It's been so long, too long..
if only this breeze would prolong its stay...

thoughts like, man a year ago the weather during this time,
was colder than today..

65 degrees. a New Yorker may laugh...
but a Cali kid is out here freezing his ***.
bonfire in the backyard watching the time pass,
the fire flickering, whispering the secrets of the past.

you should listen.

maybe you too will fall in love with the wind.
fall in love with giving thanks and hugging your kin.
fall in love with gifts, Santa, candles and grins,
finally make a resolution to put behind all your sins.

60 degrees. it gets colder as the night progresses..
you capture the essence, of the night..
and realize its adolescence.
it hasn't yet began to even grasp adult lessons..

55 degrees, feeling weak in the knees,
its been a week, since the tree outside had any leaves.
no fireplace, no heater just a ******* and cheese,
and take your *** to bed early before you get the real breeze.

50 degrees, I'm freezing to death,
more depressed now knowing that my babygirl left,

so I'm here all alone.
me, chardonnay and a cup.
fog surrounding, branches howling waiting till winter is up.




-afj

How scenic,
the view of the city from this rooftop.

But I've seen it all before.
I'm really looking for a new spot.

I've done it all yet i still need time,
Kind of like a new clock,

i even met the devil once,
Had Jimmy Choos and a blue top..

but just when i want to leave,
i remember why i stay.

I remember all the cracks on the concrete
i see by day.

And every crack has the potential to grow a stem.
Kind of like every person has the potential to grab a pen.

And the most inspiring of moments is when a rose blossoms.
the thorns might be thick, and the scent might be off some..
the petals might be thin, but its still looking awesome.

Do you follow my story?
Can you grasp my allegory?
Can you understand why I revel in this garden i see before me?.

You may just see cracks,
a street needing a fix...
But I'm in total bliss speaking life into exist-...ence
hence,
The reason my view will never get old..
long live the rose that grew, regardless of what it was told..


-afj.

Goodbyes are never good.
And hellos are never hell...
Well..
Howcome its always hard to tell?

When i met Amy..
she waved, like the ocean in the horizon view.
i mean, picture a Goddess herself, locking her eyes on you,
hypnotizing you,
Telling you all infinity lies in you,
Her heart hides in you,
Her vocal tone rises you...
Like the tide..

under the horizon view..

but her theory was dark. Like the side of the moon we don't see..
Weird, *** most of the time she was joyous and joke-sy.

But she had a mental intent.
to rent, an individuals mind until her emotion was spent.

Pitched up her tent,
Now she lives in my head.
i cant get rid of her, feeling blue when shes wearing red.
i cant get ahead..

i need her,
I bleed her.
i read her.
i see her.
She runs thru my mind mind so much,
even my feet hurt.

but shes evil.
Reveling in my chaos and depression.
her sole mission is to leave me well wishin..
fishing for hope, with nothing in my view.
except the horizon.
i cant forget her eyes'n....
the way she caressed my hand in the midst of my anger.
but its sad to say her theory just brings me danger..

she says she cant be happy if im happy.

i cant believe she can say that,
I mean,
sure shes a Ten..
sure shes a friend..
sure when i ask her to come over she always says, when..
i mean i dont ever wanna put her down...
Amy's my PEN.
the pen that stood beside me when i wrote my lifestory.
the pen that stays truthful even if it gets gory.
the pen that keeps me sane and even takes over for me,
The pen that allows me the hope to reach glory..and see..
the same pen that forces me write daily im trapped,
Confined in this desk, Hennessy spilled on my lap,
lost in life, blank map im tryna fill in the gap,
Last thing i needs a fucken object that keeps giving me crap!

Still ill love her forever, and never ever leave, thatll never occur...
my pen, i named her amy and sometimes i feel that i write for her.



-afj

you are my ocean. my personal sea..
cant figure out if its the way that you look at me..
you are my sunset, because vision is free..
I thank the heavens up above for the things that i see..

you are my sunrise.. every morning you creep,
Through my curtains, now im certain that your taking a peek,
You are my moonlight..i dont take you in vain,
Without your guiding light my crazyass would up insane..

you are everything, everything, everything
but mine..
singing songs about you, i cant sing, and so they rhyme..

Everything but mine..
i drew a map to infinity &i; hoped that I would find,
I said i hoped that i would find..
..a way to make you realize that im better than this line..

is that really a crime?
I need more than 7 seconds, im not really good at vine.
and believe me if i love you im not really good at  lying..
your an angel, you were brought here by the heavens youll be fine...

Everything, but mine.

i found the worlds best treasure, and i didn't have to mine.
but i searched and i searched, i did..everything, but mine......*




-afj

You can sense the sincerity in my breathe when i speak of my tragedies..
i wonder how life would be if i was born living lavishly?..
born with riches, and jewels, a chandelier and marble floor...
curtains, and high ceilings and a kitchen with French decor..

human race;
some of us start off with torn sneakers.
others born with nutritionist, and fitness teachers,
no i'm no preacher..
and no i'm not bashing the privileged..
but why pillage the fallen village, ?
so let me finish.

the human experience.
go to school for 20 years, work for another Thirty.
at best you'll retire at 65 and thats early..
Barely paid your house, finally own your vehicle...
only to enjoy it for a couple years and you see it go??

*** then you get sick, and your dead at Seventy..
who can uncover lifes secrets who has the remedy?
I think its out there somewhere but nobody is telling me..
till then, ill stay humming this silly melody.



-afj.

listen nick,

you've been at it for such a long time i often wonder,
do you ever need a break?..
Such a long endeavor, are you even sure its safe, this journey you undertake?..

I mean, no days off, and who knows if the sleigh is fixed,
Because i remember it broke one year back  in'96,

And what about Rudolph? that nose of his wont shine forever in that fog..
& your always stuck in that **** office of yours, didn't the doctor advise you, you should jog?.

Besides, lets be honest..
you kind of sold out. The corporations probably own your igloo and your factory..
&all; that **** gas you yearly require, is probably just another added tax to me...

Its been noted, your intent started off kind,

But the poor, get no gifts while your sponsors drink wine..

The message was shifted,
by a rich greedy ******* thinking hes gifted..
Who's children you deliver presents too, & the wife turns out forgettable because of a mistress..
That's the message of Christmas?
Shoppers speeding past skidrow to purchase a wishlist?

Probably label me Grinch,&
Change my pigment to green.

Post it on Instagram, & have all the teens make a meme.

Well Nick, maybe it isn't your fault.
maybe your trapped in the system like the rest of us are.

pardon me, i just know what these holidays do.
perhaps Santa's waiting on the 1st and the 15th too.






-afj

biggest soul, yet soulless. trapped, & tortured.
no fortune teller can tell of my misfortunes.

no crystal ball, can anticipate my fall.
no known living sage, can fully explain my rage.

cursed..
by the universe to carry all its burdens,
the real problem of a writer, is simply his observance..

empathetic, to a fault. insightful,& bad verbally..
since every word jotted holds permanence, & eternity..

an obsessed pamphleteer,
philosophical, & weird.
and no that lone poet, hadn't ever shed a tear,
but routine, nightmares would persevere.
what a year,
truthfully most of it, i was hardly here,
Momma said come back, but it was hard to hear.

only those, who share my emotional connect,
understand, the universe& all of its intent.

whats the story behind the curse,?
an innate gift, given to a few chosen upon birth.

willing to beautifully articulate, a disharmony..
∈ the same breathe smile at the woes.
too many, muffled screams of tortured, soulless writers..
who have the biggest souls..




-afj

Same old poem, same old theme.
A love lost, heart broken, with dreams..
I said I love you. she said. define it.
she thought id fear her question, but really..I didn't mind it....

eloquence, heaven sent, from Aphrodite herself.
the allure of the angels, where afterhours are felt.

late night dreaming of the Goddess in you,
And my tongue isn't speaking from a partisan view.

the honor of honesty, your naked soul is what caught me.
scared to death of steep hills and this one was rocky.

but your blessings brought me courage, & your beauty is hope.
we live less than a park away, but your still thinking Knope.
ya we talk.. recreationally....
with all that love you posses, just a ration to me?
I know that rings cost money, but patience is free,
so let me tell you why I love you, then she turned to face me..

and I couldn't speak.
Inside, I could weep..
but how do I tell her she's the reason that for years I don't sleep..
a dreamer, turned dreamless...
the worst of diseases,
because others take your body..
but without your soul you need Jesus.

I told her every time I blink, I think.
and when I think,
I pray your blinking too.

weird way to describe it..
ya but I **** at speeches...
so she made me write it.

I wrote I love you, on a paper,
p.s once unfolded this statement will always be true.

with a rose in the middle, and a personal riddle,

a picture of the first time we met, and a drawing of a heart..
she said ...that's the best you got?

I said no, that's my worst, but if you don't love me as I'm cursed,
then you don't deserve the saying.
if you understand what I'm saying?

she said no....
Well, i **** at speeches.
I'm not good at writing too,
nor am I good at defining the word love from out the blue.

but I can tell you, I'll never cheat,
never flirt or take a peek,
ill delete,
every girl from my phone in just a week,
never one for deceit,
always pull back your seat,
on lonely days without contact I promise to go deep,
to understand your soul and the secrets you keep,
the blessings and curses and the reasons you weep,
hold you closer to the universe, caressing your cheek.
and if that's not enough ill even cook you some meat.

more importantly though,
I will forever grow,
and our hearts can mend together and resemble a glow.

she said.. but you can do all those things to any girl you meet..
I said but ill only do it for you...
she said why...?
I said, *** I love you...
she said Define it.




-afj

Purchased a new chain,
Just so i could feel liberated, but gold..

Isn't exactly accepted by this God fellow, or so I'm told..

so what is the cost of freedom?

I ask the sages of the block if they would be so kind...
they tell me freedom has no price tag, *** its a state of mind.

& i knew **** well these people of wisdom weren't lyin..
these same folks invented get rich or die tryin..

...& though most of them passed away, the message was heard.
& money cant buy happiness but just believe in the word.

Never settle for less.
don't obsess over chains...
Most have gardens to tend, all we grew was our pains...
& before Ferguson i knew an Officer James..
who shot an unarmed man, leaving permanent stains..

I wanna be.

free from woes.
free from foes.
free from grief.
free from beef.
free to give my momma peace.

free from lust.
free to trust.
free to speak my mind & cuss.

free to dream without boundaries or fear.....
i purchased a new chain yesterday..
Next to the pier.
&
As i stared into the distance, the sunset seemed to speak.
it said freedom, is also based on the memories you keep.

So i'll always remember that gold chain, cost me a little less than a grand.
but the purchase was worth it, *** i realized freedom & who i am.



-afj