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every time i laugh
i quickly look over at you
hoping you’d fall for my laugh
as fast as i fell for yours
I remember you
all too well.
Your beautiful,
dark eyes
that captured me inside.
Your touch against mine
that sent a chill down my spine.
Your words
that caught me off guard.
I fell for you;
you tricked my heart.
 Sep 2018 Abby Reynolds
Aquinas
The lungs of who you are betray the bones of what you've become.
I could keep you in my hands for as long as I can hold my breath,
but that feels too long.

You're trapped around the grave of the person you wanted to find in me.
I can't be her for you.
Even for one night.
I can't be here for you.

You know it's true that your hands are tied between two more.
I'm not with you anymore.
I got the last laugh now you deal with what comes.

You miss talking,
and my ears don't miss being talked to.
You wish this was different,
and I do to.
You still don't want change,
but my bones are broken, and through them I feel my lungs.
I once felt like words gave me power
Like they gave my quiet shell of a self a leg to stand on
Now I feel like I have none left to speak, to write
I've been drained of verbs and left broken -- immobile
My adjectives fall soft and simple, even the deaf don't pretend to hear
It's strange
Being so far removed from the one you called yourself
I don't know what there is left for me to say
It's like being a young musician on stage
And people have slowly stopped cheering as they realized
You have no more tunes left to play
Yet I've stood frozen, stuck, despite myself
I'm waiting for them to come back
The words
The crowds
The self that I used to know
That I thought I did know
I haven't a clue to where they've left, to where they'll go
But I hope that they find it
The messages they seek
I can no longer provide them
My inkwell bone dry
My spirit missing it's former vibrance, now dully meek
They once called me wicked
I thought it ironically sweet
That for someone so bitter
Many worshiped me
Hiii...
It's been a while, I think, since you all got a nice wordy note from me.

I've been writing poetry for...8? 9? years now... And I've gotta say, I legit cannot tell if I've gotten better or worse. I used to write because I was ****** at life, or violently angry with myself, or if I wanted to do bad things. I don't feel like that anymore. Pretty much never. I've survived some ****, but now (all things considered at least) I'm starting to thrive a bit. When I was at my height of popularity on this site, or at least what my very ****** up and disillusioned perceptions gathered to be the height of it, I was sick. I was having regular dissociative episodes, was severely depressed, engaging in self harm in a variety of forms nearly daily, and very suicidal. If anyone is going through some ****, please seek help, and hold on. I promise it gets better. But yeah. When I was very aggressively using this site as an outlet, I amassed a good sized follower count and trended almost daily. The only poem I ever had make daily poem (which btw was toward the beginning of my worst downward spiral ever) was about hanging myself. Like what the **** lol. But if I helped people -- or even just one someone somewhere -- feel less alone, then I'm glad. But ever since I had started to get better I got less attention here. Which is kinda a weird feeling. I'm not sure if it's cause my writing started to **** or if I got less 'interesting' for lack of a better term, or maybe a mix. Or maybe it's all the changes this site has had over the past 4 years since I joined. Either way, it's weird... I feel like I don't know how to keep writing or improve... Idk, I'm just kinda...
stuck. ...This has been a stream of consciousness.

Anyway, I love you all. And in a special way those of you who have left this world for another. I will never forget you.
Pax,
Wicked
 Sep 2018 Abby Reynolds
Mick
this is my formal apology

I never wanted to believe I was in the wrong
like my actions were justified
like what I said was justified..

but as your lover
there are things I should not say
and I am sorry

I am sorry because I know I was the one that drove you away
I am sorry because you looked for love in someone else
and you found it

when you left I thought I would never recover
you are the girl I wanted to marry
and I am the reason you’re gone

I am sorry that I was cruel
I am sorry that some nights I refused to hold you when I know
that’s all you needed

but most of all
I am sorry that I spent months searching for the Exit Signs
because now that I’m out
I only wish I knew how to get back inside

this is my formal apology

I am sorry you regret me
but I understand why
Love is as old as the sun
When we were young,
it was all about holding hands, wanting to be close to each other but truth is, we were blind to see that love was bringing us together.
Suddenly we became taller, you started getting hips and my voice got deeper.
We started writing love letters to those we smittened.
Along the way, we hurt one another and it helped us grow.
Here we are now, dating and traveling like two love birds.
What kept us going is patience, trust and when we suddenly understand what love figures are, we let wedding bells ring that beautiful moment
When I finally become yours and you now all mine
I could write a thousand words
To dedicate to you,
And every single word I wrote
You’d hold no doubt is true.
For every single paragraph,
And every single start,
I’d write for you in no less than
The ink of my own heart.
I am day when it’s night in my mindset.
The dark has no power on me.
I inhale the stars ash with no thought,
And exhale the moons rays from the sea.
With a smile I could bleed the nights darkness,
And burn all the clouds from the sky.
It’s always in the days that I struggle,
Always in the nights that I fly.
Let nature take its course
As you move through life
You will have to go through a fire
In order to see the light
As situations unfold
Things may not always go your way
But, do not ever give up
Put your heart into things each day
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