I’m not sorry
That I loved you with everything I had
That I gave you every inch of my soul
That I loved you more than I knew could exist
That I made love to you one last time
Despite everything that had happened

I’m not sorry
That I wasn’t stronger after we lost the baby
That I fell apart when everything had come together
That I cracked and revealed all the ways we were broken
That I could not be the rock for us
Even though you couldn’t either

I’m not sorry
That I was myself
That I would not walk on eggshells
That I would not be disrespected
That I had and opinion and a voice
Even though it made you leave

I am sorry for the pieces of me you could not love
I am sorry we ended when we said forever
I am sorry that we never got our family
I am sorry I let you down in any way that I did
I am sorry that love turned out to be conditional.
Even though I never thought it was.

Clouds of Ash
                      soot
                          cinders
­smoother our lungs, and choke our souls

My blaze, once contained
                                          loving
      ­                                           warm
Erupted into something wild,
Something burning completely out of control.

Ive seared every inch of you to blisters
                                                        ­         to bleeding
                                                        ­                      to exhaustion.

I took, unwaveringly so, to feed my flames,
to feed their insatiable destruction.

My love and passion, once demonstrated, turned
                                                     to madness
                                         to deafening
                                  to draining

Fire took ever inch of us.
I watch now helplessly as the Ash disintegrates
                 taking to the wind
                 dissolving in the air

The Earth, our foundation now lies scorched
                                                        ­              seared
                                            ­                                   and baren.

                          I desperately pray for rain, or a mighty Phoenix
                                     ANYTHING to regenerate the beauty
                                                          ­ the growth.
                                     I desperately pray, for a second chance
                                                          ­    from you.

I built my own cage,
                      I’m the designer of
                                     my own prison

I twisted the metal till my hands bled
working every wire into a bar
I fastened every bolt and every *****
meticulously trapping myself there

I marked you as my salvation
and the truth is you were only a
                           figment of my imagination
I controlled this place
you were not my executioner
     and I’m free to leave
              so free

but i can’t

if you asked me to stay
I would be dammed to say no

one cadence
          one word
              one syllable
    stay.

thats all the effort you’d ever have to put in
tell me that magic phrase
Ill lock this door behind me
               forever.

Bitterness beseeches every
          GROTESQUE
                             Inch    of     me

Thoughts of your light enveloping
my existence in a
         condemnation
of
    sabotaging
                      dreams.

I am the dark queen, and you,
you are my ghost.

Haunting me perilously.

The destruction of my kingdom is welcomed.
        Dismantle
                Decimate
                        Destroy.
Poison me with ANY
                                    Affliction.
I welcome the cardinal sins of my evocations.
Blasphemy of my soul
Awakened and stripped
Of us, leaving me
Welcoming the blackness.

The words echo in my mind
                 read a hundred times
                          Over and over
every parallel burdens me.

I was once captivated by your words,
                              the uniqueness in your voice

somberly I feel the despair in pressing
                                         every
                                             word
                                to my lips

I foolishly thought my self a rose,
          but only a daisy
                in a field
                    I am.


                                 Cherishing moments of repetition,
                                    Deliberately restated without hesitation.

I’m cancer, can’t you realize this?
        Toxic and out of control.
You don’t need me, you’ll need chemotherapy.
        Why don’t you run?
                You need to run.

Those innocent glassy eyes
Staring in my direction with anticipation.
        Why me?
I’m ugly on the inside.
        Black with decay, and broken dishes.
I’m despicable and disastrous.

You have nothing to gain from me
        But everything to lose.
I will sink my teeth into your heart
        only to heal my own
                leaving you brittle and broken.

Why won’t you head my warning?
I’m a giant caution sign, but here you sit.
        You must want to be abused and dismantled.
                Do you think you will enjoy this brand of torture?

Do you think there is something deeper?
                                                        T­heres not.
I’m cancer.
        I’m hate.
                I’m full of black decay.
                        I’m ugly when you crack me open.
That’s all I’ll ever be.

I've felt guilt
and I've felt shame.
Never together but
both the same.
Blankly stare with
hope from Sane,
trapped in this prison
bundled in blame.
I've felt guilt
and I've felt shame,
both together and
never the same.