I hate waiting
I always have
It’s become a real ******* issue in everything I do
I move too quick, I leave things unfinished,
If something takes too long, it’s easy for me to get ******
So you can only imagine
How ****** I am about you
You’re taking a sweet **** time aren’t you
Probably running around with other people I can’t measure to
Or maybe you’re like me,
Lonely
Well then all is the better to hurry the hell up then won’t you
I’m tired of waiting for this great love
But don’t get me wrong it’s not standards or the idea of soulmates holding me back
It’s just
I’m still waiting for you
For the person who makes me feel so in love that I’m stupid
I want you here now
I want to write stupid sappy poetry about you
I want your dumb smile to be stuck on my mind all day long
I want to hold you and be held by you and just sit there and feel
Feel ******* comfortable for once
I want to kiss your idiotic mouth and fall deeper down the well
I want the want I feel for you to crash over me like the **** tide
I want to ******* until neither of us can breathe
I want to know your name so I can whisper it to myself when I’m alone
I want to hold your hand and imagine what its going to look like, all wrinkled and grey
I want fights and dumb arguments, days spent laying around with the worst of our thoughts
I want to be there for you, with whatever you face and whatever you’re going through
I want to love you, you insufferable *******
I want to fall stupidly and blindly in love
So could you please
hurry the hell up.

My Senior English Research Paper Proposal:
I propose to talk about how society and school can affect the youth of America.
I propose to talk about how much we all don't want to talk about this.
How depression becomes common in teenagers and youth isn’t just an emotional problem- it’s societal one.
How we’re told to bury emotions, not to cry but to move on and play the game. But we only get so long before we realize it doesn’t mean anything.
Useless grades for a useless world.
Words that having no meaning besides the ones that we put behind them.
How we teach kids to be quick to laugh at the expense of others and take nothing serious because nothing matters- and how we do that without hesitation because everything matters.
How we bury everything so deep.
How that begins to hurt and overflow.
How we tell them it's all in their heads.
How they’ll outgrow it.
How we push kids to be older than they are.
How kids are shown limited paths in life when the world itself is limitless. It gives zero ***** about how we live.
How kids out of fear and loneliness turn on each other.
How we are all so desperately looking for a connection in this world but draw closer in because people are dangerous and loneliness is safe.
How we are all selfish and eventually lose the ones we love.
How love is a concept and construct warped so far that we can’t perceive it any more yet we all desparetly are told to seek it out.
How loneliness can ****.
How the depression and suicide rates of kids sky rocket in high school because puberty hits and chemicals go wild and you wake up and see that you don’t have anyone who cares about you for you,
how your heroes are nothing more than **** ups like you,
and how there is no point to anything but work and death.
How the point was supposed to be communication and other people, but we washed that out of system.
Stay quiet in class rooms. No passing notes. Ignore your neighbor. Be afraid of everyone on the buses. Loners look cooler. No one really cares about you.
And how that can **** someone, those three simple words:
“No one cares.”
And how we laugh about things that aren't funny, how apathetic we become and how we try to pretend we’re okay with that because if we don’t we’ll look weak.
How we as a society have turned kindness and caring into weakness.
How ****** up we all are.
Let's talk about that.

Love,
A fickle word for a fickle heart
Dark and light,
Red blood pumps through life
Affections and attractions
Loss and conquests
Beasts in the night prowling for a mate
Primal and unclean, natural and fated
But in this body of flesh and bone
Something beats in this heart different, pure and alone
A kind of love
Bottled up inside of the walls of my soul
Love years and years established,
Loyal, gold, unwavering and cold
That strengthens me and cripples to the bone
Unwitting and unwanting
But how can I not?
Your kindness, your pureness, your gold-
Inspires a love that cannot be told
Companionship that lost its platonicity  
A friendship too close to be friends
Or at least for me,
*****, muddy, loud and imperfect
Basking in the gold light of your smiles and laughter,
Freckles and love, kindness and friendship
Too sweet to taste
For what am I
Afraid alone and trembling
In front of a mirror of all of my worst dreams
I reach for you,
My finger tips almost touch
But slip away just like rest
And there he is, behind me,
Reaching for me in the way I reach for you
I could turn,
Take the easy road
But it’s hard when my heart is planted firmly beneath my feet
I wish you would turn to me,
But it would be out of pity,
Such as it would be if turned to him
He is not bad,
He is kind and honest
But my heart feels not fully for him
I cannot sing him a single sonnet
I cannot give him what isn’t his
For him,
I feel a darker love,
An unsure love
The flame that burns before my face
But you, your love burns,
Miles away,
Pure and bright
Starlight in the far of sky
That I could not reach if I tried
So I will smile,
And let you go,
For of my love
You must never know
But I do not want to lose you
And that is what I’m scared of most
To your other I’ve lost you
To your lover you turn
Have you forgotten me, your friend?
The one who held you, cried with you, encouraged you?
The one who loved you?
The one who loved you first?
The one who loved you so much she thought she was cursed?
Am I gone?
We have but a brief flash in night,
A lightning strike left resounding in sky,
Before we leave here for good,
And must say goodbye.
Please, don’t leave me here right before the finish line
Don’t forget my lonely heart,
Turn
Grab my hand,
Lead me on
And you will never hear this song.
Starlight in the sky,
You never need say goodbye,
But the sun is rising,
And I’m not ready to say goodnight
Hold my hand
I’m scared
I don’t want this to end
It must I know,
But still please promise to always call me friend
And so
I’ll take his hand
Try the dark fire
Let go of dry land
Surrender to the fight
It feels wrong
It isn’t right
But without your stars
I need something to guide me in the night
He says i love you
I think we have different definitions
He loves the idea of me,
My body, my face, my ambition
We push and pull
Like the tide of the water
Dominating and battling
Fighting and challenging our prides to the slaughter
It’s been great fun, but the fun begins to fade
For even the brightest fires
Eventually burn away
And your stars seem so distant
More impossible to reach by the second
Because your stars are already gone,
Burned away millions of years ago,
And now I just bask in the afterglow
Of what once was,
What could have been.
The truths, the lies, the sinless sins
I love you, that I know is true
But what kind of fool am I to fall in love with you.

I don’t know how to begin a poem
I don’t know how to start to write down the words in my heart and sow them
I don’t know how to make a proper rhyme or rhythm
I don’t know how make something sound genuine but polished
I don’t know how to show both my creativity and my knowledge
I don’t know how
I don’t know
I don’t…
In reality there is not much I can say
I can write for an entire day
And only have one line written
On display.
Man, why am I here?
Am I just trying to prove to myself I’m deep and clear?
When in reality these words mean nothing
But yet i craft them together to try and make it something
ABC, twenty-seven letters mixed together again and again
Mix in some punctuation and call it win
When really
What do I have to say
I’m seventeen, young, and have never known pain
Maybe years from now, when I’ve lived past my mother
I will look back and see me as another.
It’s odd,
For someone so privileged in their life-
I was loved from the moment I was born
And probably will be loved till I die-
But still why do I feel so much pain?
It’s not the same as they described it
Symphonies of screams or echoes of rain
The crushing memories or nightmare at night
The blood pumping in a sudden fight or flight
No
It’s just quiet here
A damp room
A lonely light bulb
It’s empty
It’s cold
It's too foggy to be clear
I've never been in love
I haven’t loved a single thing my life
And I know everyone says its my age or my youth
That I just have to wait and wait until I meet the right person
Then my world would explode into light
My heart would beat and threaten to burst out my chest
A pulse stopping, deep love that would blow out the rest
Yeah
I don’t think that will happen
And maybe it’s just me being a cynical teenager who pretends to know what’s happening
Who's convinced that somehow my experience is different from the thousands of people who have already lived
Or maybe it’s because I don’t work that way
Maybe there’s a gear broken inside of me
Something that won’t fit
Because each time I try to love something
I’ll get hit with my own thoughts, something that nags me
And says
You don’t know this is real
You aren’t happy
And it’s ridiculous I know
But the feelings true
How can you love when the only thing you know is real is you?
Huh
For all I know,
This is inside my mind,
And i’ve been dead weeks ago
It’s hard to love
And it’s hard to get lost
When your thoughts are always caught up in the fact that these feelings are apart of some plot
That the feeling ‘love’
Is just a chemical
That convinces animals to breed and is nothing more than mechanical
I want
To believe it’s something more
But my mind likes to rebell
And ignore every score
Maybe that’s why I can never fall in love
I’ve met good people who would’ve been perfect for such
But their love has never affected me much
Maybe that’s why I’ve never been able to dream
Because I know the real world and it is as much as it seems
I’ve never had large desires
Because some part of me sees it as pointless
It’s hard to dream big in word where sometimes you're not ever sure if you exist
And yet I balk at the thought of death
Of the afterlife
Or nothingness
Sometimes when I’m in class and the bell is about to ring
And everyone talks and jokes around like it’s not a thing
I’ll look around
And suddenly feel
As if I’m the only one whose real
As if I’m the only one who sees the world from outward perspective
Like a narrator
An onward looker on the main action
Aware of how everything is so temporary
Dramatic irony isn’t so fun when you know what it carries
But I know I’m not
The only one who feels this way
A concoction of hormones and disorders to start my day
I’ll probably grow up
Do what my parents did
Normal job, marriage, one or two kids
I’ll look back at my teenage dramaticism
And roll my eyes
Thinking that I knew nothing
My emotions too big for my size
But sometimes
I hope I remember what rain felt like in september
Or the fact I wrote that line without actually know what it meant
Or how I worked and worked until my brain was completely spent
****
What am i even doing here?
Writing a poem no one will ever hear
Lines between lines
That could show my world clear
I should just shut up
I don’t know what I’m saying
I don’t know how to write a poem
I don’t know if I’m praying
I don’t know how
I don’t know
I don’t
I…
I am alone.

The orange sky paints her with fierce peace
As imperfect and lovely  as her
***** and wiry hair in the wind
Marked and pale skin reflectance of the pink sky hues
Alone she sits
On the edge of the bridge
A bottle in her hand
A smile as conflicted as an eclipse
She watches as the sun reaches mid point,
An eternal equinox that lasts only a moment
Her eyes neither green nor brown
A beautiful muddied mess
Her clothes are torn but fitting
Her hands are fiddling aimless
As she basks in independence and utter loneliness
And for a moment, she understands the world
She understands life, the galaxy, the earth
She feels her imperfections but her utter love for herself
And for a moment nothing hurts
And all as well
Then the sun continues to move,
And time resumes
Another sip out of the bottle
Another bittersweet smile and happiness mottled
But she knows what she knows
Has felt what she has felt
Looking at dawn or dusk
She looks at herself
Rising and falling,
In a beauty of furious colors
Bright and burning,
Ending and beginning,
Sunrise and Sunset girl
When do you know if you are winning?

In the dark you tried to find me
My heart strung out upon the floor
Don’t help me
I have to do this on my own
My heart shattered and alone
Blasted out by your sunlight
But you see nothing but me on the floor
Not noticing the shards by your feet
Stars you saw once you see no more
And if anything
That makes me shatter deeper
Your lost sight a knife to the core
But even knowing our days of joy are over
That you lost your vision of care-
I fight
To save the galaxies exploded across the tile
My soul in little specks of starlight on the cold stone
I will save what’s left of me
For me and me alone
I am infinity broken
And infinitely broken
But I’ll fight to put this starchild back together
Just like the old days
When things were better

Cosmos in her eyes
Solar systems speckled across her skin
Teeth of shining suns
Scars of waning moons rail thin
Hair woven with nebluas
Skin made of stardust
Dark matter etched under her fingernails
Solar wind flowing through her lungs
Interstellar dust collects in her veins
Her heart a comet in the sky
Her smile as dwarf star
And a soul made of twisting and swirling colors burning hotter than the day
Stitched together in cloth of flesh
Hidden deep inside broken clay and yet
Despite the black hole clawing at her mind
This starchild won’t leave
I am made of galaxies

You cannot **** me

Mulled wine
Stretched limbs, warm silences
The scent of cinnamon and smoke
Echoing quiet in the air
Some calm and lonely song in ear
A cat's soft purr
Warm blankets and a red hoodie
The smell of tea and stains of coffee
Sighs of relief and exhaustion
Bittersweet smiles
Bittersweet memories
Rediscovery
Self Recovery
Acceptance
Messy buns
The aroma of apple cider and pinot grigio mixed
Colored leaves spotting the ground
Cold morning
Lazy bodies
Lazy smiles
Comfortable love
Comfortable quiet
Eyes of muddy green and brown
Tired but happy
A soul of infinite colors and galaxies
Tired but happy
The beginning of a new creative frontier
The edge of a new start
The symphony of inspiration playing
The undefinable emotions surging
Only to quiet before the crescendo
Fall before the rise
And so sigh
Woman of fall and woman of warmth
Tired but happy