drops of rain dripping down
my window pane.
no matter how fast they fall,
they never seem to finish.
i wait, slowly and painfully.
i look again at my reflection
on the window.
those aren't raindrops.
now, for whom are these tears?

I know that not everyone is happy.
I know that people would hide the crawling, killing monster in them with smiles and laughter.
I know that tears are necessary.
It's waters healed wounds.
I know that those monsters inside might even be a learning point.
I know that monster can be tamed.
I know that monster can be destroyed.
What if this isn't the meaning you were writing as you pen down your thoughts? I really do not know.
I just know that we can be happy.
We can be loved.
We can be used to eternal purposes.
We are unworthy and a mess.
But that is what makes God's love so much more beautiful.
I am sorry for hiding, the brokenness in me.
I am sorry for showing the moving darkness in me.

I knew you like I knew myself.
I liked the way you talked.
Liked the way you smiled.
Liked the way you texted me.

I held you in my hand like a precious jewel.
You filled my heart.
You were all I missed, when I couldn't hit your heart, when I couldn't see your face.

Hard to say.
Hard to explain.
I don't know you name.
And I don't think you know mine.

It's been a few years.
Since I have seen your growing years.
It's been a few years, and I have been scattering tears.

It's been a few years.
We are just stringed with a word.
A word that used to be 'and'
Words that used to be yours and mine.
Now, it's just,
Strangers,
With,
Memories...

Confident, strong.
What could go wrong?

Typed in some numbers, letters, words.
Brought me away into some place far away.

Sitting on the stool.
Heart and mind.
Into the electric pendelum.
Growing cold.

Your voice through a blocked megaphone.
Echoing softly in my mind.
But I soon went away from home.
Built walls made more than stones.

I ignored your call, that should'nt be the case.
I shouldn't be ignoring you warnings.
Building immediate walls when I hear you? That's alarming...

Running out of thoughts for ink.
My pen running out of its black and white ink.
missing links.

Haven't been thinking.
Missing moments by the lake.
Haven't been noticing the changing snowflakes.

Avoiding the dark thoughts.
Afraid that would play at my own hands.
Avoiding the mess laying in the middle of my mind.

Haven't been spending time with God.
I forgot.
I want to be by that lake.
When I would put down my distractions and sit by the sun and think.
Maybe finally looking at myself over the sink...

You are clear of mistakes.
Innocent.
You are as helpful as ever.
And that made me mad.
You were just being the best mother ever that I could ever have.
You were just being the best Father I ever would have.
Yet, I just couldn't see eye to eye with you through the virtual bridge.
You were just being the cutest grandmother ever.
Yet I shouted at you.
Glued to the screen.
My insides are screaming me to stop.
And yet I keep going.
Yet I disobeyed you.
And I didn't feel anything...
How could I?
"I've let you down..."
I said to those I have wronged, into the air of my parents colourless bedroom...
Sorry....