting to know how you've been. I just feel like our conversations have been kind of one sided. I keep talking about things you know, but for what? For reassurance? For you to tell me that it's okay, because we're all sinners and it's what you expect? I don't want to be like this though. Like them. This really can't be all I am. I wont accept that. I can't.

I wish you would talk to me. I know you hear what I'm saying. So, if you're listening why won't you answer? What do I have to do to hear your voice just once. I just want to know that I'll be okay. Even if this world is just seeping with chaos. I want to know that there's more to life than this. I'm sure you spend most of your day with your face in your hands because you gave us so much, but for what? All we do is throw it back in your face like we could have created something better.

Please just tell me how your day's been. I'm sure it's been great. I'm sure you're laughing at all the ways we try so hard to do things thinking we don't need your guiding hand. Did someone make you cry? Did someone make you question why something you created to define beauty turned out to be something so ugly and sinister? How did I make you feel today? I just hope you're happy. I hope you're not disappointed in me because I know I've let you down. I love you. I'm not good at showing it, but I do.

Well, I guess I'll talk to you again later. Have a good day.

I hope you get to feel what it's like to have a life and not be numbered by days where you can only hope to make it through
Because I can't imagine a life without your heartbeat
And I swear to God if you die I'll never feel alive again

Just the thought of not being able to hold you makes me want to *****
Because loving you is the only thing I know how to do
And I can't bare to say I love you to a ghost

I know it might be asking for a lot
But my knees are caked with blood from my constant begging
And I just need you to stay with me a little longer
Because a day without you would feel like a day without breathing
And my throat is raw from screaming out your name too much

So please don't leave me

Is love not supposed to come in the form of abuse
Am I not supposed to accept every repeated excuse
When you say you love me
Is it intended to be true
Because you want me to say it back
Like the only person for me is you
But the only person for you is who you want it to be
And sometimes it's her
And sometimes it's me
Sometimes I wish I could just be free
But you have this grasp that i can't escape
I love you so much, yet it feels like hate
I tried so hard to be the one you needed
I gave all I had and still never succeeded
You keep saying you love me
But at what point will you mean it
I keep saying I love you
But now I dont think I mean it

One day you'll realize that it was not love that broke your heart, but your perception of it

That when the tidal waves crashed upon the shore you were the one who followed them back to sea
Hoping that the waves would drift you off to a place like the one you created in your head

But love is not a land of make believe and fairytales
Yet we try so hard to find the same emotion we see in a movie or read in a book

We are searching for a feeling that someone else created because they were daydreaming about the perfect kind of love
But perfection is a figment of the imagination

And until the day we realize how much power three words can withhold we will never truly know what love is or how it feels

Because we are fools desperate for a feeling we think we need

I want to love you but you're like artwork
Like a masterpiece with the most exquisite detail
Something you can't help but marvel at
As if God created you just to show us how beautiful heaven is
So utterly perfect that touching you would be unthinkable
Like one of the most deadliest sins because you can't risk ruining a single fiber of your being
But I love you so much
My God, I love you

I need to love you because you are my oxygen
You are the blood in my veins making my heart beat
But it's beating too fast
And I don't know how to look at you and not feel like my ribcage is trying to open itself up to let you in
And it hurts so badly but when is love ever a walk in the park
I have been crawling on my knees down this broken road just for the chance to hold your hand
Just to feel the temperature of your skin as it courses through me like an electrical shock
So please love me
My God, please just love me

I never understood how the palms of your hands felt like home to me
Or how your smile was the only thing bright enough to light the darkness inside my soul
But you built up castles from my broken pieces
And I never thought anything so damaged could look so beautiful

I loved you with a slow pulse and aching heart beat

I loved you with broken lungs and sharp breaths

I loved you with bleeding knuckles and burning tears

I loved you with empty words and trembling lips

I loved you with hopeless thoughts and too much ambition

I loved you with open arms and a hollow chest

I loved you with a million promises and screaming vanities

I loved you with caring hands and broken bones

I loved you with a bitter tongue and starry eyes

I loved you with open scars and the thought of forever

I loved you with fear and never giving up

Goodbye tastes like whiskey on a cold, lonely night
And my hands search the air for any sign of your love
But my heart is frostbitten from the cold shoulder you've been giving me

I try to tell myself that this is all just a bad dream
But my words won't register in my brain
Because my body is trying to tell me how badly it misses your touch

Sometimes I hold my breath and try to imagine what it feels like to be dead
But there's no use in pretending when my insides have been rotting since you said I would never be the one
And that phrase has danced around my thoughts every single day until I carved it into every inch of who I am
Because you were everything to me
And I've never felt more worthless than the ground you walked on until I saw how genuine your smile was with someone else

Trying to forget you is like trying to find my way out of a maze that keeps changing

Trying not to love you is like ripping out my heart and pretending it doesn't hurt

Trying to move on is like forcing myself to believe I never cared in the first place

Trying not to fall apart is like trying to ignore everyone of your words as they tear through my skin every time I try to breathe

Ink smeared pages where I tried to write out how much I painfully loved you
But the words are impossible to read through tear stains

Walls crumbling from all the times you just couldn't take it and said you wished it was me
But I could still feel every hit as your chaos ran through my veins

Screaming over the sounds of your hopeless expressions
Because your eyes always said too much
And I know the end is close to my fingertips

Vacant spaces between my fingers where your hands used to be
And my chest feels hollow without the feel of your heartbeat
Now there's an emptiness in me aching for your company