I'm riding in the backseat of the car,
drawing on the window,
dressed in winters best.
I just want to lay in bed,
hear your thick southern accent,
and fold into you over and over.

But I'm taking you for granted,
I was wild, I didn't know what I had then.
That love is something i'll never have again,
or at least, I haven't found it yet.
I live for the day that you'll wake up,
and come back,
but you never do.

I've filled up enough journals about you,
to write a blog of all the days,
all the weeks, all the months,
and all the years I spent without you.
But this isn't the notebook,
you may be noah, and I might be allie,
but you're never coming back.

There won't be a day that you'll see my face in the paper,
and come running back to see what it is you've been missing,
we won't reflect, and build new memories,
you've already established yourself one hell of a life i'm sure,
and i'm still wild, ending up as the one thing you wished I'd never be.
Truthfully, I think you'd love me now.
If you ever woke up, and came back,
but you never do, and never will.

So this is a memoir written to the girl at sixteen,
who under-appreciates your conversation and guidance,
I'd tell her be sweet, be loving, be kind.
You never know what the future might hold,
cherish what you have, because one day, it will be gone.

But it's time to grow up,
that sweetheart of a boy is long gone,
and it's time for his book to come to a close.
You can't keep hoping and wishing one day he'll come looking,
wondering what you're doing, where you ended up, or if you're alive at all.

You can't keep hoping he'll reach out,
and come back as a white knight,
to whisk you away to that wonderland in your mind.
Because he won't.
So do what you can now,
love yourself, find happiness for yourself,
and close the book.

To the girl I was at sixteen,
you're a fool,
but I know you won't listen,
you never do.

To the girl who had her head in the clouds,
and never thought to see what was in front of you,
it's okay, because one day you'll stop,
you'll realize you made horrible mistakes.
One day, you'll wake up,
and he'll leave you for someone else,
and he'll be happy.
Oh, I'm sure he'll be happy.
Because she probably would never treat him,
quite like you do.

So close your eyes,
you'll wake up tomorrow in time for school,
and just do me a favor,
and cherish those years while you can,
because twenty-three won't bring much promise,
I know this much better than you.

To the girl I was at sixteen,
one day you'll forgive yourself for all of the mistakes you'll make,
and you'll be beautiful, have your own house, your own car,
you'll be an artist, a writer, and everyone you know and hold dear,
oh, they're going to love you.

The arguments with your grandmother,
they're never going to get easier,
so listen to the boy with ocean eyes,
and just say yes ma'am, and let her walk away.

One day, you're going to be beautiful,
and nothing anyone says will matter.
You'll start to have it all figured out,
and when depression takes hold,
just say no, not like this, not now.
Close your eyes.
Don't give up so soon,
because one day you'll be loved,
I know this better than you.

Close the book,
Set it down,
what's meant to be will be,
we don't know what the future holds,
but don't worry, don't cry,
because life goes on.

I woke up this morning,
absent of thought and feeling,
no dreams to reflect upon,
dreary walls closing in,
******* out the moisture from my skin.

I woke up this morning,
to realize that what we had has died,
it slipped from my fingers like sand,
now it's a memory, like the hour glass I hold in my hand.
You left with no possessions behind,
flooding my room with accusations,
and broken shards of glass,
from all the mirrors and windows I smashed,
while I begged you to stay.

Rain kept pouring since the day you left,
for days, and days I couldn't speak,
all the life had been ****** out of me.
So with two hands I built a ship,
that I would float on while I got lost in bottles of ***,
and whiskey.

No sirens called, nor did an octopus come to greet me,
it was silent, and cold
in the end of september,
while I watched the world change around me.

I woke up this morning,
to find that my life has been made of nothing.
I made no accomplishments, no grand feats,
I've kept myself stuck in a time loop,
even though the faces are never the same,
in some way they are, and it exhausts me.

To know that what used to be beautiful is gone,
because the poison started dripping.
It came first in the arguments,
later through the IVs into your blood stream,
I felt nothing and everything at the same time,
to realize I meant nothing, it wasn't such a shock,
I never expected differently.

So on this ship I sail,
while knowing everyone to be shallow.
When the one composed of water ascended to the top,
I'm not quite sure what he thought,
but golden tridents, and poetic verses don't thrill me.

A year ago I lost myself,
I saw the world shift and drop out from underneath me,
plunging my body into oblivion,
where for all this time I've lingered,
trying to make sense of out of nothing,
bleak, emptiness.

Whatever innocence I had in me was destroyed,
I've become the evil queen, drifting on murky waters,
and this ship is still sinking.
Whatever it is they all seem to see,
yeah, well that's escaped me.
I'm vile, cruel, and promiscuous.
But this queen needs no company,
I'm the serpent in the garden,
The murderer in the street,
The shark in the water,
I mean everything to nothing.

So do yourself a favor,
while you still can.
Run.

When I was young,
you walked at my side
aiding me through struggles
keeping my head steadily lifted
but in your absence,
I've grown into the image reflected
The worst possible scenario,
a loud cry for help,
that he fails to answer.

I've laid with my demons,
drinking into oblivion,
while over and over,
the faces stay the same.
Shifting emotions,
like the change in seasons,
hello, goodbye.

Yet here I stand,
twenty-three.
Walking without knights,
because there are none to protect me.
I speak, but shakily,
plunging myself into the emptiness I feel.
There is never a moment of release,
into autumn the depression steadily leaks,
through my veins, into my blood stream,
and soon it will reach my heart,
setting fault to the charge to the battery,
and I will slump into a stand-still,
lingering on words from ghosts,
who never reach out in the walls.

My mind is a violent whirlwind,
Yet still,
I keep asking him to come home,
but it's almost like talking to a wall,
and I can't hear my own voice through the sound.

The clock is speeding up,
and soon I won't be able to move at all.
With the on-coming pressure of the world on me,
slowly on the rise,
I will be viral in a matter of days,
and I can't stop the tide
that is threatening to swallow me whole.

I can't keep crying anymore.
The tape has run out of recording space,
and all the letters i've written are piling up.
1,460 days.
The hour glass has run dry,
cracking on all the sides,
and sand pours out to encompass my feet.

I'm empty.
Walking without knights,
into the threatening storm of clouds,
winter is coming,
and I can't stand the sound.

What's the point?
Humans by nature feel inadequate
Are we even sure we can fill the shoes we need to wear?
Mine sink in, with too much room to wiggle in
They don't fit.
Too many expectations,
and I can't amount up to them.

I can feel all the eyes on me
Wondering where I'll go next
What my new zest for life might be
Will I start a riot?
Or go hell bent upon seeing a campaign for body freedom to completion
I think that might be what makes me so appealing
No one can figure me out.
Truthfully, I can't figure myself out.

I'm not the person I was years ago
With each thing that happened,
Little by little she died.
Now I'm twenty three,
No college degree,
And I write more than I speak
Breathe and sleep more than I work
And work more than I eat.

I'm not sure how I've managed to survive this long,
But I can feel it coming quicker than I suspected
Slowly slipping back into the same routine,
and I have to get out.
I have to do something before I sink,
This boat has holes forming,
and the water is beating the boards away
The current is rough,
And I'm not sure where it's pulling me anymore

My life isn't sunshine and rainbows
It's a constant struggle,
I get more than I deserve.
My basic needs go unmet,
Because I don't know how to open my mouth
And I feel inadequate
Like I can't own up to it
These shoes are too big for my feet
I don't feel twenty three.
I feel like a kid, standing in a candy store
And my parents have abandoned me.

I'm not sure why I want to be alone,
and no one ever picks up the phone.
So I'm left with these thoughts,
While I want to slam my head into the wall.

I dreamed of something greater than this.
Really, I think we all did.
But all we do is work to pay for a home we don't live in.
It makes no sense.
We're slaves to corportations,
and debt collectors.

Because we all need money,
But when did money become the source of happiness?
You could be rich, but still be unhappy.

Numb.
Grab a drink,
Down it all and drop the bottle
Can I get another please?

Intoxicated, I'm running free
My heart is gone,
And I don't want to feel anything
I'm going to fly,
Like a bird freed from a cage
Of a loveless relationship,
One sided bitter pain.

Light it up,
Passing the bowl my way
Higher than the clouds,
I never felt farther from home
And it's good for awhile I think
To have kisses on my skin,
Hands grasping,
Feeble and shaky,
While physical attraction grabs hold
Shaking me from the pain,
Replacing it with a different kind
And the ****** hits harder than I think
While they're exhausted,
I'm still here.

It's always the same.
The faces are always different,
But the routine is like clock work
And the hands keep moving
But I'm left behind
To me, it's still September
Even when the snow starts to fall,
It's still september,
and I never want to be home.

In the shop,
I'm letting the needles and ink,
Coat my skin with color,
To cover up all the damage I've done,
Memories of pain,
But you can replace your skin,
With an array of beautiful colors
But the scars will still be there
A constant reminder,
That one day your fingers dug in deep,
Slicing your skin open as the blood freely flowed,
Replacing the pain,
With a different kind
A permanent solution to temporary heartache.

Grab a drink,
Open it up and drop the cap
I'm throwing them back,
The bottles keep coming,
And the men smile my way,
Because they know tonight I'll be easy,
But I'm doing it all so freely
Because it's september,
And I'm broken and lonely
Running from it all,
Where home is never a home,
and he's seeing someone else,
And I'm alone in my head.

Their teeth dig into my skin,
Bruises start coming to coat my skin,
With pretty colors,
It's the only way to know I'm alive,
Because I feel nothing, and everything too.
And I think tonight I'll escape,
With cheap liquor, and a bowl full of ****
I'll let their hands roam where they meet
And forget everything.

September,
when heartache becomes a real thing,
And I remember everything.

I'm afraid of the moment our lips touch
the spark that ignites, filling me up
I'm afraid of your touch, lingering on my skin
without thinking I'm moving close
The heat, it might be too much
silencing out the prequel of winter
your air has become my air
your heartbeat fills my ears like a loud drum
banging against every wall
it echoes over and over into my head

but dear, where your lips touch
I dare say, do not break skin
because wounds form,
your essence will sink in
and by then, I fear,
it will be too late.