i missed that
tiny white pill
it stops
me from chattering.
i tremble without it
buzzing.

you might
perceive me
as still
but i am erratic.
shivering.
tiny white pill
stopping the

wide eyed
teary
expression.

it keeps me
kissing you
it keeps me
sane.
it lets me dance

but you
make me sing.

are you
a tiny
white pill?

11:44 PM // do you remember the first time we met? i do.

12:02 AM // i remember the first time we locked eyes like it was yesterday

12:09 AM // i remember the swirl of green and brown all in one mesmerising gaze taunting me like a bad dream

12:57 AM // you were never just a stranger to me, you were never a face that didn’t matter  

1:18 AM // from the moment i laid eyes on you i knew you’d break my heart

1:32 AM // i can't stop thinking about the last time you told me you loved me

1:55 AM // you called me up after weeks of nothing and told me you'd never love anyone like you loved me

2:07 AM // you were saying goodbye, weren't you?

2:50 AM //  i could have forgiven you if it was only a kiss, but you fell in love with her

3:49 AM // i've kissed lots of people since you, but none of them pulled my hair and tasted like fanta

4:27 AM // my god i loved you with everything i had

5:01 AM // it still wasn't enough, was it?

5:55 AM // it was always meant to be her.

He made me feel like I was his
He made me feel owned
He made me feel like I was only there to please him
I was only his trophy wife
He made me look at myself through a fun house mirror
I tried to purge the words he would whisper to me
I tried to burn off the fingerprints he left on my skin

He made me angry
He made me an angry and irritable version of myself
He made me violent towards myself

And it was my fault
It was my fault when he was jealous
It was my fault for not being strong enough
It was my fault for feeling like I had to keep secrets
From the same man who made me violent towards myself
From the same man who hates me when I don't act like his girlfriend
The same man who said "I can change", "I can change", "I can change"

It took three tries push him out the door
It took five tries to burn off his fingerprints
It's been 5 months and I'm still trying to **** out the poison he left me with

my advice?
go to art school.
**** it.
nothing's the same anymore
so why not watch a sunset
with your best friend?

yesterday, we were at the art gallery, wandering hand in hand, ducking into corners when rowdy groups of school kids ploughed past, sneaking kisses by the displays.
i had blisters on my toes, a product of them rubbing against the sides of my boots (on the train beforehand you leaned over and whispered into my ear that they were cfm - standing for come **** me - boots and i was astounded and pleased and trying not to make eye contact with you on that crowded standing-room-only train, wondering if other people could read our ***** thoughts) so i'd pulled them off and was slipping and sliding in my socks on the wooden floors.
it was a perfect day, really, but the only piece of art i remember seeing was you.

i don't think i would be alive right now if it wasn't for art. art has kept me sane as not just a thing we create, but as a person. because in reality, art is a person, right? i mean, its you and me and the things we like and dislike. the art of poetry and words. the art of painting, drawing. the art of moving on; of falling in love. the art of a chord on a piano and the found of an f sharp on the violin. the art of patience, dignity. sadness, love, hike, realism- its all art. the world in my eyes is a canvas slowly being made into a new form of art.
today, i was in downtown toronto on a school trip with a couple of friends. we were surrounded by vast and tall, tall buildings, and it made me wonder that anything and everything is art. a hand to hold at 4pm. the way skin glides and rubs against skin is deep and intimate art. ugliness is art, for ugly souls have one hell of a harsh character. the rain is art, and so are the tress and churches and its values, our bodies and souls, a piano and sakura trees and essentially all their is - art.
beauty, hope, sadness, love - in the best and worst of people. how extraordinary.

-art.

conceptcollection

ruffled curtains
and thousands of
cigarette butts
inside carved containers
lined up
stacked
in rows
crumpled into
callous faces
swept up
and uncovered

pusillanimous
hearts
and heavy lips
skinny coke
cheeks
and art
degrees

this performance
has been
your best
piece yet

1.
Let's install some fail-safes
You have to convince yourself that this is really what you want
If you aren't gay, pretend you are
If you are gay, pretend you're not
I guarantee you will not fall in love

2.
Pick the sweetest person
Someone your parents will approve of
Someone who is so perfect for you that you just don't understand why you're sitting alone right now
If you're not voted cutest couple for the yearbook, you can't possibly be in love, right?
Too many people are watching

3.
Try to love them
Try to give yourself a textbook relationship
Go on dinner dates
And watch scary movies so you can cuddle up together
Argue about why you should definitely pay "because it's romantic"
Blow out the candle when she's not looking

4.
Stop taking off work on Friday nights
It was never going to work, anyway, so why bother getting attached?
When you realize that they love you,
And you are still sitting there alone, that's when your heart breaks
When you realize you can walk away and be unchanged
Because how could you possibly walk away from two entire years with another human being and not feel something
Your heart's going to break anyway, just because it didn't.