I am not sure.
Sure of who I am.
I feel distant again.
Uncontrollably far.
And growing farther.
Farther from reality.
All the pain.
And the world pushing down.
I'm screaming as the pain surfaces.
Everything reopening wounds.
I need my friend but can't bother her.
She's having a wonderful times.
I don't need to cause stress.

I find love to be a painful concept. Each time i love, i risk opening a wound dug out by the animal in me. And in love's sick game i've grown tired of the fight, tired of the constant tug of war between the past, the present and the ****** heartache. After awhile, it all just seems easier to give up on, then to move forward. And i guess this is the feeling of losing yourself.

Love is a bleeding mess, red paint splattered on a ****** canvas. My heart decays like petals off a rose, wanting to be whole again. To be enslaved, I seek an act of closure because it's an ongoing issue. I get emotionally attached to someone then begin to push them away for unexplainable reasons.

I ******* worshipped the ground you walked on
For you, I picked up the pen
I wrote poems, letters, songs
I wrote my heart out again and again
I felt lucky to breathe your air, blessed with your company
I couldn't for the love of God figure out why you'd waste your time on me
So I praised you, kissed your ******* feet
I wasn't prepared for you to step on me
Force the breath out of me
Even though I watched it coming, it ruined me
You abandoned me, loathe me
Kicked the emotional living **** out of me
Now it's been quite a while and I still can't breathe
I'm trying to move on but all I do is bleed
Your blood, my veins
Your veins, my blood
It doesn't make a difference
When all's said and done
I'm colored rust with the stains and you're somehow clean
And I have only one conclusion for what the hell that means
You don't care at all, you don't care a bit
I'm bleeding out on the ground, you don't give half a ****
I loved you, I held you, tried to be anything you'd need
You scorned me heartlessly while I watched lovingly from my knees
Now talk around like I'm a demon, like I was anything but doting
And they listen to your every word, trusting your fake-sweet candy coating
Queen *****, queen bee, I hope this catches up to you
Queen cold, queen cruel, I hope this **** haunts you

The wind blows and I go with it 
Your love flows simultaneously in an exhibit
Of heartbreaks and sounds 
In which this bond seems to be bound 

Your eyes define nothing 
But your heart defines clouds 
Of  everlasting showers, above 
Is where we will find our never-ending love

Forty-nine flags furled,
Tears reflecting every hue,
On faces confusion swirled,
How could this loss be true?

Forty-nine families cry,
Looking for a reason in the pain,
Don't look where the bodies lie,
For how could they be slain?

Forty-nine sparks doused in water red,
With metal flying through the air,
Their last thoughts of dread,
But could the metal care?

Forty-nine lost to delusion,
Forty-nine lost to hate,
It still seems like an illusion,
Can we control our fate?

Forty-nine reasons not to become,
Like a homophobic man,
Who couldn't see the sum,
Of all the hearts that love and can,

Be better than that man.

I have rose petals in a jar
From a time I'd like to forget.
Tears stained red
Monsters in my bed
Broken down beauties
Locked in an airtight tomb
With clear walls
Forced to witness every heartbreak
And every sleepless night
How I wish I could stow it away
Leave it in a box on the top shelf
Of an old dusty closet
To remain there in perpetuity
But I could not bring myself
To rid of these darling petals
Though they’re from a time I’d like to forget
They serve as a grim reminder
Never to return to the hell-hole
Which I crawled out of
With jar-in-hand.

Always pay attention
When someone else is speaking
If it didn't mean something to them
They wouldn’t talk about it at all

Always listen closely
For the answers you are seeking,
May be closer than you think
Found in the ramblings of that call

Imagine if you will
A world where everyone cared
Where they leaned ear in intently
Instead of filling our heads with doubt

Maybe we'd all be happier;
Collectively less scared
We could solve all of life's problems
If we just heard everybody out

You see confidence builds greatness
Yet we continue to put each other down
Jealousy and rage keep us from turning the page
Even when the story could teach us something profound

I'm growing my own bluebells
Outside my cabin door.
They speak to me in colors
I've never seen before.

They're up-side down, their hue intense
Their shade pulls my heart.
I see their beauty deep
As passion, fury, and spark.

They use me for water
When they thirst and fade.
Their colors pull me back
They know I cannot stave.

I want them for my very own
I want them all with me.
They will be back, they'll be here
Cuz it's my true colors they see.