The picture of you is getting worn out,
I bring it everywhere,
My back right pocket is where you are,
always.
It’s the only way I can think of
To have you be a constant part of my life.

It’s not supposed to be this way,
You’re supposed to be there for me,
always.
You shouldn’t have been ripped away from me like this,
All it’s done is bring me pain.
Mommy, the one thing I can never call you to your face.
Calling you by your name,
is what brings me the most pain.

I wish you knew that I loved you,
I wish you knew that if I could be with you,
I would.
I would do anything for you,
anything at all.
I wish you knew that everyday I cry over you,
and every night in my dreams,
I do to.
There is not a second of the day I’m not thinking of you,
no matter how hard I try, you always creep back into my mind.

I do what I do to make you proud,
I do what I do hoping you will approve.
I do what I do because I love you,
and don’t want you to think anything less of me.

I sit here all day,
And wonder,
what my life would be,
if you had stayed.
How it would be different,
How it would be the same.
I go through everyday,
Wondering what it would be like,
Imagining what it could be like,
Imagining the person I could have been.
I wonder how you would be different,
How Daddy would be different.
I wonder everything.

I wonder if you had a time machine,
and you could go back to the start,
and erase what you had done,
if you would.
Erase me from your mind,
erase me from your soul.

Those other kids don’t know what it’s like,
to be ripped away at such a young age,
to be taken from the only thing you know,
to be taken from the only thing you love,
And placed in the hands of someone else,
who doesn’t move the same,
sound the same,
feel the same.
The pain doesn’t end,
and I can’t stop the wondering.

The tears stream down my face,
I’ve lost something I can never replace.
The tears drip on the picture of you,
smearing the ink.

Momma I miss you,
Momma I love you,
Momma I need you,
Momma why don’t I get to have you?

When a diet
Became a way to lose weight

When calories
Became a negative word

When 130 pounds
Became overweight

When skinny
Became positive

That was when
All the little girls started *dying

If you listen carefully enough you can hear her voice break as her words smash off the rocks of her insecurities.

I just passed where the accident was
when I was little whenever we passed something like that my parents would make me cover my eyes
But this time I couldn’t cover my eyes
I saw it all
the mangled car
the skid marks which stopped at the edge of the cliff where the car went off
the police taking pictures of the wreck their faces emotionless and blank
the flaggers slowly letting people through, smoking away the stress of what they saw
I feel for the officer who had to tell the family “There’s been a fatal accident” and I feel for the family who had an officer knock on their door and say “There’s been a fatal accident”
And I wish
That my parents were there to say “close your eyes” so I didn’t have to see the violence and sadness of life and death
But this time
I had to drive by
Eyes wide
to the reminder that no one has forever