Sometimes I think of killing myself
How the end would be so nice
How the darkness would swallow me up
And how the numbness would suffice
My need

For all the voices of the feelings
That constantly keep me reeling
To softly slow to a hush
As my brain starts tur-tur-turning into mush

How wonderful it would be
To have that powerful silence
Not even grasshoppers would bother
To wake me

My cells would stop dividing
My brain would stop the lying
Myself would stop denying
What I truly want

But but but
This is just a reckless fantasy
A way to elude one’s own reality

Because as I sit here on the floor
Tears drip drip dropping
I realize there’s those who care for me more
Cherish me more
Love me more
Than I love my own self

The crickets chirp
I put the pills down

I’m sorry I’m not good enough
I’m sorry I’m too loud
I’m sorry you don’t like me
But none of that is my fault
I can’t be what you want
And I hurt myself because of that
You don’t see what you say affects me
You don’t notice the self-inflicted wounds
You just keep adding on and on
On way I’ll break ya know,
With every words said against me
Another cut is made
Soon enough there won’t be enough room
When the day comes
Maybe I’ll have had enough of this abuse
Until then,
I’ll take what you give me
I’m just sorry you can’t see the good in others
I’m sorry you can’t see your own flaws
But sometimes sorry isn’t enough

The stranger
with the face of my mother
begs for love
abandoned by the door
She's lonely and lovely
I want to help, but she is no one
I can't give her anymore

She looks hurt I don't know her
She looks to the left
her cheeks wet
I feel a tiny stab
Something so familer in her face
But I don't know her
I can't give her anymore

She turns to go, head bowed low
I step forward with regret
Can she be her, mother?
How does one know?

I had a parent once
Someone was there
now there's a stranger
with the face of my mother
crying at my door

do you know how it feels, to look into your mother’s
eyes and see them weeping, and to know that
you are the reason behind her misery?
when she looks at you without the tears,
but you can still see their shadows
imprinted upon her cheeks? her eyes puffed like pillows,
though she cannot get rest?
to lay in bed at midnight and hear her quietly sobbing
to herself through the ****** thin walls that seem to echo louder
and louder the more she suppresses the sound?
do you know how it feels to watch your mother helplessly watch you die?
to see the pain through her glass-fragile eyes?


because i do.

Hear me! Hear me!
Says the silent song of sadness that whispers and whirls around the back of your brain
Because they don't like you like they used to

So listen to the whispers in your head instead, because they know who to trust and they know what's best

Pity me! Pity me!
You want to scream at them- 'you've abandoned me here! you've left me alone with my fears!'
But then someone else screams first, and you're sorry for wanting any more than nothing

Scream in silence into the void of an unpublished post instead- retreat back inside of your head

Love me! Love me!
They could be your mother, you know- well, not quite, not so
But you wish they would take you into their arms; clutch you to their *****
But they aren't there when you need them, like the parent you always deemed them

Latch onto the first sign of affection again- it doesn't matter if you get hurt, dear friend

Hurt me! Hurt me!
From the quietest plea to the loudest scream
A broken mutter in the darkness of a night where you closed the curtains to a dream
I love you, so hurt me bad and make it go away; so that I can feel lonely again

Being away from you is pain, it's pain, so hear me scream your name

Tell me what it means to be a family. Tell me about dinners around the table and christmas cards. Tell me about how on Sunday morning you’ll all pile into the car and go to church together. Tell me about how your parents bought your car. Tell me about how your mom writes a check for lunch money. Tell me about New Year's parties. Tell me about summer camping trips and barbecues. Tell me about how bright the stars shine from grandma’s house. Tell me about grocery lists and chores. Tell me about your normal lives with your normal houses and your normal cars. Tell me that someday my kids will go to school and be as normal as you. Tell me that someday my future will look like yours.Tell me about knowing how to be happy. Tell me about having money. Tell me about having parents who went to college. Tell me about about never having a reason to cry or feel alone. Tell me about hope.
Cause I can’t.
What I can tell you is why I’m terrified of alcohol. I can tell you about late nights crying in my room as my parents screamed at each other. I can tell you about Christmases with no gifts. I can tell you about sitting in a room surrounded by a language that felt heavy and full of danger despite that fact I’ve spoken it all my life. I can tell you about choking on the smell of cigarettes. I can tell you about red eyes and the scent of skunk. I can tell you about being terrified to cry because if I don’t stop crying then I’ll be given something to cry about. I can tell you about dark closets. I can tell you about the look of disgust in my father's eyes because I like girls too sometimes. I can tell you about how the police know my face but I don’t exist on record because my sister and I look very similar. I can tell you about my family’s inability to commit to anything. I can tell you about letting everything build up to the point that I’m crying in my bedroom alone because I don’t know the answer to a question on my college application and it’s 3 am.
I can also tell you about how much patience my friends have for me. About how I always have someone to call at 3 am to figure out when the heck I’m supposed to graduate. About how having someone tell you they love you and finally feeling comfortable to know that they’re not lying to you. About having friends who are honest enough to tell you to stop acting like a 13 year old girl, put on your big girl pants and be happy. About how amazing it felt to realize after 17 years that I am allowed to be happy, even when others aren’t. About a group of friends that always have a hug and kinds words ready. About a love that makes me wonder how I lived without knowing it exists. About how it took ten years but I’ve finally found the light at the end of the tunnel.
So tell me of a life where everything is perfect and mom and dad still love each other...or maybe not. Maybe I’ll live on to see that perfect life and I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise. Maybe, just maybe I’ll find that I’m already living my perfect life. That’d be a fun surprise.

I just want you
to be happy
but sometimes
and selfishly
I want to be
your happiness

But
'happiness is a choice'
you say
and you didn't choose me

I clung onto the idea
since you made me happy
it would be the same for you

What is happiness now?
where has it gone to?
In time, society has robbed us
the real meaning of happiness

Go on your own way
and pursue your happiness
for your smile, is my smile
your laugh, is my laugh

and I'll be happy
when you find your happiness
because I love you
always have, always will