I have been doing really well,
Doing so well, that nobody knows about my episodes.
The stale paint scent of my depression
Haunts me like the ghost of my adolescence.
Its back, and it wasn’t welcome to come back
I did not give out an invitation to the party that I am not hosting
It creeped back, it wasn’t supposed to come back
But here it is.
Weighing on my shoulders,
With boulders of anxiety and the promise of a bleak and meek future
That I am trying so hard not to obtain.
Fighting, everyday to stay busy, to stay sane
But its back.
And I just wish it would go away.
Shopping only helps the pain
in the moment
standing in the check out line
These overpriced, on sale Uggs, only make it better in the store.
But when I get home,
The only thing that understands me
Is the needle with the record spinning

Sometimes I think that my depression fuelled my creativity.
And now that the dark times don’t need the help of bottles,
I cant help thinking that I running on empty, and I got nothing left to say.
Chasing the pain that is so deep within me, and the **** that shaped me
The images I made with my words and pens
Are nothing but a memory of a sad and lonely 20 something

But the clouds have broken, the rain is letting up, and the sun is peeking through
And all I have are the curiosities of what happens if I start drinking like I did.

I am no longer eligible for the 27 club, and Ill never be famous
And the hurt that I try to remember, will not make those images brighter
It will only hurt my friends and my mother.

So here is a sober, conscious attempt at poetry, trying to find my voice
Without the glass containers that used to help me forget.

Do you ever feel so ugly in your own skin?
Where you pinch and grab at your physical reasons to hate yourself
All the taunts and cruel phrases relive in your jiggles
You fad diet yourself into comfort,
Only to be reminded of your deep scars as you catch a glimpse in the reflection
You strive for societal perfection as you let yourself slip into a cracked version of someone you were
The fear that happiness is gone for good
And this is all that's left

I thought this was over
I never think to bring it up
I buried it down sealed the coffin and tied it up
I didn’t think that it would come back
Out of nowhere, and in class
I didn’t think you were still on top of me

I don’t remember it
So, I tell myself it didn’t matter
I don’t remember, so it didn’t happen

11 years later, and I didn’t say yes
11 years later, I didn’t give you consent
you took my innocence from me that night
while my friends continued to forget, you put me to bed

I feel ashamed, that you got away with it
That after you were done with me, she laid with you next
16 never felt like yesterday until this morning

11 years and you still haunt me
I never talk about it, I never remember it
Because I didn’t remember
You violated my sunflower
You made me broken

11 years later, I still didn’t say yes
11 years later, I never gave consent

The moon is so bright tonight
The black velvet sheet of the night
is riddled with stars

Patiently waiting, for lightyears to come
For us to see the stars light fade
Until we can not wish upon them
And the sky is sure to turn to shade

When does this feeling go away?
The longing, the feeling of loneliness
The tune of heart quench
I am not unhappy, I am content in my loneliness
I am fair play in the reckless game
I am me
But,
How I crave to have an ever after
I desire we

When you have no pockets to put your lighters in
And your nails are too long,
You find yourself on the balcony staring off
Staring off into the night sky

That soft, deep sea blue cast across your skyline

You catch a thought,
You think,
The simple things,
A glowing read star, could be mars

The thoughts I think, Smoking on my balcony