From the moment I was born
I knew that I’d be safe
I knew if I was ever lost
you’d help me find my way
you taught me life could be a challenge
you taught me right from wrong
you taught me how to deal with struggles
you taught me to be strong
you taught me how to change a tire
so I wouldn’t be in distress
you taught me to see the good in life
when everything seems a mess
you taught me to play basketball
to be unselfish, and get along with others
you taught me to always give 100%
and to always listen to my mother
you taught me everything I know about sports
you taught me how to win
you taught me to be competitive
you taught me to never give in
you taught me the things I want in life
will never be given for free
to earn whatever my heart desires
is completely up to me
you taught me how to lose with grace
and use that as a tool
to keep on pushing forward in life
and that passion is my fuel
you taught me to treat my fellow man
with the respect that they deserve
and if you thought that I wasn’t listening dad
I heard every single word
you’ve always been my biggest fan
the best friend, a girl could have
thank you for making me who I am
I love you to the moon and back, DAD

Others judge me for being lazy when they cannot see the invisible walls created by my anxiety
I do not choose to panic every time I leave the solitude of my own room
I do not choose to shut down every time I make even the smallest mistake
I do not choose to put off taking care of my basic necessities until after the last second just so I can avoid talking to people
There are not enough words in the world to describe how much I wish I could leave the prison that my anxiety has created around me, but I seemed to have lost the key

i found stretch marks on my body the other day
i started slapping at them as tears ran down my face.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"
but now all i can think about is what men will think of the red streaks on my hips and legs
how i wont be pretty anymore
ugly.
so effing ugly.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"
they're natural, but i wouldnt have gotten them if i didnt gain a drastic amount
i cant see past them.
i weighed myself again, too.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"
theres more coming
i see more everyday
i cant wear bikinis anymore
i cant have *** anymore
i want to rip off my skin.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"

Everyone has their addictions. I’m addicted to you. I’m addicted to the way you make me feel in control while you wrap me around your finger. I’m addicted to the emptiness.  Drowning myself in banana coloured pills as I stuff my fingers down my throat. I wash my emotions flush down, swirling away as my body cries for mercy. For me stop abusing it for a vision of perfection that I will never reach alone. I can’t stop, losing control is like a death sentence. You’re killing me but I love you all the same. Sometimes I wish I could be free. To go back to a time when there were more than numbers on my plate. Before the calculator in my head began to count. A time when I was happy. The only way to be free is to let go of you. But letting go feels like dying even though I’m dying anyway. I can’t get enough of you. This pain is all I know. I am nothing without you. I sometimes want to live but I can’t bear the feelings of being alone. I love you.