I do not want to be transparent
I want you to see me clearly
The way I change my face when angered,
How I appear when I'm sad,
Or how I look when I laugh.
I want you to know my heart
And be the difference in something I've known too well before
I want to breathe your air
And take in all that you are
How you change your face when angered,
How you appear when you're sad,
Though I hope you never are,
And how you look when you laugh.
I want to know your heart,
And to be the difference in something you've known too well before.

Exposed
His lips touched,
Slowly, in torturing delays,
they mapped their way to my heart.

Each beat,
increasing with each press upon my skin,
he was the hunter,
and I his prey,
He smelled like cigarette smoke,
and watered down cologne,
but I melted beneath him like he was fire,
and I a block of ice.

I foolishly thought that he had me memorized,
tucked safely in the back of his mind,
each place his fingertips met,
sent shivers all over me,
like I was stuck in a chest freezer,
but when he left me wrapped up in the sheets,
he snuck out like a thief in the night,
on to pursue his next prey.

I was captured,
as quickly as I was hunted.
The hunter never loves his prey.

I don't know where my mind wanders,
When it's silent and cold.
I've closed my heart shut,
Locked it and threw away the key,
Goodbye to love.

I was never content,
My existence was written up for higher things,
And I knew something was wrong,
I couldn't put my finger on it,
Or grasped why it happened the way it did.

To end up destroyed,
Only to realize,
I put myself back together with another plan.

And when he put his fingers on my skin,
I cringed from the impact,
And found myself to be incomplete.
He was never what I wanted,
Not even when my life was all about him.

He promised such beautiful things,
But they were all just words,
With no depth, no clarity,
No truth behind them.

He took me to his bed,
Pried my body free from restraint,
Buried his face into my skin,
******* in my essence,
And breathing out into my air.

I never felt more alone.
No matter how many times I screamed it in my head,
And all the hands that once held my own,
And all the pretty words they used to say,
From their venomous mouths,
And all the times patterns were traced,
Burning away pieces of myself,
And burying it into them,
I still, never felt more alone.

I'm tired of the ****** hand I'm dealt,
The short stick I've always drawn.
I've grown tired of constant ups and downs,
And friends who are never really friends.
I've grown tired of men who don't know what they want,
And if they do, they don't know how to fight.
They give up when the going gets tough,
And I am left to feel meaningless,
And it's all I've ever known.

I've never had a man to be genuine,
And if he was, some one else caught his eye eventually.
It's all ****** up,
And I'm so ******* myself,
But it's all I've grown to know how to do,
And that is why my heart is always broken,
Because I care too much,
And when I care,
I shouldn't at all.

And when I start to care for myself,
I've become selfish.
It's a constant turning wheel,
No matter where it ends,
I'm still wrong.

I wish I could work every day,
So I didn't have to know what it was like to see the sun rise,
Or see it set.
So my life kept going constant,
And I had no time to feel,
Or any time to pretend,
That for once something good would come,
When I finally put my eyes elsewhere.

So leave is all I know to do,
To begin anew,
Fresh,
Where no one knows my name,
Or the stories I've burned into my skin,
And carved out in bone

The journal opened,
On its own.
Encompassed my thoughts,
My heart,
And bled them onto unlined pages.
Raw, and complete.
Synced up in perfect harmony.

The short hand on the clock moved,
Took its first step,
And shielded clarity,
That no depth could have foretold,
This is what I needed,
On the same page,
The battery started to recharge,
All on its own.

Until after awhile it began to tick,
The clock came unset,
And there was no countdown left to look upon.
It moved at its own pace,
Fate and destiny,
Weaved its intricate web,
Attaching red thread to the tip of my pinky finger,
The cord that stretched to the tip of a finger of someone,
Whose heart, memories, and experiences,
Were that much like my own.

But we can never see who is at the end,
We may cross paths on a busy street,
Our eyes might linger for a moment,
And we may feel struck in the chest,
By an unexplainable force,
Or we may pass without notice,
Always thinking,
That when the book comes to a close,
That soon their hand,
Would fit perfectly in my own.

It didn't feel real.
The way I laid there,
Gazing at the ceiling for hours,
Listening to music,
And day dreaming most of the day away.

And I realized that it was wrong.
The way we moved to music,
Swaying unnecessarily,
Syncing to it at the wrong time,
Out of pace,
And forgetting the distance we had to go.

We crossed years of time in a matter of weeks,
Causing cracks to form in the walls,
That a sledge hammer might pound into,
And the cord was wearing out,
The hold and the control was disappearing,
And the walls got a little thicker,
With each blow,
They worked harder to repair.

Patchwork, and crumbled bits of brick and of mortar,
Lining the floor,
And the marble had lost its sheen,
The windows fogged up,
And the paint started to peel off the walls,
Decay in the highest.

The sun started to set,
And when night came no stars lit up the sky,
It was empty of beauty,
It was bland, dark,
And composed of nothing but air and space.

When we went to bed,
I don't think we realized we'd wake up on the same frequency,
But it happened,
And I don't regret it,
Anymore than I regret the feeling of your hands in my hair,
Draining all the color from my skin,
And my bones becoming porous,
Taking it all in,
Piece my piece.
But it was wrong.

The queen descended her throne,
And went off to find the black armored knight she used to know.
The ***** grabbed her bow and arrows,
And departed the forest in search of the hunter.
The Phoenix left to find the thief,
And the lost girl in the forest,
Chased after the wolf she used to love.

And I, I emerged in perfect sync.
Adorned my crown of daisies,
Held close to my heart the memories of the ocean,
The love of the forest,
The dismay of the dark and the quiet,
The hope for sunrise,
The dreams of mountain tops,
And the wings I never should have lost.

I emerged scarred, and battered.
But I saw what I needed to see all a long,
And when I met the lost boy for the first time,
I didn't know what to do with it,
And though his lips on my own felt wonderful,
There were things I needed to set in motion first.

I ascended the throne,
No longer a princess, a *****, a Phoenix, or a succubus.
I was a woman then,
And I knew ten times better.
That any battle is best won with time and patience,
I replaced my crown of daisies with that of gold,
Because I finally deserved it.

And my life took on a new turn,
And it no longer pained me to watch as I let go of my control,
Because I recognized that I had none to begin with,
I only have what I remember.

My heart was no longer a battery,
Or made of stone, or covered in black to the point I hated the idea of love, or hated the idea of feeling.
I recognized my fear,
I came to terms with my demons,
And let the skeletons out of the closet.

I threw off my cloak,
Slammed into all the walls,
And let them come crashing down.
This isn't weakness,
This is strength, courage,
And hope in the rawest and rarest and purest form.

I am happy.
I believe that good things will come,
No matter what pain and agony I have to endure to get it,
It will be worth the wait,
Worth the struggle,
And when the battle is won,
I will be victorious,
Not by force,
But by my skill,
And the love for myself that I now so valiantly feel.

It radiates through me,
And shines out like the brightest star.

I'm back set in motion,
I came back home from the sea,
I left the forest,
I cast off the shadows,
And I danced for the first time in my life.

Out of pure joy,
And when HE opened his arms to me,
The golden gates opened,
my wings came back,
And my crown shined brighter than it ever did before.

God, bless my soul.
Carry me through the storms,
And never let my knees get weakened,
Give me the courage to stand tall,
The grace and the serenity,
And release my control.

I laid there and watched the clouds move,
Making shapes and hearing the words come back like the loudest thunder,
And I knew I was justified,
I knew I had found peace.

It is well, with my soul.

I took a leap of faith,
Drunkenly confessing my heart,
But like before,
You failed to hear me,
My words fell upon deaf ears,
And you stayed blinded to it all.

This is to letting you go.

You were the one I could depend on,
When all the rest of the world walked out,
The one who held my hand,
Wiped my tears,
Kissed me,
And made me feel beautiful without even saying anything.

I'll never be your type,
I'll be the one who's always there,
Has your back, runs my fingers through your hair,
Tells you it'll all be okay,
We'll share a couple laughs,
Cry about stupid things,
And lift eachother back up,
But I'll never be the girl you want.

I'll be there when the world walks out,
Asking you to come hang out,
Letting you in the door at 3am when you're drunk,
And play fighting with you even when it hurts.

I'll be the one who buys you birthday presents,
Sends you a present for Christmas,
And does things just because,
And you'll be there telling me that the new guy I'll be talking to is a real *******,
And then you'll make me cry because the only guy I've ever wanted,
Has always been you.

And this is to letting you go.
Because the heartache is too much to bear,
While you go on getting into fights,
And loveless relationships,
With people who never truly appreciate you or see you.

But I'll be there rooting for you,
Hoping for the best,
But expecting the worst,
Because it happens over and over,
And these are the words that I'll refrain from saying,
And the actions I'll stop myself from doing,
But the truth is that,
I'm not going to be the one holding the noose for you,
When you decide you're ready to go.

I'll never be the girl for you.

And here's to letting you go,
Because although I love you,
And you know that,
You take me at face value,
And I no longer know what the **** that's worth.