Duty is an act of violence put on is the second we are born into the world.

The second I picked up the crown I was covered in blood that belonged to no one but myself. The throne looks right at me. The sword lays at my side. It bore my name long before I took my first breath. There is one rule and I will follow it to my grave.

Despite all of my attempts I have never been healer. I blame my ****** up parents. I hurt people and they leave and I am alone in a room full of silence. I sing to try and forget, but it does not work.

There is a home waiting for me with someone else, in a town I want to breathe in. I will leave this town quietly and at night I will tremble but he reaches over and touches me like a prayer for which no words exist.

In my nightmares the one who hurt me says “I love you” and all of a sudden my anger feels like a curse. I don’t know if I was born with anger in my veins or if it stuck after a while but, it’s all I have.

Being alive is a sin. My anger is a sin. God taught me guilt when I was about nine. I haven’t let it go since. I will die tired and when I go I will go somewhere good. I hope it’s good because hell is nothing but doubt, which I’ve felt my whole life.

Let me be free.

I lay in bed at night asking the ceiling “but how can I sleep with all of this blood on my hands and the weight of the world in my head?”

My heart feels full and empty at the same time. I just really miss you. 930 miles seems like it’s on the other side of the world. I don’t know that I’ll ever see you again. But, I hope I do. Hope feels like nothing more than a dream. So I’ll let you go and I’ll let you keep coming back and hope one day I can wake up next to you on a warm sunny summer day, make us coffee and thank the universe for the hope I held onto when I felt both full and empty.

I only knew you for a month. I met you and then you were gone. As quick as the change of seasons here in Illinois. But I get it. I get why you left. I would too. I don’t know that I’ll ever see you again. If I only get to know you for a month that’s ok too. If you ever decide to come home I hope you find me. I’ll continue on with my life and move along with the changing seasons and smile when a boy tells me I’m pretty. I’ll wonder what you’re up to from time to time and pray to whatever God there is that maybe I can see you again soon.

I don’t think about where you might be anymore

I don’t think about who you might be with

I don’t know you

You don’t know me

We were young

We didn’t know any better

I thought the sun would never rise again

When you left

But it did

And I grew

And so did you

I wish I could record
Every word you spoke to me
Every glance you took at me
And rewatch it over and over
Just to feel the
butterflies in my stomach
The redness in my cheeks
The smile on my face that wouldn’t leave
I wanted to replay you
Over and over
I wanted to write a 12 page essay
On the way your hands moved when you spoke
And how you would brush your body
Up against mine
Even though you knew
You weren’t suppose to.
I want to meet you for the first time
A million times
I want to watch you
For the rest of my days
And pray to god this feeling never
Goes away.

I’ve been begging life for years
To be kinder
Softer
And when it’s not
I stop and think what did I do
Wrong?
I was the problem the whole time.
I was not kind
I was not soft
I had walls built hundreds
Of feet high.
I had thorns sticking out if every
Crevice.
How could I ask something to
Be kind
When I couldn’t practice it myself?
I asked the universe to take these
Tall walls
And thick thorns
Away.
I said
“If you won’t give me kindness, I’ll give it to you. I will be soft. I will be forgiving. I will think before I speak. I will be better.”

So life was finally calm. Soft. Kind. And so was I.

I could write a book
With 1,000 pages
And I still wouldn’t be able
To properly describe how I feel
How I felt
About you.
How many days
How many nights
How many mornings
I woke up with you
Thinking I would have
forever
But you’re going to
Spend your forever with
Someone else.
Which is fine
I knew we weren’t meant to last forever
Maybe in a different life
A different universe.
I still think about the cool
Spring breeze rolling through
Your bedroom window the first
Time I came over
And how I couldn’t believe
I was so comfortable
That I could fall asleep in your bed
And sometimes I smell your cologne on
A random person
And think to myself
“What if it had worked out”

But I know this is for the best
And I hope you’re happy.

I’m sorry for what I say when I’m upset
I’m not like this
I’m suppose to be patient
I’m suppose to be smart
I’m embarrassed that I’m so worked up
I’m not crazy
I swear
I don’t know where this all came from
Wise beyond my years
This isn’t how I’m suppose to act
I’m sorry I’m so upset
You’re in my dreams
You’re written all over my face
Branded into my lungs
I can’t breathe without tasting smoke

Was she worth it?
Was I not enough for you?
How sad that motel 6 must’ve been
At 4 pm on a Sunday afternoon.
Did your clothes smell like her when you left?
I can’t even look at you
Because all I can see
Is someone else’s hands all over
Your body.
Was she worth it?
Did you need to **** her to feel something?
I should’ve listened the first 8 million times
I can’t escape this burning feeling in my chest
I want to rip my heart out of
My body
I want to feel nothing.
I hope she was ******* worth it.

Your heart must pump honey throughout your body

You are sweet

You stick to everyone you meet.

It shines throughout the golden locks

That fall gently from your head

Passed the nape of your neck.

You are everything bright

And everything beautiful.

As if the sun came down

To gently touch you at birth.

You are the light in everyone’s life.

I carry my father’s secrets
Like 1000 pound weights
On each shoulder
Every day.

She mean't that much to you

Even though you spent months

years

convincing me it was nothing.

I was stupid to think that maybe for once

just once

I would come first.

Because I'm different right?

Or were you always seeing her eyes

every time you looked into mine?

you ruined me and you didn’t even know it
because you didn’t even know my name
but it was your smile
it was the brightest smile
i have seen in awhile.
i’ve been in the dark lately
so when your face lit up the room
i became attached
like a moth
to a fire

my lungs are screaming
heart is longing
always longing
for somewhere i’ve never
even been.
longing for somewhere that
may not even exist
but i can smell it
i can feel it
i can put myself there
and for a moment i feel the calm
the space
and the peace
i’ve needed
for what feels like forever.

When you chose the other women
over your wife
son
and daughter
did you feel it at all?
We wanted to save you from your disease
and they wanted to fuel it
with every shot they poured down your throat.
Did they know how sad we all were?
Did they know we begged you to stop?
Was it worth not only killing yourself
but killing all of us with you?

Last night lightning tore through
the sky and the thunder
shook my house.
The rain flooded the streets
and tornados ripped the Midwestern plains
to shreds.
Afterward the sky painted itself dark red
with wisps of light pink.
Was God trying to apologize?
Did the acres of destroyed land
the flooded neighborhood streets
the lightning burned trees
see the painted sky and forgive?
Should we?

If we have to be destroyed to see beauty
should we forgive?

It’s almost like you are stitched into my blood stream
someone took a needle and thread you through my body
and even though we don’t speak anymore
your ghost follows me
do you ever think about it?
I should’ve asked you when I had the chance
Because when I cut you out of me
I didn’t stitch it up right.
I am left with no answers
and bleeding wounds
for the rest of my life.
Hoping the body will do what
it’s suppose to do
and mend itself.
But wounds won’t heal
if you keep ripping them open.
And I’m not sure I
cut all of you out of me
when I had the chance.

but maybe I didn’t want to.

I can always find a silver lining.
There was never a struggle that I couldn't handle.
But I cant handle this.

Growth is suppose to make you feel lost
it's suppose to make you feel scared.
But should it suffocate you?
Why do I feel like I am dying when I should be moving forward?

Dear God please tell me I am not dying.

Why is my life ending when it should be starting?
Their whispers ring in my ears through the night,
they wake me up at 7 A.M.

why the **** are you guys screaming at 7 A.M?

Please go back to bed.
We don't have to drown if we are not awake.
We can live in our dreams.
You are still smiling in my dreams.
I am still smiling in my dreams.
When I am awake I am dying.

How am I already ******* dying?

This time last year I wore a mask,
Saturday nights started to ruin my life
And you tried to convince me you loved me.
You now have my phone number blocked
Because I found someone else to show me
What love feels like.
It shouldn’t feel like flames burning
And destroying everything around you.
It’s flames burning on the inside,
Burning in your chest
To keep you warm through January.
I was blind.
You had blinded me with so much alcohol
On those Saturday nights
To try and convince me it was right.
But I knew it wasn't in our cards.
And you still hate me for it
To this day.

The fire started in my parent’s room
They tried to shut the door
So my little brother and I wouldn’t know.
The smoke went through the cracks and down the hallway. My father was the one who lit the match,
Even when he promised he wouldn’t.
But like I’ve always been told,
“An addict is always an addict”
and my mother just couldn’t take it anymore.
The fire spread to my bedroom first,
Burning all my childhood memories,
Leaving scars and smoke in my lungs
That would be there forever.
Did they know what they were doing to me? My little brother acts like it never happened. But I know he wishes his role model
Never lit that match.
How could the man who taught him how to play baseball Ever do such a thing?
My little brother stopped playing baseball
And I moved out of my bedroom
But some things will never leave you And to this day I can still smell
The lingering odor of smoke
On my clothes.

Snakes are sneaky
they slither through the grass
without making a sound.
When they bite
it is deadly.
Your words come out like venom
goes into my bloodstream
and nearly kills me.
The only difference is
you do it by making a lot of sound.
Yelling.
You like to yell.
But so do I.
Are my words venom to you as well?
Just before I die, you apologize.
I start breathing again
and I think you do too.
But everyone knows we do this
every weekend
and Snakes never just bite once.

You turn the music up all the way
so you can try to drown out your fathers words
repeating over and over again in your head.
This time it was about your weight.
Even though he couldn't even say it
without all the words coming out slurred
and his eyes rolling to the back of his head.
You wanted so bad to tell him that
you could lose a few pounds,
but he will always be an alcoholic.
But you don't because that would
only make him angrier.
You knew he was only taking it out
on you because his wife was leaving him.
You just walk away
knowing he wouldn't even remember
the conversation in the morning anyway
because he does this all the time
and you're used to it.

It starts in my chest as a small burning flame.
I feel it go down my right arm and into the tips of my fingers.
Almost painful to the touch, my hands tingle.
Almost as if my soul was trying to reach out to anything that would reach back.
My face turns hot and red.
I try to take a deep breath but feel as if my lungs have quit their job.
I lose control of myself.

They tell you how bad it hurts when
a lover leaves, but they never
warn you about ending friendships.
How the person you would talk to
and see everyday, doesn't want to
talk to you and see you anymore.
And you know you did nothing wrong,
just a simple change in mind.
But this was the person who was
never suppose to leave.
The one you called family.

They tell you love is kind.
The first time i fell in love,
love was not kind.
Love left me hurt
love gave me anxiety
love left bruises and marks.
The second time i fell in love
i was a lot more careful.
And this is when love
made sure i was okay at 3am.
Love didn't try to put a hold on
my life, but joined it.
Love didn't compete with me,
but encouraged me.
Love told me i was special,
and i listened, despite being told
i was the opposite the first time.
When i heard the three words for
the first time again, it didn't sting.
It lifted.
And i felt it once again.

The thing about being used to being broken,
is being used to being broken.
When being broken becomes home.
When you're happy but sometimes
you wanna run back into your
burning house because, it is home
isn't it?
Because you don't need to build
another home just to burn it
down again.
Because pain held you
when no one else would.
Because this is who you are
this is who you've always been.

you had to have known it hurt.
you had to have.
I could’ve drowned myself
in anything
but of course it had to be you.
and this shouldn’t break me
but this broke me.
and I felt nothing because
you made me numb
and I swear that i’m done
I always swear that i’m done.
and you know I like your hair long
and you know I hate it when
you look at me like that
but you always look at me like
that and I drown every single
******* time because
that’s what they do to you
and you let them do it.

it hurt.
the kind of “what if” hurt.
what if it was me?
what if you got lost in my eyes
in the middle of night instead
of hers?
what if I never let you go?
she wasn’t there when
those cigarette burns
were fresh but I was.
she didn’t know,
but I did.
it should have been me.
it should have just
******* been me.

Go ahead
hold me a little longer
than usual.
You say to me,
without using any
words at all,
"it should have been me,
its still me."
Like i don't already see
those sky blue eyes
every time i close my own.
Because we're still holding
on to god knows what.
Because it is you
and it will always be you.

Your hair was long in the summer
and I can barely remember the way
I used to run my hands through
it and the way your tanned skin
would come together with mine.
When the leaves started to change
you cut it off, kind of like how
we started to cut each other off.
And I still have your winter coat
from weeks ago because
if I gave it back, it could mean
letting go, which we all know
I couldn't easily do with you.

they looked at me and said
“what happened to him?”
and I said back,
“well, I don’t think he’s
capable of caring for anyone
but himself right now,
but when he is, she
is going to be the luckiest
human in the world.
and I will always be jealous.”

White wine and blonde hair.
Thats all I saw for months
after the first night you kissed
me goodbye last spring.
You were the first thing
I loved after falling out of love.
One bench.
One river.
One bottle of wine.
Two people.
Eight months of pain
ahead of me
that I could have never imagined
would have ended the way it did.
But for the rest of my life I would
see white wine and blonde hair.

You were fire
but so was I.
When you didn't get your way
you got angry with me.
When I didn't get my way
I got angry with you.
And when we would get over it
I would let you call me
when you were drunk
and run my fingers through
your hair in the dead of the night.
I would read your grocery lists for you.
I would wear your clothes home.
I would let you kiss my shoulders.
I would breathe your toxins in
because you made my flame
a lot stronger.

You couldn't even cut the tension in
the air with a knife
because of how thick it was.
You and I have managed
to make the air around us concrete.
And here I was
trying to grow flowers
in the cracks,
even though me and you
really knew how to poison
those flowers
until they could grow no longer.

The snow fell that Sunday night
with ease and i thought
how can the sky let go so calmly
when it was just storming
a few hours ago.
Storming like the way you stormed
out of the room after watching me
dance and let go
even when she was sitting right
next to you.
And your eyes were fixed on me
like i was the best thing
you could have had.
Until you realized i would not
be in your bed that night.
I let go of you like the sky
let go in the dead of night
and never looked back.

I wonder how you feel getting your hands tangled in her long blonde hair as opposed to my raven black hair and if there was a difference between you telling her she was yours when you were drunk, as opposed to you taking me to have dinner with your family when you were sober. and I wonder if I sit outside your bedroom window and burn through enough cigarettes while you’re in there with her, it’ll burn your memory out of my mind. Maybe the cigarettes would **** me before you could.

i fall in love with every sunset.
i fall in love with hidden restaurants
that have lights stringing along
the ceiling.
i fell in love with the way i healed
my own heart after he left.
i fell in love with each time i broke
my own heart only to grow stronger.
i fell in love with the way he sat next to
me by the river.
i fell in love with the way he knew how
much i loved to be kissed, and then
i fell in love with how much he took
advantage of it when he was drunk.
i fell in love with the way he sat at
the kitchen table all night with me until
we fixed the problem.
i fell in love with the way he asked me
if i liked the new shirt his mom bought him.
i fell in love with the way he asked me to
read his grocery lists.
i fell out of love when his jealous mind
raged wars on me for months at a time.
i fell out of love when i heard him talking
about the other girls.
i fell out of love when i decided to love
someone new.
i did not love how sometimes i can still
feel his hands on my waist
and his lips on my shoulders.
i did not love how much i would think
about him day and night.
i did not love the fact that there
is no explanation for the way i feel
about him.
there is no reason i want to chase what
doesn't want me, only to leave behind
what would give me the world.
i fell in love with the way the
cigarette burns lined up on his
skin and then never looked back.

I knew it was for the best.
I sacrificed my heart for you
when I gave it to someone else
because I knew we would only end
up broken.
I knew this was it for us.
whatever we were
whatever we had
would be gone for the rest of our lives.
I could take it I knew I could.
I would soon forget about you.
and when I woke up new year’s day
after you got drunk and angry and destroyed everything in your house,
i told my friend, and she said,
“i’m glad he didn’t break you”
but I think walls and glass weren’t
the only things that have been broken
by him the last nine months.

Your name popped up on my phone
right at midnight on my birthday.
You wished me a happy birthday before
anyone else.
Your name also popped up on
my phone at 2 am
when you're drunk
and alone.
Your name popped up on my phone
at 10 am
apologizing for what you did
the night before.
You wouldn't leave
but maybe you're not
suppose to.

I have been looking for the words
to describe this feeling for 26 days
and they didn't come to me until
you left me to be with her.
I told you that I wanted you to be
happy, and god do I wish that were true.
I was suppose to be your happy.
It was suppose to be me.
I made myself vulnerable to you
and you chose her.
and I thought to myself,
"I cant wait to find someone
who loves me unconditionally
for who I am as a person"
and I thought I found that in you
until you left my home
to go be with her at yours.

I couldn't figure out the missing
piece of me until I was driving home
from my childhood home and realized
I didn't actually have a home.
My childhood home was filled with
so many ghosts and a father
who couldn't stay sober for the
sake of my mother, brother, and me.
My home away from home was
filled with so much pain that
I caused on my own
seeing as I was nothing
but a train wreck these days.
I was missing a sense of warmth
in my heart because I had no where
to run. But maybe it wasn't about
running, maybe I should have made
my own home inside my own heart.
Maybe my own body and soul
would be the only home I could
make sure would never crumble.