Dark hair.
Dark hair was what
I was always after.
That was until you swept
into the room with
blonde curls
falling down your
forehead.
And I can spot that
red Mustang from miles
and miles away.
I started to paint
my nails red.
My lips red.
Even though I was never
that fond of the color red.
You painted my life
a different color
when you entered it
and im afraid that i will
never be able to get rid of it.

there's a strength
in watching all the
other girls around you
fall for you,
even though i've seen
the way your mother talks
to you at your dinner table
in your childhood home.
i've watched tears stream down
your face because you couldn't
understand why you were so
different from anyone else.
i've listened to what hurts you.
you sat on a bench with me, drunk,
and told me you were scared of love.
i've seen the deepest parts of you.
and the night you came outside, drunk,
you said, "i care about you.
i really care about you. please
never hurt yourself, please."
and i said the same thing back.
you walked back inside to all
the girls drooling over you and left
me in the cold, but i knew where i stood
with you, i just hope at the end of the
day you know who will always
be there for you.

i remember all the times
i made you say goodbye
to me a little longer
just in case i never
got to say goodbye again.
i didn't know the last time
we said goodbye,
was going to be the last
time i would ever see you.
i didn't know this until you
ended our relationship
over the phone the next day.
i've just about come to terms
with it all now that it's
been months.
but i still wonder if all the
extra minutes i made you
stay and hold me
until you left
accounted for the time
i never actually got to
say goodbye to you.

I let you dig your poisonous
claws into me one more time
before I walked away.
This time when you said sorry,
I said it wasn't okay.
We are not okay.
Whatever this is, it's not okay.
I couldn't understand why you
took the one person who cared about
you and tossed them around
like they would always come back.
And maybe it's because I did always
come back.
Not this time.
You have hurt me for the last time.

did you think you could just take
the most vulnerable parts of me
and then leave without saying a word,
like i wouldn't rage a storm on you?
like it hasn't happened to me before?
did you think you would be so special
that i would let you ruin me?
because you got the one girl that your teammates couldn't stop talking about.
because you used her.
because she told you about the things
that made her bones ache?
and then you left,
without saying one word.
did it make you feel good?
and now you can't even pick up
the phone and answer when she asks
why.
because you are that weak.
honey, let's be real here:
you could never handle this storm
and we both knew that.

as much as i wanted to be wrong,
i knew i was right.
we are not meant to be.
two people cut from different cloths.
You and I.
two different branches
stemming from two different trees.
we never stood a chance.
this world couldn't handle two
huge weeping willows
put together as one.

We filled the room with
music that ran through our veins
as we sat on the floor and cried
because of all the people who dug
their claws so far into us
and then ripped them out
so fast
without any warning.
We drank straight from the
bottle of ***** like it was going to
tell us why they left when we got to
the bottom of it.
My best friend ripped all the
pictures she had of him off her
wall and threw them in the garbage.
And i thought to myself
"if only feelings were as easy to
get rid of as ripping pictures
of the people who hurt us off
the walls."
Then i thought to myself how
many times i would have ripped
your picture off the wall
if i had to do it everytime you
hurt me, but also how many times
i would be taping them back up
when you say sorry.

I had millions of stars
inside of me when you
first met me.
You managed to put
out every single one by
the time you left.
With your words,
broken promises,
and fists.
But did you think these
galaxies would never re-light
and burn brighter than before
when you left?
You will never fully put
out this flame.

My bones shattered beneath
my skin.
My rib cage could no longer
hold my heart steady.
The blood rushed
through my body.
And I had to force myself
to take a deep breath
one last time.
Theres no way I could
break like this again.
I dropped to my knees
and thought to myself
"I can't possibly
do this anymore."
And I swear that night
I could have drowned myself
in the shower.

I thought to myself,
"I can't be with him, because
I am in love with someone else."
And I did not come up with this conclusion
because I was waiting for that someone
to come around.
I knew that wasn't going to happen.
But I did it because it would not be fair.
I would lay with him at night
and wish he was that other someone.
While he had soft skin
and lips
just like that other someone,
I would still only imagine it being
that someone.
And I constantly thought
to myself
"I can't do that to him."
Yes, he puts stars in my sky,
but the stars of that other
someone burned so much brighter
in that same sky.
I just can't seem to let him go.

You crawl under my skin without even realizing
what you're doing.
Every time I tried to shed
myself of you,
you always ******* came back.
Every time I said to myself,
"this is it, this is the end."
You always snuck back in
and wrapped your arms
tightly around me.
You are an addiction to me.
It's killing me so slowly.
So painfully.
And you didn't even know it.
Because you will never feel the same.
This death is slow and this death hurts.
But I'll take every minute of it
just for a few happy seconds with you.
You are ****** in a human form.
You are whats going to end me.

It was 1 a.m.
I was at a bar,
you were probably
at your house,
drunk,
having people come over.
I texted you
and the first thing you
said to me was "come over"
but you and I
both know that wasn't
going to happen anymore.
I had to tell you I didn't
hate you.
Because the last time
I talked to you the words
poured out of my
mouth like lava
and I was sure you
would never talk to
me again.
But sure enough,
without even hesitating
the second my name popped
up on your screen
you told me to come see you.
And that's what drove
me crazy.
Despite everything
you still always wanted
to see me.
And that's what made me wonder,
despite us being so against
being together,
we can never leave each other
alone.
I could only think
you wanted me
as much as i want you,
but we both know
we will never
admit it.
Maybe two people
are meant to meet,
but can never be together.

Before you go on to break my heart you should know:
These walls are made of brick and they will not
fall, no matter how awful the trauma is.
This heart has been shattered plenty of times,
but it has been put back together every single time,
by no one other than myself.
I have fought many different wars for many years.
Let me tell you that if you even think you are capable
of tearing down my castle,
you can't.
I have built this house so strong
that even the strongest storm
will not tear it down.
This house was built from
storms and it will never
be destroyed by one.

I hope the next girl your with
has light eyes
so you have the chance
to miss the way I would
gaze at you
with my eyes
dark as night.
And I hope her hair
is blonde
so you miss the
dark black waves
that ran over your
chest when I
laid next to you.
You always told me
I was a mystery,
and I was always dark.
Maybe you couldn't take it.
Maybe you would settle
for day instead of night.
But always remember,
the stars can't shine
through the night
without darkness.

You wrapped your arms
around me in the middle of the
night, I almost forgot what it
was like to be cared for,
until you reminded me.
And when I came over
and took care of you
while you were drunk
I was in fear,
because growing up
and even in past relationships
I only saw violence in
intoxicated men.
But when you looked at me,
while I was only wearing
an old T-Shirt and shorts,
and called me beautiful
I knew I shouldn't be afraid.
You started showing me what it's
like to be cared for,
instead of abused
and used.
And I know I may be scared sometimes,
almost like some sort of
bad PTSD,
but please just stay with me.

They'll let you
destroy yourself
for them,
and when you decide you
have had enough pain,
and leave,
they'll act like you
were the one who
ruined it.

I wish I could tell you about
all the late night drives
I had to take this summer,
and how I would think about
you every second.
I swear to god there were
times I would pass your exit
on the highway
and I would almost turn around
and drive straight to you.
But I haven't seen you since April,
and considering it's now September,
I'm sure you don't think of
me much.
I would listen to your old
voicemails, and sometimes
I would almost swerve into
lanes because my eyes
would be blurry from the tears.
I always thought to myself,
if the last thing I heard
was you whispering
"I love you"
through the phone
on an open road at
midnight, I don't think
I would quite care.

He said "just friends, good friends."
and i nodded in agreement,
even though i felt the fire spark
in my chest long ago.
They all warned me about you,
and i didn't listen.
How was i suppose to
push the feelings away
when all i can think about was
the traces of your hands all
over me
and the warm feeling i got
when you kissed my shoulders.
It was nearly impossible,
but maybe i should've learned my lesson
when i saw you talking to her
pushed up against the wall
in the middle of a party
at three in the morning.
Maybe i should've learned when you
told me you couldn't possibly
have feelings for anyone,
but told me a few weeks later
she was the one that sparked the fire
in your chest.
You would always choose me second.
I think this is the slowest and most
painful way of killing yourself.
But i shouldn't care,
because he always said
just friends,
even when he got too drunk
and decided he wanted to
be in love for the night.

I didn't realize how much i was going
to miss you until the cold breeze started
to flow through my windows.
You reminded me of Autumn.
My favorite season out of them all.
The cold air hit me like you did,
when i first met you.
I realized i didn't want to
live through another fall season
again, if i had to do with without you.
Now that you're gone i know the leaves
are still going to change.
That doesn't mean you're going to come back.
I just let the cold breeze roll in
along with autumn memories with you
and i still go on,
everyday,
as if you never existed.

I know, i should have known
better, the one person
i wanted, only wanted me
when he was drunk.
And i tried to stay
away,
but he was a drug to me.
He would never do this sober,
but when he was drunk
he would kiss me from my lips to my shoulders,
he would take me in his arms,
and he would feed this false sense of hope
into my heart,
and i knew it was all fake.
But i didn't care because i just
needed something to sedate.
Something to remind me
of what's it's like to feel
warmth,
even just for a second.
Because any other moment of the
day my blood ran cold,
and i feared that he might be the only
thing to heat me up.
Even though i tried so many times
to kick him out,
he always came back.
Like a disease.

Sometimes you meet a once
in a life time person,
and your paths will only
cross once,
like an eclipse.
But it will be the most
beautiful moment of your
life.
And the whole world will stop
and look in awe,
like the moon crossing
over the sun for just a quick moment.

I am not the the night
i took comfort in another women's
idea of a home.
I will not be defined by the man
who only took what he wanted
and not what would make me
happy.
nor will i be defined by the man
who i let lay hands on me
and forgave home plenty of times
after.
I am the coffee shop i sit in
alone in the middle of the
afternoon to gain my piece
of mind.
I am the sunset i drive into,
alone, on weekday nights.
I'm made of the flowers i pick for
myself and put in a vase.
I'm not what these people think
of me to be.
I am so much more wrapped into
human skin.
And if they don't understand that,
they will never understand you.

I built him a home
with two arms and
a whole heart.
Well, maybe the heart wasn't
whole, this heart has been shattered
plenty of times, but i gave it all
to him.
I gave him this home to feel safe
to feel love
to feel no fear.
But maybe he didn't like the color
or the clouds that sometimes
hung over head,
because he left and burned
it to the ground.
I hope he feels safe and nothing but love
and i hope no fear ever steps in his way.
And maybe he would prefer the home
she builds for him instead.
Maybe she'll build it with bright
colors and may the sun always shine
where he is.
We all know a heart that has been shattered can never make a steady
home.
But maybe my house was only
made for one, and maybe
he was never welcomed
in the first place.

And i refused to love anyone
the way i loved you
until i felt that fire ignite
in my chest,
like it did the first day
i talked to you,
when you told me
my smile made your
world go round
the first time you saw it.
i wonder if you felt that fire
too and if you
refuse to give yourself to someone
until you feel it again.

and i know you weren't right for me.
i take the time to memorize every scar
on someone else's body.
i look to see what makes their eyes light up
and what completely drives them mad.
i had every scar on your body memorized
and you barely even glanced at me.
you had me around, but for all the wrong
reasons.
what you neglected to realize was that i was a hurricane in the midst of the sunshower that was your life.
maybe you should've payed more attention when you had the chance.

Tell me about the person who broke your heart.
Tell me about the color of their eyes.
How their hair felt in between your fingers.
Tell me about the rhythm of their heart.
Tell me about the last words they said to you and how they took every last breath out of you.
Tell me about all the places you used to go to with them, and how when you went for the first time without them all you saw was ghosts.
Tell me about the ache in your bones when you see them in your dreams and how it lasts years
months
days.

And i knew
i was completely ruined
when the sight of your
eyes started to make me
weak at the knees.
i started to memorize
each curl at the
nape of your neck.
i promised myself
i wouldn't let this happen,
but we all know i'm weak for
the things that don't need me.

All I wanted was you,
but all you wanted
was her.

Every time I drive home
late at night
my mind tells me to
drive to you,
but I haven't heard from you
in months.
I still wonder if you
ever regret kissing me
goodbye for the last time.
If you replay the moment
in your head over and over
again, wishing
you had never changed your mind.
We all know feelings and life
change like the weather
and there was nothing I could have
done to get you to stay.

The slowest
most painful
death you will ever have
is wanting someone
who doesn't want you.

I keep seeing your eyes everywhere i go.
I keep feeling your arms wrapped around me
in my dreams.
Sometimes i'll be driving through
a beautiful sunset
and your scent will come
across me.
I had every crack and callus on your
hands memorized.
And now I barely remember the sound of
your voice.
And thats life
and I am trying to be okay with that.
Okay with the fact that I might die
one day without ever seeing you again,
hearing you again.
You were my life and now
you're absolutely nothing but
a memory.
All I want to know is if you
miss me too.
This is the cold truth about life.

Let's stop writing about
waiting for the one
to come save us.
Let's stop writing about waiting
for someone to come make
us feel like home.
Let's find home in the comforts
of our skin.
Put the cape on your own back
and save yourself.
We were not built to live or hunt
for anyone else.
We were built to wipe our own tears.
We were built strong enough to be able
to pick ourselves up off the ground
and carry on.
With full hearts and kindness in our eyes.
My dear, you were not made for anyone
but yourself.

And maybe I should stop falling for
people with light eyes
who're born under October
skies.

Lately you've been haunting my dreams.
I see you again and you're as warm as you
were when I first met you.
Isn't it odd how our dreams only show us
what we want to remember about a person?
Because despite all the bruises and tears,
in my dreams you hold me so tight
just like you used to.
You wrap your hands in my hair
and you tell me to never leave you.
But you left me.
And I swear to god i can feel your heart beat
again,
just like how I used to count the beats of it
at 3 A.M. when you would keep me warm.
And in my dreams we do exactly that
and lately it's been so easy to sleep.

Lately I've been searching for a new home.
Ever since you left nothing feels right.
My childhood home is like a graveyard.
My favorite coffee shop is filled with ghosts.
The passenger side seat of my car
has your fingerprints all over it.
I've been searching for new things
to make me feel whole again,
since everything I used to love has
the remnants of you all over them.
For now I sit on a street corner,
homeless.
Holding a sign that reads,
"searching for something to ignite
the fire in my chest again after my home
with two arms, two legs, and a beating heart
got up and left."

For so long I have been so strong.
I can feel my armour starting to
deteriorate.
I miss you and yes, it does hurt.
These late nights have been getting so long.
I've waiting for the wrong people
to answer my texts
wishing it was you.
The thought of you being gone
forever has finally started setting in
and there is a fire in my lungs
because of it.
It's almost like I was sure you were
going to come back,
and you never did.

I knew I was playing with fire
so why was I so surprised when
I got burned?
He told me to make sure I don't fall
in love with him.
He told me he wasn't comfortable talking.
He told me he wanted to make me happy.
I had cigarette burns up and down my body
and I should've known it would hurt
because you had ones to match.
There's something about tracing over your own skin after someone's touched you.
Almost as if the traces will never disappear,
like the scars from cigarette burns.