It just bursts forth,
The violence of emotion.
It completely incapacitates,
Creating a commotion.

Chaos ensues,
It's blinking from dark to light.
Now you're left to wonder,
Who's the enemy, who to fight.

It'll be easier to hide,
To pretend none of it's real.
Because with this violence,
It's just too much to feel.

You'd rather surrender,
Rather have none of this pain.
But insanity is vicious,
And you've got no one to complain.

This violence is cruel,
The emotional battle is crippling.
You're left breathless,
As the effects are just rippling.

In the midst of this disarray,
You plead to be saved.
But they're blind to the violence,
Their indifference is just depraved.

You feel like you've gone mad,
As the chaos is just raging on,
There's no way to explain it,
So.. you just end up staying silent.

Why is the poetry section at the bookstore
So small?
We're the misfits of the artistic spectrum
Why do they leave such a small hole for us?
Out of all the five star hotels, we're the only only art form that got a one star instead
We're going to need an umbrella, it's going to rain soon
Not because it's symbolic, but because the humidity is high
There needs to be a change in the literary frontier
I'm going to trick or treat, but i don't need no costume
I'm coming as myself
Ready to break through the barricades
And increase the size of these poetry shelfs for the future to embrace
More dreams and more elation than ever thought of before.
We may be the minority now, but it can change for the future
Don't buy a different crystal ball on me just yet
We're the eighth place team that will contend for the playoff
Just watch the curtains come undone
And the kids run
For that golden dream.

All the girls fall in love with you.
That's what you said.
So that's exactly what I did.
Like a cheap advertisement that makes you buy a shiny car,
Like a pusher-man who says, "just try it once, you won't get hooked...it's free anyway so what's the harm?"
I fell right into your trap.
I'm surprised I can even still walk
I've fallen so many times for the sweet talk.
When will I finally learn.
Play with fire and you're bound to get burned.

today I did not think about him
It is the first time in an entire year that I haven't
I don't realize this until tomorrow
but it is an accomplishment nonetheless

today I went to lunch, did laundry, drove to the gym
I didn't see his shadow in my rear view mirror
It is the first time during a commute where I don't feel the overwhelming urge to pull over
often the speed of the traffic mixed with the acceleration of my thoughts guides me to the side of the road
anxiety blowing loudly through the vents into my open mouth until I am too tired to focus-
today is the first time that didn't happen

last week I googled "therapists near me"
I settled on a woman with a nice smile and a specialty for trauma
This is the first time I find myself familiar with that word
almost comfortable like a distant family member I am just now recognizing
trauma is something with one definition but too many faces
for the past eight months I have been wearing his

on monday I spend an hour in the office of a stranger
she asks me why I'm here and I respond with I don't know but
my answer is as dishonest as my avoidance is expanding
she asks me how I am and I almost forget that I didn't come all this way to say fine
for a moment I almost forget that I am not.

I tell her about him without trying
I don't say his name
or the details I remember with more clarity each day that goes by
she says memories are really only what we remember each time we remember them
I think it's funny how I remember more every time I do
how sometimes laying in bed becomes catalyst to chest pain
I can still feel him kneeling on top of mine
pressing body into cracked ribs into spit on my neck
I can hear his humming of a song they play too often on the radio
there is no trigger warning for the reminders life has to offer
I find them everywhere without trying

she understands as much as I want her to
she says it's really about power
I say I know
she asks if I feel like I lost some kind of control
I say yes
I don't tell her that I have spent countless hours trying to find it
in bodies that aren't my own
digging nails into muscle and mattress trying to pull out some semblance of who I used to be
For too long I have covered up with a bandage
I am just now ripping it off for the first time
this pain is a sort of cleansing
I took three showers after he left but it is only today that I feel his remnants washed off my skin
I can't help but wonder if this is what Pinocchio felt the first time he was honest with his demons

today I did not think about him
yesterday I did not think about him
the day before I only thought about myself and pizza and myself again
there is very real possibility that my mind could figure out a way to bring back the unwanted
that tomorrow could be another way to remember
but today I didn't
I went to lunch, did laundry, drove to the gym
I made it home without incident
not perfect,
but it is an accomplishment
nonetheless

I guess I won that stupid fight of "I love you more."

the sunset was stunning
just like you
the constant clickity clack of the train wheels on the tracks
remind me of the beat of your heart
everywhere i go
has bits and pieces of you
a trail of clues
for me to put together
until the sun has set
the clickity clack of the wheels has silenced
and i step into the night
and am blinded by the most beautiful light
you