Loser

Loser Mar 2019

My Ghosts, My apology, and my self destruction

Is poetry not enough? Do my songs still not help? The ghosts that I've conjured scream no. Writing always made me miss you more clearly; but it never made me stop missing you.

And I think I’ve managed to **** up every good thing that has happened to me. My vocabulary is becoming strictly “I’m sorry” And I am. But I’m sorry doesn’t fix everything. And sorry didn’t fix us.

I always say that I write to confront my fears, but I’m starting to think that I’m just writing to myself. And poem after poem I only become more aware that the almost inevitable self destruction is my biggest risk.

I’ll pound knuckles into walls, I’ll etch pencil into paper, and I’ll stay in the same spot for what feels like forever. I’ll conjure more ghosts. I’ll scream “I’m sorry” and in the end I will be the only one to blame.

But In the end I’ll still blame you.

#blame #imsorry #destruction #hate #fear #poems #writing

Loser Mar 2019

My guitar playing is rivaled by scratch tickets and shattered dreams

“You are failing math, but you still take the time to play guitar.
And because of this you can’t calculate the probability of how impossible it is for you to make it.
play the lottery, your chances won’t change.”

I hate how you are right.

#hate #guitar #chance #sad #father

Loser Mar 2019

Scars

Things wont be the same after this.
I know that they weren't for me.

It takes time for these things to heal,
and it leaves a nasty scar.

But it's a scar you wear with your family,
It's a scar that keeps you strong.

Know that the sadness is okay,
know that I am never far.

This one is for you. I hope you are doing okay... I really, really hope that you are holding on.

#sad #hurt #scar #love #life #death #hope

Loser Mar 2019

The Easy Lie

They always ask.
You always ask.
I know that you're there.
I know that you will always be there.
It's just that sometimes It's easier to say that I'm fine,
rather than telling you the truth.
How I feel as though my friends are strangers,
how all the songs I write don't make things better,
how you are in my reach yet I can't grasp you,
how I'm really not fine.

I wrote this forever ago. Finally got the guts to post it

#lie #sad #help #imfine #im #fine #truth

Loser Mar 2019

Central Park

I haven't written in a while.
I think it's because I've been happy.
I guess that once the fear is tamed,
and the insecurities shrink down,
I'ts a lot easier to flash an honest smile.

I owe most of it to you.
But I think I've been slowly getting better.
Negativity used to haunt my mind with no end in sight,
Turning subtleties into monstrosities and leaving me awake at night.
But that was before I started looking up. Before I found you.

Cheesy. as. ****.

#happy #negative #sad #positive #smile #fear #idk #cheesy

Loser Mar 2019

Run

Is it that I ran away,
Or did you not run after me?

#run